I know, I know. It's cheesy! And honestly, most people don't make such a big deal about their own birthday. In fact, before I hit my 40's, I usually treated my birthday much the same as any other day of the year. My forties changed that forever.

Those of you who know me know that my mother died young...a couple of months before  her forty-seventh birthday, in fact. And in those  years since her death, it has stayed in the back of my mind, that lingering dark thought of, "What if I die young like my mom? What if I, too, don't live to see my forty-seventh birthday?" As the end of my forty-sixth year played out, the little dark thought became this tight knot in the pit of my stomach. My mind was a scrambled mess of even darker thoughts and questions galore. What had I been doing with my life? What had I become? If she was looking down on me, would she be proud of the choices I'd been making, or disgusted that I didn't do whatever it was she thought I ought to be doing? In fact, those doubts and fears started creeping in well before, as my girls graduated high school and moved on to begin their big girl lives. I questioned if I was now "done" with my purpose, having gotten them safely to a place where they could take over and care for themselves. It occurred to me that perhaps that was the main task I had been born for. Many call this time of questioning a "mid-life crisis" and truthfully, though that sounds as cheesy as this blog title, it's as good an explanation as any for my mind to explode with thoughts of self-doubt.

So, now here we are, me on the other side of my mother's fateful and untimely end, my life still ticking along ever forward. I am finally finding my footing, after leaving military life (which was all I'd known for my entire adult life). I'm finally growing more comfortable than ever in my own skin, knowing who I am, what I want, and where I'm going...okay, sort of on that last one. Admittedly, I am no longer allowing others' expectations of what I should be doing to drag me along this life haphazardly. I am also no longer standing in a tornado of fear and self doubt. I'm not sure where I'm going at least half the time, but it's finally not terrifying to say that. I have a general direction I've pointed my little compass towards and that's good enough for me.

And tomorrow, when I am in the first hours of forty-eight, I'll be on horseback, riding mountain trails (one of my happiest places to be) with a view that takes my breath away, then later sitting in a lawn chair under a sea of stars watching a movie (okay, mostly I'll be staring at those stars, but there will be a movie in the background of my celestial gazing). In the coming days I'll try new things (whitewater rafting, God help me & cave exploration,  no bats please, even though I think they're pretty darn cute) and indulge in things I already love (three new books just waiting for my attention, as well as spending time with my not-so-tiny human, whose company is a constant adventure)! As for the rest of my day, I think I'll make my own birthday cake (a fact that has my husband extremely grumpy).

I'm alive and well, surrounded by a Tribe who loves me that I completely adore. I work two jobs that make me happy down to my bones (writer & teacher). One pays the bills and gives me purpose, while the other feeds my soul and nourishes parts of me that I'm just now getting to know. The road I'm on is still pretty damn bumpy (with the loss of my father and the nightmare of untangling his estate), but that's life...right? I'm making it, getting there (wherever "there" may be). And Mama, if you're listening, I promise not to waste a second...for both of us. I've got ya, right here in my heart.

Always,
A.

"Do not worry about the past or the future. This moment needs your attention, for this is where your life exists." --from www.iampoopsie.com

Being a worrier is a curse. My mind frequently hops around topics, situations, etc. that I have zero control over (...like our circus clown of a President and the potential damage he has the power to inflict or starving children around the world who die every single day from unbelievable poverty), as I worry about the outcome, the ramifications, and ponder what I can do to help or create something more positive in regards to those situations. I've always been of a mind that if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem (whatever that problem may be), so to see things that seem wrong to me (out "there" and inside myself) and not have the urge to do something about them goes completely against my nature. What I don't understand is when I got it in my head that my problems and ALL the problems are one in the same! Sane me knows that notion is ridiculous, and yet...my baby girl has hooked me on watching these DC Comics shows (i.e. The Flash, Arrow, DC's Legends of Tomorrow, and Supergirl) and I often find I can relate to the "heroes" who are troubled, tortured even, when they can't or don't fix everything. I mean, let's face it...at no time in my life have I been bitten by a radioactive spider and I certainly don't have the body or workout abilities as, say, Oliver Queen (a.k.a. the Arrow). I'm pretty sure that if I even attempted to do a halfass superhero workout, I'd literally collapse and DIE! But my Netflix superhero addiction not withstanding, I do understand the writer's version of those character dilemmas on a visceral level. *sigh*

With my forty-eighth birthday fast approaching, I've been thinking about something Astronaut Scott Kelly said. When I went to see him and his brother Mark at the Greensboro Coliseum (an absolutely amazing experience), he said that going into space was dangerous, being a Navy pilot was equally dangerous, but he couldn't worry about the parts of those endeavors that he personally could not control. He said about one of his shuttle missions, "I knew the role I had to play, the job I had to do and I could do my part, that part, to the very best of my ability and hope that all the others involved who were ultimately responsible for all of our lives also did their part just as diligently." That is one giant leap of Faith when the cost of being wrong is his life and the lives of others. I admire that resolve greatly! It inspires me.

I'm not a superhero (duh, shocker, right?!). I am not an astronaut. I have this one little life, this one little role to play in a great big world and an even more vast Universe and the thing is, I don't want to waste even a single drop. I want to wake up every morning that I'm allowed to do so, and use the 24 hours I'm given in that day to their fullest potential. Being grateful for being alive (which I absolutely am) is not the same as being significant to the world around me. That being said, my birthday wish is to find a more appropriate balance for my life-goals and stop worrying about all of the things that aren't in my power to "fix". As for the rest, the things beyond my simple human abilities, I have to have Faith that the other humans who occupy our Earth will do their own part towards making a better world. Some days that notion seems as fantastical as me suddenly wearing a cape, having superhuman strength, and flying around the globe righting wrongs all around me. Other days, when I come across a story of someone doing something fabulous, it doesn't feel like such a stretch (*see the story below for the ultimate in "fabulous" and inspiring)!