 Image @ animalswaving.tumblr.com "Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with their heart and soul there is no such thing as separation." ~fb/The idealist
A friend of mine firmly believes you should never say goodbye to someone. He considers this very bad luck, instead choosing parting words such as "good day" or "have a good journey" and tells me that he frequently gets strange looks for this. While I do not share his opinion of what constitutes egging on bad luck, I respect his views about it, normally saying "see ya" when we part company. Goodbye is a strange concept to me to begin with, which is probably how the above quote got stuck in my brain today. I mean, I feel as if something ought to be said when parting from others, but what, exactly, is another thing entirely. For example, Tuesday when I went to have my surgeon look at the scars from my cancer surgery to make sure they were healing properly, there were so many things I wanted to say when he was done, but I settled for "thanks" and hugged him tight. When I walked to the Check-Out Desk for my final paperwork, I warmly told the receptionist, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but I hope I never see any of you again." She smiled and said, "Me, too". When I lost my mother in 1997, I didn't get to say anything because one minute she was alive and the next she was just gone. It took me many years, many tears, and a recent trip to San Fransisco to finally say my goodbyes to her. She still sneaks into my dreams sometimes, hopefully just to check on me and see how I'm doing, though. Honestly, with some people I have to purposely NOT think of our parting, NOT wonder if that's the last time I'll ever see their face again. I force myself not to think about all of the "what should I have saids" if there's never another opportunity. And more importantly, I think with intent and purpose of all the things I NEED to say, and say them when I get the chance. Some goodbyes are a blessing, but mostly they suck! Maybe there's something to my friend's attitude, so with that in mind, on this last day of April 2015, I will wish you all a good journey into May. Always, A.
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"A daughter may outgrow your lap but she will never outgrow your heart." ~author Unknown Today I have one daughter moving out so that tomorrow her sister can move home. Over the last several years this has been a constant occurrence...one daughter goes off to college, the other one follows the next year. One daughter moves into an apartment, the other does the same, except she does so in far away Colorado! Both move into an apartment together, and then one comes home. Talk about a revolving door! Sheesh! There are so many changes going on in my world right now (...and theirs, too) that half the time I don't know if I'm coming or going, but despite the chaos there's a smile on my face that my girls have put there just by having the pleasure of being their mom. They are worth the endless packing, unpacking, and heavy lifting involved with being a parent (...literally and metaphorically). I don't even know how to add up all the joy that these two amazing young ladies have brought to my life, but I do know that I wouldn't be who I am without them. They inspire me to be my very best, not just at parenting but at everything. They drive me to find my truth and live a life that reflects it fully, because the most important parenting tip is to be the example you wish your child to grow up and reflect (...and more)! Those girls wrap their beautiful little essence around my heart like a perpetual hug and remind me of all the miracles this world has to offer if we care to really look. I think that is one of the most magical gifts humanity can muster, that of touching, seeing, and experiencing every little detail through the eyes of a child. When it comes to raising our children, failure is not an option and raising them "right" is a pleasure as well as a privilege. To my girls...Dance, my beauties. Live your life in a way that makes your soul dance beneath your skin, always. And know that you are dearly, endlessly loved. Always, A. a.k.a. Mom  I had not seen this term until recently and I haven't read the book on how to train myself to be one, but come on, you KNOW it sounds wicked C-O-O-L! I'm pretty sure if someone approached just about any woman and said to them, "Hey, how would you like to be a Warrior Goddess?" not a single one would turn them down. Mostly, I'm a cream puff...so NOT as awesome sounding as Warrior Goddess, but there it is. I have a polite streak a mile wide, a strict code of "Do no harm", and honestly I'm pretty easy to manipulate if you have chocolate and the ability to make me giggle. For years I didn't do well at ALL with vulnerability. Somehow allowing myself to even admit to having vulnerabilities felt like being weak and it took me a long time to update my inaccurate and antiquated definition. Although it's more accurate to say that I redefined "weak" in my mind instead of vulnerable.
Weakness is...blaming others for your mistakes, taking advantage of people when they are vulnerable, treating others unkindly, making excuses for your bad behaviour, and doing what is easy instead of what is right. Weakness is tearing others down to make yourself feel better, preying on others for your own benefit, and using a mask of lies in order to get your way. Showing real emotions? That is a strength, especially because it takes a lot of courage to do! My youngest daughter, who is now about to turn twenty-two taught me this life lesson when she was four and it's one I will never forget. I'm still working out how to let all of my emotions flow naturally instead of fighting them without shattering into a million pieces, so it's a process (...at least for me). Finding my "truth" and my power were a little easier, but they came with a mighty cost. Not everyone appreciates those who are truly comfortable in their own skin. In fact, some people are downright hostile about it, as if it offends them greatly. I had to learn that was their bag to carry, not mine, and remind myself not to pick it up! I don't know that I will ever attain the status of "Warrior Goddess", but cream puff is not so bad. It doesn't sound as sexy, but it's got teeth!  ...we're going for a ride inside my head!
