 "Change is the essence of life; be willing to surrender who you are, for what you could become." --Anonymous
The first steps towards anything are almost always the most difficult. I remember watching my daughters go from crawling to walking--grab on to something sturdy, pull yourself up, hold yourself steady and test out this new way of getting around, upright, on two legs! Lots of falling down, trying again, and eventually those little legs move from an unsteady gait into full-on running--usually in search of the next "big" thing. It is a great metaphor for how we approach life--choosing or changing a career, moving to a new location, making friends...all of these are difficult for me. I'm not good with change. It makes me uncomfortable, discombobulated, and there are always those doubts in my mind: "What if I make a mistake?"; "What if I can't cut it?"; "What if I'm not good enough, or just not enough?". One of the joys of being in my forties is that those doubts are more like an annoying whisper in my ear, as opposed to the bellowing roar they were in my youth. Through life-experience, I have also learned that change is good for me. I know people who get stuck...stuck in one kind of rut or another and stay there indefinitely. Heck, I've been a guest of those ruts before, too. Staying in them is much easier and more familiar than pulling yourself OUT. We sit and complain about the things we hate, the things we wish for, from the safety of our little rut, and never have to exert the energy to take the risk of changing it; and it IS a risk. For me, probably for many, this is an extremely unhealthy way to live, so when I find myself in that place, static, unchanging, getting out of it as painlessly as possible is essential! I laugh at typing, seeing that word, "painlessly", because so often change comes with its share of hurts. I couldn't have recovered from some of those hurts that were so intense they blinded me and brought me to my knees, had it not been for the "sturdy things" I had to hold on to, people in my life who've steadfastly stood by me, holding on through every storm, any fall. They held me until I was steady again, until I got back up and kept walking...and now look at me learning to fly! *Image from sheknows.com.
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 "I am watching over you from the stars, don't be scared, I know exactly where you are, cause there's a piece of me and it's burning in your heart, even death could never tear us apart." --from "Rock My Body" by The Higher I have lost count of the number of times that people or things have come into my life at the precise time I needed them...poignant words from a stranger, a song that comes on and conveys exactly what I'm feeling, an unexpected conversation with an old friend that carries on as if no time has passed, etc. Last night, as I sat on my deck star-gazing and trying to reign in emotions from my frustration in regards to my teaching career, a soft breeze began to blow and on the breeze I caught the sweet scent of roses. Aunt Mattie, my constant "Directional North", had a huge rose garden that she tended lovingly for as long as she was able. To me the scent of roses will forever be synonymous with a woman I couldn't have lived without. As I took in her scent on the breeze, it felt as if she and the Universe were saying, "It's going to be O.K." I let the aromatic comfort from the warm summer breeze soothe my pain. Today, while speaking with a friend of mine about these things, we got on the topic of songs that haunt us. I shared with him a song that always reminds me of my mother--"Hurt" by Christina Aguilera. When I was done playing it, he said to me, "I don't know why I feel like I should share this one with you. It doesn't speak to me but it seems right for this moment." He sent me "I Saved The World Today" by the Eurythmics and it had barely begun before my face was coated with tears. My mother used to say to me all the time, "Amy, you have Save-the-World Syndrome." He didn't know that...most people don't know that about me, but as it played I knew that yet again my ancestors and the Universe were watching over me and offering comfort in their own way for the things that hurt me. I am so grateful for the people who heal me and for the ability to listen when the Universe speaks. *Images from allaboutrosegardening.com and 90ninetattoodesigns.com. 
 All day, every day, our lives are a series of choices. This applies to every facet of our day, every person with whom we interact, or not, and our attitudes about these things. Do we get up or stay in bed? Do we show up or make an excuse as to why we can't? Do we hold on to a grudge or let it go and offer up kindness, forgiveness? We all know at least one someone whom we could tell a thousand good things to and only one bad one, and they would latch onto that bit of negative and focus on that, chew on it incessantly (or maybe we ARE that person). These decisions we make determine the course of our day and ultimately represent whether we choose to be happy, or not..because happiness IS a choice.The same is true about the people and relationships we keep or cut from our lives. I tell my husband all the time when he grumbles about the truly persistent weeds in our yard, that a weed is just a flower that has not yet realized its full potential. His standard reply is, "Well, it will have to do that somewhere else," while he douses the poor "almost-flower" with poison. Having a lawn that he is proud of is a choice he makes over and over again, as he devotes money, sweat, time and energy to creating his vision of "just the right yard." Healthy, vibrant green grass that is soft to walk on with bare feet, trees that grow tall and strong, providing cool shade on hot summer days, and flowers in bold colors, with sweet scents that catch and carry on the breeze matter to him, even if it means the untimely demise of whatever he deems a weed. Isn't that what we do with people, too? We often keep close and cultivate the relationships with people who make us feel alive, the people who help us to heal or learn or grow and hopefully that is reciprocated. And while I'm certainly not suggesting we poison the people who "disrupt our growth" with Weed-Be-Gone, a better choice is to allow them to thrive "elsewhere", i.e. the abandoned lot across the street or the wild, untamed woods behind our house. Many things happen in our lives that are completely out of our control, such as the loss of a loved one or the diagnosis of a serious health issue, etc. It is our choice, however, to allow ourselves to be ruled by those happenstances or to mold our own future in spite of them. *Images from quoteko.com. 
