I've had so many crazy emotions going on lately that it's been really difficult finding my center. This is unacceptable in my world, as balance is so very important to me. I'm okay with strong emotions or events knocking me off balance occasionally...in fact I actually enjoy the change as long as I don't unpack and live there. My wild side is fun, but can be detrimental to my peace of mind (...not to mention my life, in general). My practical side is handy, steady, but can turn stodgy which quells my passion, a state I don't enjoy at all!

I think the 'big" things in life that knock us for a loop are beneficial. They make us re-evaluate ourselves, our direction and rarely do things go back the way they were once we come out on the other side of them. This would be great if I didn't fight change so much, but I am improving! Only took me forty-something years to be mostly okay with adjusting my heading per new changes! Finally, finally after all of this turmoil, I have found the space inside of me where Peace lives. I have no idea where the hell I'm going or what comes next...probably something I haven't even thought of yet. I do know that whatever it is, I'm a peace with the woman in the mirror who's facing it. That, alone, is worth whatever it cost me to get here!

"Side by side, or miles apart we are sisters connected by the heart." ~author Unknown

I don't know what it's like to have biological sisters and frankly I don't care. Sisters, to me, are those exceptional female souls that call to your own in a way that I don't even know how to explain except to say, "Yes, you and I fit together just right." It's a bond that stretches beyond friendship. It is a kinship that keeps me steady, brings me balance, and reminds me that I'm not alone. Biology can kiss my southern butt, as I've happily scooped up my own group of sisters by choice! We may not have any DNA in common, but that doesn't make our bond any less potent. In fact, I'd say it's even stronger because our connectedness had nothing to do with chance and everything to do with choice!

Today, my sister Yvette is on her way to see me and man is she coming at exactly the right time. It never ceases to amaze me when the Universe does this even though it has happened to me many, many times over the years (i.e. a phone call, visit, words of wisdom, kindness from a stranger, song on the radio, etc., that are exactly what I need, precisely when I need them). Last week was extremely difficult and all of the things I've been feeling lately have left me drained, emotionally strung out. It's a bit like going on some crazy bender and waking up at the end knowing that paying the Piper is going to royally suck! The fact that very soon I'll be able to hold my sister tight is enough to make me finally able to catch my breath and remind myself, "You've got this, girl. It's going to be O.K."

On this last Monday of June 2015, I am sitting here counting all of the mighty blessings I have in my life, most of which come in people-form! It is my fervent wish that wherever you are on this little blue planet, your own lives are filled with good people who build you up and give you strength..and vice versa. I also hope that the words I spill in blog form might do the same.

Yours Always,
A.

The lovers stood naked in front of me kissing as if it were a fevered madness, their faces and forms familiar to me. I slowly approached them, my eyes not wanting to believe what I was seeing, but having no choice except take it all in in silent horror. They turned to me when I got close and swift as a snake's strike brought daggers to my heart and severed arteries that connect it. Blood spattered everywhere as they laughed happily and went back to their intimate embrace. I woke gasping for air, my entire body shaking. Inside my mind, I was screaming loud enough to break things. I got up and forced my legs to carry me down the stairs and into the light of the quiet kitchen where no one stood but me. I took in the space around me, allowing the comfort of well known things calm my racing mind and slow the rapid fire beat of my heart. Just a dream, I told myself over and over again as I grabbed my journal, sat at the bar and began to write.

I've been plagued by nightmares for as long as I can remember. This one was especially brutal...and triggered by events that have unfolded in my real life this week. I am sad to say for the first time in my memory, I have experienced a level of hatred so black and oily I could feel it seeping out of my body and coating my skin. It has damn near consumed me and if I'm honest I have to admit that the thought I'm even capable of such vile, viscous hatred scares the hell out of me. The people it was directed towards are not bad people at all. In fact they are two people I care for deeply (...putting it mildly). As I sit here eating granola to get the bile taste out of my mouth and attempt to vanquish the dream, I remember something my Aunt Debbie once told me. She is a retired police officer who spent many years on the job seeing the worst that humanity has to offer. She said, "Anyone is capable of anything given the right circumstances and people who don't believe that are just fooling themselves." It comforts me a little to know that. It helps even more to know that this hatred I'm feeling WILL pass...it will eventually be purged and replaced with happy things. Not today, but hopefully soon.  The fear, too, will pass and in its wake will be the knowledge that I must be much more careful in the future whom I allow to get too close to me. It is not in my nature to "hold back", but I can see now that for the sake of self-preservation it is a necessity to proceed with caution from this point forward. I never EVER want to feel such deeply destructive feelings again and will go to great lengths to avoid a repeat of this experience that has me even now shaking with its intensity.

