Amy M. Schaefer
  • Amy M. Schaefer, Writer
  • Blog: From the Front Porch
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From the Front Porch

I am an "accidental blogger". When I launched my writing career in March of 2014, one of the things that I decided to include was my journaling, which I have always found to be a comforting and therapeutic endeavor.  It was a big risk to open myself up in such a public forum, but it has taught me that, for the most part, we share far more experiences than we think. It's comforting to know I'm not alone!  (*the "Button Text" is the link to my first novel)
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Two, Four, Six, Eight, Who is Turning 48? Me!

8/3/2017

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I know, I know. It's cheesy! And honestly, most people don't make such a big deal about their own birthday. In fact, before I hit my 40's, I usually treated my birthday much the same as any other day of the year. My forties changed that forever.

Those of you who know me know that my mother died young...a couple of months before  her forty-seventh birthday, in fact. And in those  years since her death, it has stayed in the back of my mind, that lingering dark thought of, "What if I die young like my mom? What if I, too, don't live to see my forty-seventh birthday?" As the end of my forty-sixth year played out, the little dark thought became this tight knot in the pit of my stomach. My mind was a scrambled mess of even darker thoughts and questions galore. What had I been doing with my life? What had I become? If she was looking down on me, would she be proud of the choices I'd been making, or disgusted that I didn't do whatever it was she thought I ought to be doing? In fact, those doubts and fears started creeping in well before, as my girls graduated high school and moved on to begin their big girl lives. I questioned if I was now "done" with my purpose, having gotten them safely to a place where they could take over and care for themselves. It occurred to me that perhaps that was the main task I had been born for. Many call this time of questioning a "mid-life crisis" and truthfully, though that sounds as cheesy as this blog title, it's as good an explanation as any for my mind to explode with thoughts of self-doubt.

So, now here we are, me on the other side of my mother's fateful and untimely end, my life still ticking along ever forward. I am finally finding my footing, after leaving military life (which was all I'd known for my entire adult life). I'm finally growing more comfortable than ever in my own skin, knowing who I am, what I want, and where I'm going...okay, sort of on that last one. Admittedly, I am no longer allowing others' expectations of what I should be doing to drag me along this life haphazardly. I am also no longer standing in a tornado of fear and self doubt. I'm not sure where I'm going at least half the time, but it's finally not terrifying to say that. I have a general direction I've pointed my little compass towards and that's good enough for me.

And tomorrow, when I am in the first hours of forty-eight, I'll be on horseback, riding mountain trails (one of my happiest places to be) with a view that takes my breath away, then later sitting in a lawn chair under a sea of stars watching a movie (okay, mostly I'll be staring at those stars, but there will be a movie in the background of my celestial gazing). In the coming days I'll try new things (whitewater rafting, God help me & cave exploration,  no bats please, even though I think they're pretty darn cute) and indulge in things I already love (three new books just waiting for my attention, as well as spending time with my not-so-tiny human, whose company is a constant adventure)! As for the rest of my day, I think I'll make my own birthday cake (a fact that has my husband extremely grumpy).

I'm alive and well, surrounded by a Tribe who loves me that I completely adore. I work two jobs that make me happy down to my bones (writer & teacher). One pays the bills and gives me purpose, while the other feeds my soul and nourishes parts of me that I'm just now getting to know. The road I'm on is still pretty damn bumpy (with the loss of my father and the nightmare of untangling his estate), but that's life...right? I'm making it, getting there (wherever "there" may be). And Mama, if you're listening, I promise not to waste a second...for both of us. I've got ya, right here in my heart.

Always,
A.
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A Different Kind of Love Story

8/2/2017

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A Letter to My Grandson:

Dear Precious Boy,


This Friday, your Nana will turn 48 and in a couple of weeks following my birthday you will be 2. That means that by the time you are the age I am now, I'll be an old woman (if the odds are in my favor). I have thought a lot since the anticipation of your arrival about the lack of strongly bonded relationships in this day and time between a child your age and his or her grandparents. There was a time in our society when the wisdom and value of the "old" was considered a sacred blessing, but sadly that respect and love is almost obsolete (at least here in our country). What makes this fact especially difficult for me is that you, my beautiful tiny human, are an epic love story in my life and no matter how many ways I show or tell you, the powerful impact you have on me will remain a mystery to you...at least until the day comes that you hold your own grandchild in your strong arms and see a future you helped create staring back at you with trusting eyes. By then, I'll just be a distant memory, an angel watching over you and yours.

As I file through my mind at all of the things I might want to tell you, it occurs to me just how many of them you will learn on your own. This is how it should be, but that doesn't make some of those lessons any easier to swallow. By the time you reach Kindergarten, you'll already know that life can be really HaRD and sometimes scary. You will also know that you can get through those things, even if occasionally you need help from those who love you. By the time you hit the crazy teen years, you'll be well aware of the sting heartbreak can deliver (as well as the reason I've referred to them as "crazy"). And when you get to that glorious time you've been dying to attain since you were old enough to think about it, i.e. adulthood, it won't take long to realize that parts of it are just flat out UNFUN! It's a brutal lesson, my boy, but we all must learn it. Adulting sucks (about half the time, anyway, although that whole "eat cake for breakfast if you want" can be quite fulfilling...literally and metaphorically).