 "My goal is simple. It is a complete understanding of the Universe, why it is as it is and why it exists at all." --Stephen Hawking
I am shamelessly addicted to the TV show "Ancient Aliens" on the History2 Channel. Part of the reason for my addiction is that I am frequently stuck looking out at the world via newsfeeds, everyday mundane activities, stories around the world about horrible things, frustration with issues regarding our state and federal governments, and wonder, "Is this it? Is this the best that mankind can do?" Our world is a mess, full of hate, violence, bigotry, apathy, disparity of wealth, resources, advantages, and some of the most popular things we watch or read about involve the utter downfall of others! Then, when it all becomes too much for me to bear, I go to my fallback method, one of my nightly rituals (if the weather cooperates), and curl up in a chair on my back deck, my eyes watching the night sky. Since discovering the show "Ancient Aliens", looking up has taken on a whole new meaning. To me, the question of "Are we alone in the Universe?" is pretty silly, as I believe the odds that we're "it" are astronomical! To quote Truman (Billy Bob Thornton) from one of my favorite movies (Armageddon), "It's a big-ass sky!" The Ancient Alien Theory postulates what could be found in that sky, and not all of their theories are whacky! I want to believe that somewhere up there other sentient beings have done "it", living, better than we have. I want to believe that in our own arrogance and self-absorption, we are merely the little kids on the Universal block and there is hope for us to evolve beyond this "small child who destroys his/her toys" phase. Let's face it, we're the only creatures on this planet who destroy our own habitat, essential for our very survival, usually for money. We are also the only creature on this planet that kill for no reason! That doesn't bode well for our future! Usually, the last thing I do at the end of the day after soaking up the night sky and before I say my prayers (which often involve me pleading for God to take pity on us and save us from ourselves), is turn on an episode of "Ancient Aliens" and watch for awhile. I let myself believe that life exists out there and at some point in their history they were as screwed up as we seem to be. I allow myself to hope that not only is there something "more", so much more than we can possibly imagine, but also that as a people we can actually get there. Of course there's always the possibility that they will come here (and if you believe the Ancient Alien Theory, they already have), see that we're not much more evolved than the beasts on Earth, and stick us in some Intergalactic Zoo somewhere out past Orion's Belt (insert shudder here)! *Image from vintervila.deviantart.com.  "Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world." --Nelson Mandela
As I chase one of my own dreams, it wasn't an accident that today I came across education videos on YouTube that talk about some of the most pressing issues in America's public schools. I couldn't have stepped onto the path of becoming a writer without educating myself in a myriad of ways, and that got me thinking about the discussions and lectures I've had with my students over the last nine years. I have said to all of my students, "Dream big," but then I've worked on helping them educate themselves and create a plan, because merely having a dream isn't enough. Our K-12 schools in the United States, however, are in crisis. Realistically, how many of our youth will actually be able to pursue their dreams with the hope of success? In the documentary "Dream with Me: One Year in America's Public Schools" (www.youtube.com/watch?v=08JnBsQ7PM), a student at the beginning stated, "You need to be educated in order to do anything..." One of his classmates, however, pointed out that, "Overpopulated schools, under-qualified teachers---you're just setting up every one of our kids to fail..." While I agree that those two things are a problem in many places, they're not the only problem and this documentary attempts to unpack a lot of issues facing the Los Angeles Unified School District, (i.e. high drop-out rates, high teacher turn-over, lack of funding, numerous discipline issues, etc.), which are common problems in American schools around the country. Having taught in three very different districts, Dysart Unified School District in Maricopa County, Arizona, Wayne County School District, in Wayne County North Carolina, and Winston-Salem/Forsyth County School District, in Forsyth County North Carolina, I know what I believe relevant issues are in regards to trouble with our Nation's schools, however I wanted to hear what the kids had to say. I've always enjoyed PBS and they conducted research for a special called, "Students Speak out on the Biggest Issues in Education" (www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hsj-GDgOEo)--right up my alley! Here are some of the things the kids had to offer: "When students don't have the motivation to learn and they don't have the motivation to perform well...then they don't see futures for themselves..." Pika C. from San Antonio, TX "Whenever they see their parents don't respect the fact that it is necessary to have an education in today's society, they don't place as much importance on it and they don't reach their full potential." --Mackenzie H. from Richwood, WV "A teacher and schools can try as hard as they can to teach a student, help them learn and progress but if a student doesn't want to learn, they're just not going to learn and there's nothing you really can do to change that." --Mason S. from Fort Mill, SC "You have lawmakers constantly adding new standards, new benchmarks, new standardized tests, um, curriculum kind of restrictions, teacher