 I think we struggle all the days of our lives with defining who we are...good, bad, kind, compassionate, bitter, angry, etc. Have we made the "right" decisions? Are we living a life true to our spirit? And what do any of those things even mean? Society has its own laundry list of what it considers to be "living a proper life". Organized religion weighs in on this as well, defining for us whom to love, how to love, giving us a list of "right" behaviours and warning of the potential dire consequences if we do not conform. What neither of those entities do is factor in our sheer humanness. There's no getting around the fact that we are messy creatures, mostly just doing the best we can in a world full of chaos, hate, bigotry, injustice, mixed messages, bad information, and expectations that none of us could possibly completely live up to. I have spent most of my life trying to "do right" in this mad, mad world and discovered with complete certainty that no matter how "good" I am, someone (...often more than one someone) is going to judge me and find me lacking in some way. I have frequently given in to those judgements, sacrificing bits and pieces of who I am in the spirit of conformity to someone else's mold. As I write this today, I can clearly see the warm, loving face of Mama Schaefer looking over my shoulder. She's been gone almost a year, but I still feel her presence with me strong and sure, hear her words whispered to me in the quiet spaces of my day. She tells me, "...in life the only thing you really have to lose is yourself when you neglect to truly LIVE, which is not the same as merely existing." She reminds me that as long as I'm alive, it's not too late to do anything! And I swear, when my time on Earth is done, I will NOT be on my deathbed with a head full of "shoulda, coulda, woulda" wishes. I will be eagerly awaiting what comes next, while being grateful for every precious moment I got to have in this life. And you can bet the final words to pass my lips will be, "Man, WHAT a ride!" 
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 "The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." ~Ayn Rand Today I took another "baby step" (...although it feels gargantuan) towards living a life that follows my dreams. I enrolled at South University with a plan to complete their Bachelor's of Science in Nursing as a step towards the Physicians Assistant program they also offer. I can't wait to see the turn my writing will take by stepping foot on a path that is complete uncharted territory for me, even though I did teach four years of science (...got this mental image of myself in jungle garb with a big ol' knife in my hand, chopping down stuff that is in my way). The heroine's sister in my first novel, Desperate Measures, is a nurse (...if you're reading my Abby series, you'll be meeting Andrea real soon), so this will be right on par with my writing of book #2, A Fragile Balance. The wonderful Admissions Assistant Director sat across from me and we talked like old friends about my future. She is one of those rare souls who slipped seamlessly into my life as if I was just waiting for our paths to cross, which was extremely helpful in assuaging the little bursts of nerves that threatened to make me panic and run. When she asked me about my reason for choosing this particular program, I told her that growing up, nobody ever said to me, "You can do anything you put your mind to." Mostly those around me were just waiting for me to fail. So, when becoming a doctor crossed my mind for career options in my teens, I quickly discarded it as an unattainable dream. By the time I graduated college with honors in 2001 and became a teacher, I knew the notion of an unattainable dream was a complete lie. I spent the whole of my teaching career happily encouraging 947 students, plus my own daughters to follow whatever dream they could imagine. Some dreams seem so full of hurdles that are impossibly high it's easy to just give them up as too difficult, but if you're driven enough, determined enough, and don't let fear of climbing the big stuff stop you, no obstacle is too high. At any time in your life it is completely possible to do a course correction and point your own compass a different way. My time to do this is RIGHT NOW! Direction of my dreams....that way! Images from: gograph.com (climbers) & republicmagazine.com (pointing finger).   I am prone to slipping into my comfort zone and making myself at home there. This is NOT a good thing even though it's easy to do, makes me feel safe, and in control. Early in my life, to get me out of it would have been a major fight. I'd have dug my heels in and stubbornly refused to move. It wasn't until somewhere in my mid thirties I began to see the beauty of discovery, growth from new adventures, and the excitement high to be had by escaping the confines of comfortable. Those boundaries can become a prison if you stay in them too long.