"You have this one life. How do you want to spend it? Apologizing? Regretting? Questioning? Hating yourself? Dieting? Running after people who don't see you? Be brave. Believe in yourself. Do what feels good. Take risks. You have this one life. Make yourself proud." ~Beardsley Jones Every day that I peruse through quotes from various places, it always happens--one will stick with me like an extra strength post-it note stuck to my shoe. I could have used some of those as I wrote the one above down, because when I went outside to write today the wind blew my little sticky-note gem to God knows where. Maybe that quote is flying on a stiff breeze to someone who needed it for inspiration as much as I did. Luckily I save EVERYTHING! As I sit here in the glorious, if a bit chilly sunshine and begin to unpack the words above bit by bit, this is what's happening inside my head: "You have this one life." (Well, I do believe strongly in reincarnation, so you probably have as many lives as you wish, but THIS is the life you're living right now, so stay focused lady.) "How do you want to spend it?" (In Scotland...on a mountaintop, surrounded by people I love being around, making memories by doing all the stuff I haven't gotten to do yet but really, really want to, etc.) "Apologizing?" (Only when it's called for, and let's be honest...we know when it's called for. Period.) "Regretting?" (Only with my last breath, and if I do this life right, not even then...does anyone get to the end with zero regrets?) "Questioning?" (But, but, but...I can't help it! It is in my nature to question every damn thing. How do you stop something that's as natural to you as having blue eyes????) "Hating yourself?" (Not today, and not in a very long time, thankfully.) "Dieting?" (*snorts*) "Running after people who don't see you?" (...or want you, or make time for you, blah, blah, blah....got that T-shirt already, thanks. No more of that crap.You want to be in my life? Be there. You don't want to be in my life? I wish you well on your own journey.) "Be brave." (Okay. I don't always know what that means but I'm willing to give it a shot.) "Believe in yourself." (Mostly, I think I do. Yes, I do. Check.) "Do what feels good." (...but not at anyone else's expense.) "Take risks." (This one makes me smile because I can totally get on board with it as long as they are calculated risks. I am SO not the type to just "throw caution to the wind" and "damn the consequences. When it's time I pay the Piper, and we all MUST do that, I want to make absolutely sure I can afford the payment. The Piper doesn't take bad checks.) "You have this one life." (...or two, or five, or 337...whatever. And what about the possibility of alternate realities???? Okay, FOCUS Amy.) "Make yourself proud." (I'm getting there.) And that, my friends, is exactly what it's like being inside my head. Scary, isn't it?!  Image@pinterest "Beautiful young people are accidents of nature. Beautiful old people are works of art." ~Eleanor Roosevelt
I was out recently and ran into a woman I've known a long time. She asked me about my cancer surgery and I lifted my hair, showing her the wicked looking scar on my neck. She flinched and commented, "You should see a plastic surgeon about that. They can probably cover it up completely." I laughed, replying, "It doesn't bother me. Battle wounds of life. Besides, it looks like somebody slashed my neck. That is the makings for a damn fine story." She smiled but I'm pretty sure she disagreed. It's okay. My skin is not flawless and as Time marches on, I'm sure it will be happy to further add to my imperfections. I don't mind. My body isn't cover model perfect (...and with technology being what it is, I'm pretty sure those on covers aren't either), but I'm not completely unfortunate looking naked and that's good enough for me. There is a peace in accepting who I am inside and out. It's not an easy state of mind to get to, especially with all of the pressures we are bombarded with on a daily basis to look this way or that. I don't like being told how to look (i.e. "Oh, you should colour your hair. Your grey is showing."...yes someone did, in fact, say that to me not long ago). My body, like my heart and soul, has seen "Life" and carries the aftermath of living it around with me, inside and out. Lines at the corners of my eyes? Remind me that I do know how to smile and actually do it on occasion. Grey hairs? Remind me that I was a military wife for twenty-four years (a tough job) and a mother twenty-two years and counting (even tougher). My hope is that everyone will learn to love and embrace the "skin you're in" because being who you are, proudly and unapologetically, is very beautiful. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, and true beauty can't be seen with your eyes. It does, however, glow, shining light all around. It knows no age restrictions, rules, nor does it fit into any box constructed by "society's views of what constitutes beauty". All of that is ugly, manipulative hogwash. Be your own kind of beauty. The people who matter will see it and be dazzled!  "Perspective...what you see depends not only on what you look at, but also on where you look from." ~James Deacon