May your weekend be full of light and joyous things and may your dreams be nothing but vibrant beauty.

Always,
A.

I don't know how to feel anything in half-measures. That means when I do feel things the intensity can be seriously overwhelming! What I find so strange about that is that throughout my childhood and early adult life, I was a Master at heading any strong feelings off at the pass and shoving them down deep into some dark hole that I may or may not visit later. I did this for self-preservation and when "later" turned into years, and all those things I tucked away became this oozing, burning toxin in my body, I knew I had to deal with whatever was there or die. Clearly holding back wasn't healthy for me but now that I don't "bank" away my emotions, I'm left with a new kind of dilemma..what to do with them when their sheer magnitude becomes honestly so heavy I think it will just crush me underneath the weight of it all. The strange part is the discovery that either option for dealing with emotions, i.e. shoving them down and ignoring them, or letting them flow freely is fraught with hazards.

I don't know whether I should scream at the absolute top of my lungs, or curl up and weep and ocean of tears until my entire body lies spent and exhausted. Is there, like, a control valve somewhere that better regulates the flow or a shut-off switch that puts it on hold without poisoning and killing me in the process? I just don't know. My solution at the moment, however, is to shut down completely all external factors that create more noise than I can handle and ride the waves of what is left. Whether this strategy will work or not remains to be seen, but I'm going to give it a go and see what happens. Wish me luck!

Love,
A.

"A weak person destroys others in order to feel better about themselves; a strong person knows that by building others up he or she becomes stronger, too." ~A. Schaefer

We all have a sob story...pain we've had to endure, hardships we've had to overcome. Life, in general, will flat out break you if you let it. People will do that, too. Some will do it carelessly, without malicious intent, while for others it is quite calculated and deliberate. Either way, the hurt is the same, the wounds still bleed red. I believe that those who harm others intentionally do so to mask their own self-hatred and pain. Inside the black space where they live, they're going down and by God taking as many people as possible with them. I recognize these kinds of people fairly quickly, have in fact had too many of them close enough to me to cause some serious, life-long damage. And one or two damn near broke me beyond repair. "Almost" only counts, however, in horse shoes and strategic air strikes.

My life has been a series of pain, joy, betrayal, lies, truth, courage, and building experiences...just like everyone elses. I can choose to allow the difficult things to destroy me, turn me into something ugly, or use them to build beautiful things from the devastation when it comes. I choose...to build. I choose...to remove toxic people from my Tribe. I choose...to love without fear, and adjust my course when and if that love goes horribly wrong. My "sob" story may not be unique, but it's mine and it matters. Not all of those tears I've shed have been from pain and every single difficult thing I've had to face has been wrapped in a lesson, as well as opportunities. Every time someone or something has shattered me into pieces, I've learned how to turn those pieces into seeds that grow. It's a skill-set that is not easy to learn but I can promise you it yields great rewards!

I sat staring at a blank page while my brain bounced from idea to idea in random flashes.....why is it that some people don't know you even when they know almost everything about you, while others who barely know a thing about you connect on a visceral level?...do I share too much with my daughters or should I hold back more in order to protect them?....I wonder how my father is doing today? ....on and on they crash like waves against my brain, many of them disconnected. I feel as if they're going to start leaking out of my ear at any moment!

Honestly, that happens to me a lot, my head full of thoughts, crowded with information it categorizes, analyzes, and processes at speeds that make me dizzy. It's like this bulging bus full of people and I just want to crawl up there and shove some of them off so there will be some quiet spaces amidst all the flipping noise! Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Instead I have to find various means of distracting myself to give the overwhelming amount of thoughts time to seep into wherever they go when I don't pay attention to them because they DO eventually shut up. How do you wrap up a stream of consciousness that seemingly has not beginning or end? I'm happily open to suggestions besides a lobotomy!

I went to lunch today with a group of my mother's cousins. I mean, they're my cousins too, but they are all from her generation so to my mind they "belong" to her. As I listened to them talk about various childhood stories, I could clearly imagine her beautiful face there at the table next to me laughing while she reminisced, adding her own tales. It was interesting hearing all of their memories of her and other things she would have related to. It was also very bittersweet.

She's been gone now for eighteen years and her absence is no longer this mad, blinding pain that it was in the beginning when her loss was fresh and the days crawled by in a blur of nothingness. I think the part that amazes me most about losing her is realizing just how many people she touched in some way. Not just touched, but it's like she left pieces of herself behind that stuck to them and now lives on. Naturally from a purely scientific standpoint, me, my girls, and my up-coming grandchild are her genetic legacy and yet it is so much more than that! I feel her spirit speaking to me in little ways all the time. I see it in others who knew and loved her. The forty-six years of her life were filled with stardust and broken dreams. It is astonishing to me what one can build with such difficult materials to work with, but that's exactly what she did.