Flash forward to forty-five year old me and you'll find a woman who still enjoys safe harbour in her comfort zone, needs it in fact and yet thirsts for the thrills to be had away from it. OH how those places make me feel alive! Today I'm happy to my core that I have not allowed myself to remain a captive in my comfort zone. Even though I visit on occasion, I always leave the door unlocked that leads to all points beyond. It is my fervent hope that if you are stuck in the confines of your own comfy prison, you'll give yourself permission to pick the lock and escape. Once you're out, meet me in the sky!  Ever found yourself smack dab in the middle of a life course correction (...I know many of you have based on comments you've made to me privately)? Well, that's where I am right now. My writing career is well under way, which delights me to NO end. Being a writer has been my one of my lifelong dreams and the opportunities in front of me with this career are so exciting they make my heart pound. The problem...new writers rarely make enough money to pay the bills. This is a serious conundrum because unfortunately those bills are not going to pay themselves. Annoying how that works! That puts me, however, in another exciting spot...choosing a new career path! It is not without frustrations, though, which can be a giant hurdle in the ability to keep moving forward. I have been doggedly researching career possibilities which interest me, and am pleased that they are plentiful i.e. there are a lot of things out there I'd really enjoy. Of course, that leaves me with the daunting task of picking one. Not as easy as it might sound (you know...all of you who are students know all about trying to map out your whole life based on a head full of unknown variables). Sometimes I think this would be easier if I just wrote all the things I like down on bits of paper, stick them to our dartboard in the Man Cave, and toss a dart to choose my "future". Random. Non-scientific. Maybe even madness. But there is a certain beauty in the."You landed on ________ (insert option here)? Okay, let's see where it leads" mentality! At my age, the happy part is in knowing I've already accomplished many things I never dreamed I could do. That translates into confidence of being assured whatever I choose, I CAN attain it! I'm also happy I don't have to just settle for the first job I can find, a luxury I do not take for granted. Time for me to make some decisions, make a plan, follow the advice below (patience is the one that will give me the most fits) and launch myself down new, uncharted paths. It's scary, exciting, filling my tummy full of butterflies but I can't WAIT to see what happens next!   Photo taken by Michael E. Boyd "Some moments are so utterly perfect, you want to beg the Universe to freeze time until you're ready for the clock to start moving again." ~Amy Marie Schaefer Thursday 22 January 2015 we were preparing to head out in search of dinner after our explorations at Ocean Beach in San Fransisco. We stopped to take a quick bathroom break and when we came out, the sun was so close to setting, I couldn't tear myself away. I HAD to watch. "Can we stay a little longer?" I asked. "Of course," Michael replied. So, we sat on the wall in that wildly beautiful place as the light from the Earth's star burst into vibrant colors that shot across the sky and trickled down in sparkling reflections to kiss the chilly sea. My mother's memory was stark and clear, so strong I could practically smell her...see her in the mists from the waves crashing against the rocks...feel her breath in the sinking sun, who was whispering promises to the sea that the moon and stars were not far behind. As day slipped into night, I knew all of the answers to every question, whether spoken or unspoken were there in that space, in that moment. I left there drunk on the powerful elixir of the experience and sprinkled pieces of my heart and soul on every flower, rock, and grain of sand I touched. I have found many happy things to be grateful for during the course of this series "100 Days of Happy". My time in California, however, reminded me of what happy down to your bones feels like and has made me truly ravenous for more experiences just like that. I mean isn't that what we're here for in the first place? If not, then it should be. We all should actively seek out ways that make us want to absolutely devour every delicious bite of life, otherwise the purpose of our existence is meaningless.  Photo taken by Michael E. Boyd  "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, but love leaves a memory that no one can steal." ~author Unknown
The day my mother found out she was being transferred from the North Carolina division of R.J. Reynolds to the one in San Fransisco to work with Del Monte, she came to me and said she wanted me to move with her. I was ten and California seemed as far away as the moon. I adamantly refused to go, telling her I'd run away if she tried to make me. The memories of the horrifying year I lived with her in Texas were still a fresh wound and I was terrified that no one would be close enough to save me if Mama dropped the proverbial parenting ball...and I knew that she would. Taking care of herself was difficult enough. Taking care of a child was a task that was nearly impossible for her. Looking back, I know now that she was trying to do right by me. She was just too broken, herself, to manage it. When she got on that plane to leave, I swear I thought I'd never see her again, so it was wonderful to visit her that next summer and see that she was happy and thriving. She'd been there a year and the "City by the Bay" had warmly embraced the pretty North Carolina girl who charmed almost everyone she met and drew them in with her soulful, damaged grace. Man, that lady had a gypsy soul, never really settling in one place but leaving glowing little pieces of herself everywhere she went. She'd fuss at me if she saw all the "touristy" places I've written in my little travel book to visit. Those are the places, however, I remember her taking me when I was there so many years ago. Those are the places where I'll collect up the light she left behind and take it into my own soul for safe-keeping. The club where she used to sing isn't there anymore (I looked for it), otherwise it would certainly be on my list. It's okay, though, because her song is still in my heart and I have no doubt I'll hear it strong and clear when I step foot on California soul.  "If you can't fly, then run. If you can't run, then walk. If you can't walk, then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward." ~Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