Here are some things I do want you to know. First, don't ever be afraid to ask for that help. It won't make you any less of a man. Second, never outgrow the desire to offer up affection for those whom you care about. Third, there's a difference between being honest and being cruel. The truth is important and raw truth can be painful, but the telling of it, the realization of it doesn't have to break you (or anyone else) down. Use your words with kindness as your guide. It won't ever water down the truth of them. Finally, know that from the moment you were born, you were destined for great things and championed to accomplish them with the love of your ancestors, a group of which I am honored to be included.

I don't know all of the places your journey will lead to, but I do know this...wherever you go, love will follow your path, guide your steps. Take with you kindness and compassion for others, dogged determination, an imagination that is endless, and a heart that refuses to stop loving, even when it's painful to do so. Also remember that one of the most important reasons you are here, all of us are here, is to make the world a better place than it was when you "found" it. Do that with reckless abandon and with my blessing, not that you'll need it.

Always & Forever,
Your Nana (who adores you)



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My Birthday Wish

8/1/2017

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"Do not worry about the past or the future. This moment needs your attention, for this is where your life exists." --from www.iampoopsie.com

Being a worrier is a curse. My mind frequently hops around topics, situations, etc. that I have zero control over (...like our circus clown of a President and the potential damage he has the power to inflict or starving children around the world who die every single day from unbelievable poverty), as I worry about the outcome, the ramifications, and ponder what I can do to help or create something more positive in regards to those situations. I've always been of a mind that if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem (whatever that problem may be), so to see things that seem wrong to me (out "there" and inside myself) and not have the urge to do something about them goes completely against my nature. What I don't understand is when I got it in my head that my problems and ALL the problems are one in the same! Sane me knows that notion is ridiculous, and yet...my baby girl has hooked me on watching these DC Comics shows (i.e. The Flash, Arrow, DC's Legends of Tomorrow, and Supergirl) and I often find I can relate to the "heroes" who are troubled, tortured even, when they can't or don't fix everything. I mean, let's face it...at no time in my life have I been bitten by a radioactive spider and I certainly don't have the body or workout abilities as, say, Oliver Queen (a.k.a. the Arrow). I'm pretty sure that if I even attempted to do a halfass superhero workout, I'd literally collapse and DIE! But my Netflix superhero addiction not withstanding, I do understand the writer's version of those character dilemmas on a visceral level. *sigh*

With my forty-eighth birthday fast approaching, I've been thinking about something Astronaut Scott Kelly said. When I went to see him and his brother Mark at the Greensboro Coliseum (an absolutely amazing experience), he said that going into space was dangerous, being a Navy pilot was equally dangerous, but he couldn't worry about the parts of those endeavors that he personally could not control. He said about one of his shuttle missions, "I knew the role I had to play, the job I had to do and I could do my part, that part, to the very best of my ability and hope that all the others involved who were ultimately responsible for all of our lives also did their part just as diligently." That is one giant leap of Faith when the cost of being wrong is his life and the lives of others. I admire that resolve greatly! It inspires me.

I'm not a superhero (duh, shocker, right?!). I am not an astronaut. I have this one little life, this one little role to play in a great big world and an even more vast Universe and the thing is, I don't want to waste even a single drop. I want to wake up every morning that I'm allowed to do so, and use the 24 hours I'm given in that day to their fullest potential. Being grateful for being alive (which I absolutely am) is not the same as being significant to the world around me. That being said, my birthday wish is to find a more appropriate balance for my life-goals and stop worrying about all of the things that aren't in my power to "fix". As for the rest, the things beyond my simple human abilities, I have to have Faith that the other humans who occupy our Earth will do their own part towards making a better world. Some days that notion seems as fantastical as me suddenly wearing a cape, having superhuman strength, and flying around the globe righting wrongs all around me. Other days, when I come across a story of someone doing something fabulous, it doesn't feel like such a stretch (*see the story below for the ultimate in "fabulous" and inspiring)!




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    About The Author

    I grew up in rural North Carolina. When I was only nineteen, I moved away and became a military wife. My only aspiration at that tender time in my life was to create an adult life that "fixed" all of the "injustices" of my childhood. Secretly, however, I wanted to reach for the sky! I wanted to be a writer and find ways to "save the world" (my mother used to say, "You have Save the World Syndrome".). Mostly, I wanted to matter.

    Since then, I have learned to reach well beyond what I ever dared to think was possible. I've learned not to allow fear to stop me from whatever future I want to create!

    What keeps me grounded? My Tribe! What provides the wind beneath my wings? A well of reserves filled with unstoppable passion!

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  • Amy M. Schaefer, Writer
  • Blog: From the Front Porch
  • Novels
  • Short Stories
    • Children's Books
  • About the Author
  • Contact
  • Photo & Art Gallery