I share this with you today so that perhaps you will be inspired by her story and use it to build the best "every day" you possibly can, no matter how bleak your situation may seem. There is power in the sharing of a story that seemed pretty hopeless and tragic but instead shattered into a million points of light that continue to grow beyond the boundaries of her little body. I won't say I want to be just like my mom. I will say, however, it is my fervent hope that I leave beauty in some way or another on everything and everyone I touch for as long as I live.

I've been trying all day to pin down in my mind THE recipe for what makes a "good" father. Naturally the first ingredient to that is love, but really that one's a gimme because unless something is very wrong, most men love their children. That love usually comes in an array of forms but it's there just the same. I could list a host of ingredients to the "great dad" mix and I'm sure many items I'd put there are ones you'd agree with. We all have pretty common traits we value, but for me the key ingredient is investment...of time, attention, and support. These are things with absolutely zero "financial" connections but MAN are they important!

The act of investing in people, period, is the most precious act of love there is. It is also, to my mind, the most important thing we ever do in this whacky, crazy life. With Father's Day coming up on Sunday, I've been looking back at the investment my husband has made in our daughter's lives. He texts them almost daily, read and played with them when they were little, taught them how to swim, and ride a bike. And mostly he showed them every single day that they mattered! He is the kind of father I ached for as a child and the one I hope for in our future sons'-in-law. As a woman, there is no better way to show his love for me than by the way he loves our children. None! He honors and respects me and our girls by the way he treats us, the payoff being that all three of us feel cherished. A simple thank you is not enough to show my gratitude but it's all I have (...except for that chainsaw you've been wanting forEVER, Sarge).

Happy Father's Day to all of the strong, wonderful men out there who choose to make the ultimate investment in the children of this world!

Love,
A.

"Soulmates come disguised in many forms." ~A. Schaefer

When you have a child that's so much like you, it's inevitable that sooner rather than later the two of you are going to clash! Twenty-two years ago today, I looked into the eyes of my youngest daughter for the first time. It was definitely love at first sight, but that doesn't mean it's been an easy road. In fact, in her teen years, her father was deployed a lot which made things in our house very tense. He is a good buffer between the two of us when he's home, and when he's not...look out! Honestly, he should probably get a medal for enduring me and my clone, as dealing with me sometimes is difficult enough. Adding her to the mix makes the task nearly impossible!

When they were in high school, both of my girls were asked to speak at a school function about what it was like growing up as a military brat. They invited me to attend, and I wasn't sure what to expect. My husband's deployment at that time had been particularly difficult and things at home were NOT pleasant. When it was time, my oldest got up and told some fun stories, making the crowd that was gathered laugh. She kept it light and brief, not enjoying being in the spotlight at all. My youngest went next, and the words she spoke will stay with me a long time. She said, "I really admire and respect what my dad does for our country, but it's my mom I want to talk about today. She's the one who keeps everything in our family going mostly by herself and no matter how hard it is, she always makes sure we're safe and happy. I know it's hard for her and sometimes I hear her crying at night. She's the one I want to be just like when I grow up." I was floored, tears streaming down my face. This? From the mouth of a child who seemed as if she hated me? Teenagers! What are ya gonna do?! Not long after that, the song below came on and she said, "Oh hey...turn that up. This song has always reminded me of you, mom. It's how I feel about you." I silently cried the entire time it played.

Today we celebrate the day she came into this world, and really I have no words to express just what a magical gift that was...not just to us, but to the world. Be kind to my baby, please, as her Mama Lion (that's one of her pet names for me) loves her ferociously! Happy birthday my Freckles!

Always,

A.

"Amazing can only be contained for so long--Lightning in a bottle." ~Shorty Diana Otte

The sky is dark, thunder in the distance rumbles the ground. I can feel the crackle of static in the air. I love these days, when the heat and humidity cook up a summer storm (...although the first day of summer has yet to officially happen). I love how thick and heavy the air feels right before the sky opens up and squeezes rain out of clouds bloated with moisture. I am always in awe of the wild show of light, when Mother Nature puts on her finest and reminds us of her amazing power. When she is finally spent, the air will cool and frogs will sing their nighttime lullaby. Not many things on earth make me feel so alive as nature in all her sexy glory. Today as I watch the storm unfold, it's difficult to focus my attention on writing. All I want to do is gorge myself on the sights, sounds, smells, and the tingly prickles that tickle my skin with excitement. Alive...I feel so very deliciously alive and I don't want that feeling to end. Wherever this day finds you, I hope it's as super-charged full of sparks and life!

Love,
A.