The final days of Shirley Dona Schaefer's life were full of quiet reflection. I watched her comfort her sons, grandchildren, friends, offering them bits of wisdom to hold onto once she was gone and pouring her light and love over all of us. Not once did she mention a workplace, a grudge held, things in her life that had gone wrong, nor the pain she was in as she slipped away bit by bit. Instead, she focused on love, the future, and the things she thought had true value. One thing she said to me will stick with me the rest of my days..."Don't wait, sweetheart." So simple and yet utterly profound when applied to, well, just about everything! Don't wait:
How much of our lives are spent hesitating, putting off, settling, or simply existing? When I look back over the forty-five years of my own life, it annoys me to see just how much time I have wasted...mostly on people, places and things that don't matter AT ALL! It helps to know I'm not alone, but it helps even more to be aware and in control of whether or not I allow said waste to ever happen again. Today I am happy for inspiring words from a mother who took me in as her own, and for all of the opportunities she has given me, inspired in me, and encouraged me to pursue! Viva la Vida (Latin: long live life; the life lives)!  Carol Burnett by John Rios "The dust bunnies killed my cleaning fairy." ~www.EcoNutsSoap.com I know y'all are going to think I'm completely bonkers when I confess one of my dirty little secrets...I really do love cleaning (most of the time). I turn the music up loud, dance with the vacuum cleaner, and scrub stuff to the beat of whatever tune is playing. Sometimes I'm a rock n' roll cleaner, but my main cleaning playlist involves fun, often raunchy dance tunes. When I'm done the house looks and smells lovely, I got a workout AND actually had fun doing something most consider drudgery. I am 2/3 of the way through my series "100 Days of Happy" and I've gotta say, it really has created this profound shift in my mentality. Like my attitude towards cleaning, I find myself overlaying that same approach to many other things, either by finding the positives in situations or events where they are scarce, or MAKING positives out of difficult situations. Whatever the circumstances, I keep my "eyes" on the happy, joyful bits, which in turn makes the scary, challenging, or difficult things become mere white noise in the background of my life. Do intense situations still threaten to overwhelm me? Absolutely. I do not, however, allow them the power to crush me with stress and worry. When I feel like the "freak out" is going to win by making me spew forth negative energy and/or emotions, I find a way to temper it to a more manageable chunk with things like cranking my ipod and cleaning something! Wanna know what I'll be vacuuming to today? Crank the video below and watch these older people get their boogie on with me! Have a safe and "dancy" kinda weekend!  "Being brave means to know something is scary, difficult, and dangerous, and doing it anyway, because the possibility of winning the fight is worth the chance of losing it." ~Emilie Autumn
Hearing terms such as biopsy and cancer are a sobering, fearful reminder that life is such a fragile thing and can change on a dime. As I sat on the exam table this morning, the shock of those words held me in place while the doctor stuck a fine needle into each spot on my body that gave her cause for concern. She then took skin samples, all the while speaking to me in calm, reassuring tones. Her gentle nature was probably the mitigating factor in me not completely freaking out. Once she was done, I thanked her for having such a tender touch. She smiled and said, "Thank you for being so brave." I don't know that I'm brave at all. My hands trembled as I got dressed in the exam room, but her saying so does give me enough courage to set aside all of the terrifying thoughts about what "could" go wrong and just stay in the "right NOW". Before I left, she wanted to know if I had any questions. I peppered her with a dozen "what ifs", which she calmly answered, giving me the sense that even if the worst case scenario happened, we'd face it and everything would be O.K. Right now I'm alive and all is well (...mostly, which is good enough for me). Right now I am surrounded by people who love and cherish me (...okay, not literally because that would be awkward, but you know what I mean). Right now I am happy for good medical insurance, family who taught me to be proactive about my health, and healthcare staff who really do treat their patients with great care. Whatever lies ahead in my test results (or any other facet of my life), I will face it as bravely as possible, even if on the inside I am trembling with fear. "When fear comes knocking at your door, send faith to answer it." ~Joyce Meyer....sounds like a good plan to me. *Image from netiv.net |
About The Author
I grew up in rural North Carolina. When I was only nineteen, I moved away and became a military wife. My only aspiration at that tender time in my life was to create an adult life that "fixed" all of the "injustices" of my childhood. Secretly, however, I wanted to reach for the sky! I wanted to be a writer and find ways to "save the world" (my mother used to say, "You have Save the World Syndrome".). Mostly, I wanted to matter. Archives
August 2021
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