mandates without actually visiting their constituents' classrooms." --Riley B. Austin, TX "The biggest problem in education is lack of motivation in students. I mean, they feel like they're only going to school because they have to and there's not going to be any real reward at the end. If you say you're going to college at the end and get a good job, that's nice to hear but they don't really know that. That's in the future. That's not something they can grab onto. That's not a tangible thing." --Malachi S. Oakland, CA I was delighted to find that these young people seem to have their finger on the pulse of American education issues, but it's not enough to know what's wrong. One must be willing to formulate and enact real plans towards solving these problems, as Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa attempted to do in 2008 from the "Dream..." documentary. One of the teachers tells the students, "All your dreams are important but the most important thing is that you believe in your dreams." The most important thing for the rest of us to do, I believe, is to find a way to ensure the path in pursing those dreams is a reality. This topic is as much at the heart and soul of who I am as following my own dreams, and thankfully, I'm not alone. I want, I need for every child in America to be able to do the same! If we fail at this, we not only crush their dreams, we destroy the "American Dream". As I think about that term...the American Dream...I realize that's not enough. Every child, in every space around the globe should be allowed to have dreams AND a way to attain them--so many problems with that, so many roadblocks in the way, I don't even know where to begin...but I will NOT be deterred. I will not sit idly by and watch children crushed by apathy and indifference, self-interests and agendas, politics, lies and double-speak...I WON'T do it! I don't know what comes next, but I will find the right platform! To be continued... *Image from clker.com.  "I write to make peace with the things I cannot control. I write to create fabric in a world that often appears black and white. I write to begin a dialogue. I write to imagine things differently and in imagining things differently perhaps the world will change." --Terry Tempest Williams from "Why I Write" article in Northern Lights magazine
With the release of my first novel merely a few days away, I've been thinking a lot about what it means to chase a dream. It is a huge risk putting a somewhat "stable" career (i.e. teaching) on hold while I devote my time and attention to this wild idea of mine to become a writer. Technically I've always been a writer at heart, but I've never taken the plunge of putting myself "out there." And I never imagined that I'd be sharing my deepest thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams with the whole world--mostly I thought I'd keep all of those things private, tucked away in some inner closet inside myself where I wouldn't be subjected to censure, judgements, rejection...the "Safe Zone"...isn't that where most people live? Insulated from conflict, criticism, and closed off...protected? It is where I've lived for most of my life, but what I've learned in the short time I've been doing this is that the "Safe Zone" is an illusion. We are not safe from anything, including ourselves because while we can minimize all of those things down in our lives to some quiet roar, they're still there, they still happen. People judge us all the time--stand in our way and demand we conform--hold power over us by way of a paycheck, an opportunity, or emotions held hostage until our behavior conforms to their expectations. What do I really have to lose by chasing this dream? Nothing! I have already gained so much of value that there isn't a way to convert it into simple dollar signs. In a little over a week, I will join the ranks of becoming a published author! My greatest hope is that people will read Desperate Measures and enjoy the characters, identify with them, and delight in the ride from start to finish. It will be pure joy to hear, "When is the next one coming out?" Regardless of what happens with this or in the future, I'm still going to wildly pursue and enjoy my passion and hopefully people will bask in it with me! *Image from www.unm.edu.  "Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity." --Albert Einstein
Many events over the last three years have changed me and there is no "reset button" to change me back to what I was before those people and events rearranged things inside of me, unlocking some parts and morphing others. I've talked to various people about their own life-changes and shared parts of my own. Often, of late, I've heard the terms "Empty Nest Syndrome" or "Mid-Life Crisis" or even "Going Through the Change" and wondered if the answers to my issues are as simple as fitting neatly into one of these categories. There are certainly over-lapping characteristics of these things that fit, but just like most everything else in my life, I don't pigeon-hole well into any one classification. Does that make me weird? Maybe. Does it make me unique? I doubt it. I thought my path forward was set, spending years building and paving the road I was traveling on, only to be brought to a complete halt where it ended in a "T" style crossroads. Left and right, the new road extends as far as the eye can see, but I have no idea what awaits me down either direction. "We have to get used to the idea that at the most important crossroads in our life there are no signs." --Ernest Hemingway When I first realized that "my road" had ended and a different set of paths appeared, I completely lost it, panicked and floundered, almost drowning in my fears. Now though, I've gotten my feet under me and found some semblance of balance. I have chosen a new direction--no longer stuck at the crossroads sign. I'm still afraid and have no idea where this path is going to take me, but I'm learning to create new markers for myself and piece by piece I'm laying new pavement.Fear will no longer hold me in place and arrest my forward motion. Whatever lies ahead, I will embrace as a new adventure! *Image at ntiogasdportal.ntiogasd.org.  "Some of the best memories are made in flip flops." --Kellie Elmore