I spent the first half of my day reading a National Geographic Atlas of the U.S. with a group of third graders. Don't tell Central Office, but we had so much fun I'd have done today's work for free! The kids and I played games with the maps, racing each other to locate resources on California, North Carolina, Texas, Hawaii, and other states they'd chosen to read about. I have to say, the morning flew by in happy conversation (and they learned stuff, too!). One thing I love about being in the classroom and maybe appreciate now more than ever is that children have so many wonderful things to teach us. They love without condition, laugh a lot, and see the whole world through eyes that are not yet jaded or clouded with harsh pain. God, it's refreshing! While we read about the history of various states, I could feel dark thoughts trying to take over of not so pretty parts of our past....war and bloodshed, slavery and near genocide of our Native American people, but the children quickly yanked me back from the brink of that unhappy space. They reminded me that as an adult I may be aware of the "rest of the story", the ugly parts with less than "happily ever after" endings, but I get to choose what I will focus on. I choose to focus on the wonder and magic seen through youthful, wise eyes. I choose to focus not on what has been, or worries about how it will all turn out...I'd rather have faith that the outcome will be amazing! With those precious eyes looking up at me, no other option made a lick of sense.  Stocks? Bonds? Preparing for your financial future is never a bad thing (...unless you only have hours to live because that giant asteroid will be hitting a neighborhood near you any day now), but today my mind has been rotating through a different kind of investment---people. And actually, it's been an on-going mental dialogue I've been having with myself for awhile now. Who do I invest my time an energy with? Do those people return my efforts in kind? Aunt Mattie would say that we give for the sake of giving and should expect nothing in return, but seriously, who does that? Nothing in return? And where does it stop? Like, do you just keep giving until there's nothing left of you and then call it? (...Been there, done that, got the t-shirt! It sucks royally!) Having Aunt Mattie as my directional North is sometimes a wicked battle between her true goodness and my own very flawed nature. We are, she and I, often at war, although I am learning how to concede to the fact that I am not her, will never be her, and that doesn't make me a bad person...just different.
Over the course of my life I have made more than a few bad investments in people that ended up causing me great pain. Really though, most of the time my pain was self-induced, based on the unrealistic expectations of the people I was investing in, i.e. a mother who was not what my mind said mothers were supposed to be, or the young bride expecting her equally young husband to be her knight in shining armor when he didn't even know what kind of man he was going to grow up to be, himself! Talk about pressure! I remember telling my father not long ago, "It wasn't easy to learn that you aren't really the superhero of my childhood mind, just the flawed, normal man trying to do the best he can. It hurt." He laughed and replied, "Sorry about that!" It's taken me a long time to understand that some investments are worth making regardless of the return, while others are just a painful waste of time and misplaced energy. Lack of, or withdrawal from those investments doesn't have to be bitter or unkind, but we should never forget the most important investment of all...the one we devote to ourselves. I used to think that meant being "selfish". Now I know it's not the same thing at all! Expectations still get me in trouble, whether they are of myself or projected onto someone else, but I'm getting better at shutting down that projector and accepting what I find when I truly see others for who they are rather than who I think they should be. Taking off that lens of expectation makes the entire exchange, no matter how brief, much more accurate and honest. There is a beauty in that, even when it hurts. And while I will never be a woman as selfless as Mattie was, she would have loved me anyway, flaws and all. ...but not just any words, not random words, nor lying words...they must have meaning, resonate deep inside my bones. Those of you who know me already are aware of the fact that I am addicted to quotes. I am an unashamed quote junkie! One of the reasons I started writing these blog articles was because the "right words" offered to me at the "right time" have gotten me through some pretty dark, rough days. These precious gems I tuck away have come from a myriad of sources, sometimes from unexpected people, and occasionally in ways I'd have never have imagined. They are the thread I've used to help sew together my lifeline. They are the means by which I unravel the clutter in my head and they can even come with musical accompaniment, which is always powerful and spectacular!
