Amy M. Schaefer
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From the Front Porch

I am an "accidental blogger". When I launched my writing career in March of 2014, one of the things that I decided to include was my journaling, which I have always found to be a comforting and therapeutic endeavor.  It was a big risk to open myself up in such a public forum, but it has taught me that, for the most part, we share far more experiences than we think. It's comforting to know I'm not alone!  (*the "Button Text" is the link to my first novel)
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What's In Your Investment Portfolio?

4/22/2015

7 Comments

 
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Stocks? Bonds? Preparing for your financial future is never a bad thing (...unless you only have hours to live because that giant asteroid will be hitting a neighborhood near you any day now), but today my mind has been rotating through a different kind of investment---people. And actually, it's been an on-going mental dialogue I've been having with myself for awhile now. Who do I invest my time an energy with? Do those people return my efforts in kind? Aunt Mattie would say that we give for the sake of giving and should expect nothing in return, but seriously, who does that? Nothing in return? And where does it stop? Like, do you just keep giving until there's nothing left of you and then call it? (...Been there, done that, got the t-shirt! It sucks royally!) Having Aunt Mattie as my directional North is sometimes a wicked battle between her true goodness and my own very flawed nature. We are, she and I, often at war, although I am learning how to concede to the fact that I am not her, will never be her, and that doesn't make me a bad person...just different.

Over the course of my life I have made more than a few bad investments in people that ended up causing me great pain. Really though, most of the time my pain was self-induced, based on the unrealistic expectations of the people I was investing in, i.e. a mother who was not what my mind said mothers were supposed to be, or the young bride expecting her equally young husband to be her knight in shining armor when he didn't even know what kind of man he was going to grow up to be, himself! Talk about pressure! I remember telling my father not long ago, "It wasn't easy to learn that you aren't really the superhero of my childhood mind, just the flawed, normal man trying to do the best he can. It hurt." He laughed and replied, "Sorry about that!" It's taken me a long time to understand that some investments are worth making regardless of the return, while others are just a painful waste of time and misplaced energy. Lack of, or withdrawal from those investments doesn't have to be bitter or unkind, but we should never forget the most important investment of all...the one we devote to ourselves. I used to think that meant being "selfish". Now I know it's not the same thing at all!

Expectations still get me in trouble, whether they are of myself or projected onto someone else, but I'm getting better at shutting down that projector and accepting what I find when I truly see others for who they are rather than who I think they should be. Taking off that lens of expectation makes the entire exchange, no matter how brief, much more accurate and honest. There is a beauty in that, even when it hurts. And while I will never be a woman as selfless as Mattie was, she would have loved me anyway, flaws and all.
7 Comments
B B King
4/23/2015 04:57:46 am

There is a saying: "It's better to have lost then to never have loved at all". I believe that.

Pain is a growing / leaning thing. For instance: if I slide down a hill in the snow and run into a bush or tree, I learn that to do that is very painful and I never want to do that again so I change my course. I learn.

In a relationship, at the beginning, life is beautiful and exciting and all the world seem perfect but then when it doesn't work out the pain comes and you learn or at least you should learn why it didn't work so you don't make those mistakes again.

Some people never learn, unfortunately, and are bound to repeat.

I look at myself and say, I must not have learned a very good lesson as I have repeated some mistakes - not intentionally, but perhaps through habit.

I still believe, though, I am a better person for having gone through what I have then never to have experienced it at all.

As far as family goes, family is family and no matter what, except in extreme cases (I have had one), you will always love them through all their ups and downs.

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Amy M. Schaefer
4/23/2015 05:05:13 am

You and I agree on a lot of different topics. My father says I have a head like a rock (...and he should know because his DNA is how I got it in the first place), which usually translates to having to make mistakes over and over again before I finally learn whatever it was I needed to.

I will say, I'm not sorry one bit for anyone I ever loved but I do regret some of the time I wasted trying to live up to whatever it was they wanted me to be in order for them to return that love. I know the damage inside my heart that caused me to do that and I'm really grateful that those broken places have finally healed. They didn't go back the same way they were before, but they don't bleed anymore. I hope that makes sense!

Always,
A.

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B B King
4/23/2015 05:24:06 am

Life experiences make us who we are today. Having said that, life experiences can also harm us mentally and/or physically. It is part of growing and no, they don't go back the way they were but you can't expect it to. Reading teaches us words, pain teaches us caution and love teaches us happiness no matter how long it's for. We grow every single day. I learn every single day.
When I was a contractor I listened to my apprentices and anybody else that had an opinion and that's how I learn. No one knows everything.

B B King
4/23/2015 05:12:19 am

One last thought. Those in your family may not turn out to be what you think or hoped they would be but that's okay because you love them for WHO they are and not WHAT they are.

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Amy M. Schaefer
4/23/2015 05:26:18 am

It is the only way to love. Why it takes so long to realize that is beyond me...apparently I'm a S-L-O-W learner. I know part of the problem is that I always want to believe the best in people and if that's wrong, I'm okay with it. I do NOT want to turn into one of those people who just assumes people are bad until proven otherwise. I'd rather die than become that cynical and jaded.

Amy M. Schaefer
4/23/2015 05:35:00 am

...sometimes it lasts forever, sometimes just a moment, and sometimes those are the same thing.

Amy M. Schaefer
4/23/2015 05:29:57 am

"Reading teaches us words, pain teaches us caution, and love teaches us happiness no matter how long it lasts for..." that part is going to stick with me for a REALLY long time. Thank you so much for putting it there.

Love,
A.

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    About The Author

    I grew up in rural North Carolina. When I was only nineteen, I moved away and became a military wife. My only aspiration at that tender time in my life was to create an adult life that "fixed" all of the "injustices" of my childhood. Secretly, however, I wanted to reach for the sky! I wanted to be a writer and find ways to "save the world" (my mother used to say, "You have Save the World Syndrome".). Mostly, I wanted to matter.

    Since then, I have learned to reach well beyond what I ever dared to think was possible. I've learned not to allow fear to stop me from whatever future I want to create!

    What keeps me grounded? My Tribe! What provides the wind beneath my wings? A well of reserves filled with unstoppable passion!

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  • Amy M. Schaefer, Writer
  • Blog: From the Front Porch
  • Novels
  • Short Stories
    • Children's Books
  • About the Author
  • Contact
  • Photo & Art Gallery