The sticky, steamy air clung to me like a fog bank hugging a mountain. My skin was slick with sweat and my mind was cluttered with too many thoughts that the summer heat wasn't helping to abate. I grabbed my swimsuit, quickly changed, slid my feet into a pair of my favorite flip flops, slathered on some SPF 45, snagged the pool bag, and headed off to cool my body and clear my head. I don't know why such a simple act like swimming has the power to wash away my troubles, but it does. Maybe it has something to do with the calming, soothing effects of water, in general. Perhaps it's the distinct quiet that shuts off most of the outside noises when your head goes under water and reduces the noise to an "off-in-the-distance" kind of garble. Whatever the reason, I'm grateful that it works. I listened to the happy chatter from the neighborhood kids at play in the water. They played games that were familiar from my own childhood, like "Marco, Polo" (which has become a Schaefer family tradition when any of us are out in public and get separated...that's how we find each other, by walking through wherever saying, "Marco" and listening for the required "Polo" response). The kids also made up their own games as they laughed, splashed and played--happy, carefree. I wanted to capture that "simple joy" and take it with me when I left, but unfortunately life doesn't work that way. When I got in my car to drive home, the summer spell was broken the moment I shut the door. As I pulled into my own driveway, I knew that all was not lost. Some of my worries had been left behind for the pool filters to sort out, having seeped out of my brain while my head was under water. The rest I'll attempt to drown again when I go back to the pool tomorrow! *Image from www.gograph.com.  This Bridge by Shel Silverstein This bridge will only take you halfway there To those mysterious lands you long to see: Through gypsy camps and swirling Arab fairs And moonlit woods where unicorns run free. So come and walk awhile with me and share The twisting trails and wondrous worlds I've known. But this bridge will only take you halfway there--- The last few steps you'll have to take alone. (From A Light in the Attic) Parenting, to me, is a lot like Mr. Silverstein's poem. As the bridge, we bring our children into this world, tend to them, nurture them, read them stories, encourage their imagination and dreams, teach them right from wrong, and then let go when it's time for them to take the rest of their steps alone. Once they're ready to venture out into the world on their own, we step back into the roles of support/advisory staff. It wasn't easy for me to let her go, but we both knew when it was "time" for it. Twenty-one years ago today the little sassy girl from the picture above came into our lives. She has certainly been a gift to me, but I've been thinking today of what a gift this magical beauty is to the world. She is full of life and exuberance, but she is also kind, thoughtful and responsible. She is a young woman of Faith who always tries to see the best in people. She has a silly, fun sense of humor and a smart mouth. She has a tender heart, but can be ferocious when she's in "protective mode". She loves animals, is kind to the Earth and wants to make positive contributions to the world and the people on it. Keep shining that bright light of yours on the world, my little Freckles. Those of us who love you dearly will be cheering you on every step of the way! Oh, and don't forget...have CAKE! 
 If there is one thing that I think about the most, one dominating thought that comes to me over and over again and has for the better part of my life, it is the desire to live a life that makes me relevant to this planet, at this time and for the entire course of my Earthly existence. I have frequently doubted my own worth, especially in regards to the "grand scheme of things", whatever that means. While pondering this very thing today and wondering how I will be remembered, if I will be remembered when my body is nothing but ash and dust, I came across a poem by someone special to me that was written for me, about me. I must say I'm very grateful I saved it and came across it at a time when I needed it. I am humbled that anyone could look at me and see the images from the words below. Here is what he had to say:
You by GallantMount Free and spiriting; open like a stemming rose. My quill knows you well. Will you think of me in bits and pieces; of when I taste your fortune? Yes, I am those words you dissect to know the tinctures of inspirations. Make tight your spirit of nice. In your eyes I see reason made by your allure; worlds beyond Heaven. Wherever you are, thank you for the precious gift of your exquisite words that remind me I am not "nothing", lost in a world full of billions. |
About The Author
I grew up in rural North Carolina. When I was only nineteen, I moved away and became a military wife. My only aspiration at that tender time in my life was to create an adult life that "fixed" all of the "injustices" of my childhood. Secretly, however, I wanted to reach for the sky! I wanted to be a writer and find ways to "save the world" (my mother used to say, "You have Save the World Syndrome".). Mostly, I wanted to matter. Archives
August 2021
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