Sharing my laughter, pain, insecurities, goofiness, bad behaviour and joy is not an easy thing to do in front of the whole world. When I force myself to dig deep for certain articles, I don't always like what I find there. Putting that up for censure takes a level of bravery I didn't even know I was capable of until I did it, but it gets easier (...at least it has for me) and it's worth it because I've never been more myself than I am right now. I was pretty surprised to find that it doesn't suck to be me. My blog articles are created with two very distinct purposes in mind and one hard and fast rule. Purposes: 1.) To live my life as my most authentic self, unafraid; and 2.) With the hope something I share may give courage to, help, or inspiration to another. And for the rule: I never allow myself to tear down someone else with my truth. Today I am more myself than I ever dreamed possible and I've learned that I'm messy, raw, vulnerable, strong, and real. Not everyone likes me, and that's okay. Not everyone understands this path I have chosen, or approves of it, and that's okay too. I hope that whomever you are, wherever you are, you find something that inspires you today, whether it's something from my page or anywhere else. May the Universe conspire to make that happen. Always, A. "Be bold enough to use your voice, brave enough to listen to your heart, and strong enough to live the life you've always wanted." ~Honey Child on Facebook "Dear Monday, I want to break up. I'm seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, It's Not Me, It's You" ~author Unknown
I woke up this morning unprepared to face Monday. I don't know why this surprises me, as I'm never really ready for the weekend to be done. Why does it seem like it goes by in a flash? Anyway, I had a horrible time falling asleep last night, kept waking up, and by the time I finally got into "good sleep mode" my stupid alarm went off! I wanted to scream, "WAIT, wait! I need a do-over, please" but the music kept playing and time just ticked on. The bastard! With my butt dragging, I got out of bed and attempted to inject some enthusiasm into my sleep-deprived brain. I dug through my closet for a pretty dress and by the time I came down for breakfast, I was actually in a better mood than I thought myself capable of. I ate a couple of homemade blueberry muffins (one of my favorite breakfasts) and curled up on the sofa for a few minutes, psyching myself up to face my day. Here's the thing...I love my job as a reading teacher and writer. The minute I hit the classroom, those sweet little third grade faces happy to see me made me smile. When I come into their class, most of the time they greet me with, "Oh yay! Mrs. Schaefer's here," and I gotta tell you their enthusiasm is contagious! I might not be a Monday girl, but I am learning how to be a HAPPY girl no matter what day of the week it is. It is a bonus that I get by with a little help from my family & friends! "Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you? There's an APP for that...it's called RESPECT." ~author Unknown
Our pregnant daughter sat happily devouring the pizza she'd ordered after work. Cheese on one side, sausage on the other, extra sauce. She said, "I like my pizza swimming." I crinkled my nose in disgust. "You are NOT my child," I told her. She just laughed. She said she'd been craving pizza all day and it was clear that she was thoroughly enjoying the opportunity to feed said craving. "That smells really good," her father said, eying her as if she might share (...later I caught him cutting off a small slice before bed). He turned to me, "I wish we'd had pizza now." "Me, too," I agreed. "But not that mess she's eating." The next day he texted me asking if I'd like to pick a pizza place for a date night dinner. Worked for me! No cooking. No dishes. And I'd secretly been craving pizza all week, so it seemed like the perfect win-win. I texted back, "Sure." He replied, "Choose any place you'd like." "So, where are we going?" my husband asked when he walked in from work that evening. I'd decided to check out the pizza in one of the oldest Italian restaurants in town. It was relatively close and I'd never had their pizza before, so I figured it would be somewhat of a "new" experience. Vincenzo's is a family owned place that has been around our hometown for many years, opening its doors in 1964. In fact, it used to be the only Italian restaurant to speak of. The current owner attended school with me when we were growing up. The atmosphere is quiet and elegant, a perfect place for a birthday celebration (...as was the case at the long table next to ours), a family gathering, and of course date night dining. Or wait staff was wonderful, and the owner came by near the end of our meal to ask how everything was, making the experience all the more warm and hospitable. The pizza? Out of this world! The toppings were very fresh, the crust light and airy. It was a polished setting for good food, conversation, and friendly, efficient service. On the way out, we passed a booth of six...every single person engaged in something on their cell phones! I shook my head, disgusted, thinking, "What a missed opportunity!" Whatever your weekend has in store, I hope you will all take time to really connect to the people in your lives. In my opinion, that is one of the most important things we can do with one another. We are constantly bombarded with text messages, Facebook games, ipads, notebooks, etc. and completely lose track of the world around us, trading in our humanity by 1's and 0's. I don't know what my weekend plans are yet, but they will NOT include anything technology related. One of my main goals is to have a weekend completely unplugged! |
About The Author
I grew up in rural North Carolina. When I was only nineteen, I moved away and became a military wife. My only aspiration at that tender time in my life was to create an adult life that "fixed" all of the "injustices" of my childhood. Secretly, however, I wanted to reach for the sky! I wanted to be a writer and find ways to "save the world" (my mother used to say, "You have Save the World Syndrome".). Mostly, I wanted to matter. Archives
August 2021
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