This has been a whacky koo koo year full of unexpected things but really that's true of just about all of them, or at least most of the forty-six I've experienced. I paced the deck earlier in an attempt to collect my thoughts about things this year that stand out the most. My mind, however, decided it wanted a simpler approach, spitting out snippets of lessons it wanted me to remember as I head into the new year. Here they are in the order they pop into my brain...

*When you harm someone or something, make amends.
*Never put your power into the hands of another, no matter how wonderful or capable they seem.
*Don't be ashamed of anything that makes you truly happy, but remember your actions don't just affect you.
*Kindness is never wasted, even when it's not appreciated.
*Love with all you have, knowing that often that's going to hurt. It's still worth it.
*Follow your own path, even when it means leaving some you love behind. It's okay if they don't stay on the entire journey with you. Remember, they too have a path they must follow.
*Do not allow yourself to become complacent. We are, after all, here to do much more than just work, eat, sleep & die.
*Who you are matters, even if you are the only one who knows this absolute truth.
*Strive to achieve the "best you" possible. It feels good to grow even when it hurts, and your soul will thank you.
*Everyone has done things they are ashamed of. This is part of the human condition. Don't allow your mistakes to dim your self-worth (...this one is really hard for me, just typing it makes me cry).
*Never stop dreaming, star-gazing, being silly, or dancing.
*No dream is unattainable, but ALL dreams come with a price tag. Be prepared to pay for the cost your dreams will exact.
*What you put "out" into the world will ALWAYS come back to you.
*Time stops for no one...so remember to live right now because the clock is ever ticking.
*Happiness is a choice, not a destination and no one can create or choose it for you but you.
*You have this one life, this one day, this one moment...what are you going to do with it? (..a question I think I should be asking myself every single day)
*Forever is not as long as you think, and love is the only thing in this life that matters (i.e. love of life, love of the Earth, love of self, and love of others).

And finally, I want to say...thank you all for coming with me on this journey! I can't even express how much I love having you with me every step of the way!

May your 2016 be filled with magical things!

Love,
A.

I drove into the quaint little downtown area of Smalltown Somewhere, America, taking in the little shops and restaurants along the Main Street row. I parked at a metered space and got out to look around. "I could live here," I thought as I window shopped, enjoying an antique store here and a kitchen specialty shop there. A lovely old town hall building sat majestic and proud at the end of Main Street with a lush green park across from it on the other side. As I grew closer, I could hear ducks happily quacking on some nearby pond. I'd pop into the town hall and do a bit of research before calling my husband to give a report on what I'd found.

The clerk at the counter, an older woman with white hair and kind eyes asked politely, "May I help you?" "Yes, ma'am. I'd like to read a bit about your town's history. Where would be the best place to start?" I asked. Before she could speak, a muffled scream could be heard from somewhere in the building. She attempted to ignore it, and in a strained flourish suggested I try the library on the other end of town near the University campus. I thanked her and headed for the door preparing to open it when I heard what sounded like a loud crash. I turned towards the clerk's window, but she had gone. "Do I investigate or just go?" I wondered, my hand now on the doorknob. I took a deep breath and quietly crept back into the depths of the building in search of the source of the noise. "You should leave," my inner voice warned even though there was really no chance of that happening now.

I'd found the door that seemed to be where the source of the unusual and disturbing noises were coming from and opened it just a crack. It took a moment for my mind to register the horrors that my eyes were seeing and a great deal of restraint not to scream loud and long, myself. I tried to close the door quietly, but it was too late. The man responsible for what was going on in the room saw me and was immediately on a radio. Somewhere in my mind, I knew this man was "in charge" and that, alone, felt unbelievably frightening. I turned and ran. I ran as fast as I could without knocking into people on the sidewalk while fishing in my purse for my car keys and phone. Finally at my car, with hands shaking, I unlocked the door, started the car, and called my husband. My words came out in a shaky flourish as I drove in an attempt to escape. It was, however, too late for that. Several police cars were now in pursuit of me. I floored it, got as far from them as possible without killing any pedestrians, and then got out to run.

I tried to lose myself in the sea of students on the University campus where I'd ended up, but that didn't matter as those pursuing me with an army of assault rifles merely mowed people down in their path. At the end of a long corridor, I ran head first into my husband. I was so relived to see him and gripped his hand as tightly as possible. While we were trying to make our escape, however, we got separated. I found a hiding spot, but I could hear men's voices behind me, men with guns intent on my silence and they were close. I made myself as small as possible in my hiding place, my body shaking so hard it made my teeth rattle. Surely it was so loud they would hear me, but my willpower was not enough to make them stop. And then the butt of a gun was touching the back of my head and I knew that was it...

I woke shaking and disoriented. I stumbled to the bathroom and washed my face, attempting to calm myself. When I crawled back into bed, the clock showed 4:12 am. I shook my husband's shoulder and whispered, "You wanted me to wake you if I had another one." Groggily he reached for me, "I did" he said. I couldn't let him wrap around me, however, still too freaked out with one foot in the dream and the other trying to grab onto the real world. He understood without me having to say something and merely took my hand. Three minutes later I could hear his soft snores. It was much longer for me, however, before I allowed sleep to take me again.

My youngest daughter recently tuned me into Pinterest. I resisted for quite awhile, thinking, "What would I want with a bunch of images of things I don't have?" Ohhhh how ridiculously wrong I was! What I have discovered since taking the plunge is an entire world full of "sparks", ideas that have my mind firing away at warp speed, which is especially poignant considering I'm on the hunt for new dreams! This little gem of a site has given me so many options that I'm already on total information overload and wondering what I want to do first, as well as how I'll get to all I want to do during the course of one lifetime (...like making my own soap, raising chickens & goats, and creating my own herbal garden for home remedies!)!

I am delighted to find a place that feels like a magic cauldron of ideas to inspire me, although I really must learn to pace myself! I am learning how to use this site as a great tool in many facets of my life...from trying out new recipes to learning the in's and out's of publishing and marketing! If you find yourself as captivated as I am with this addictive site, feel free to check out the stuff that's kept me up late at night I have posted on my own boards! Happy pinning!

On December 31, 2014 that is what I named this year..."Go in the Direction of Your Dreams." As 2015 comes to an end, I've been thinking a lot about what that looks like and wondering just how true I've been to a yearly theme I chose myself. Have I honored the spirit of those words? It's funny how you think you know what your dreams are but upon closer examination, they really weren't that at all. Or maybe that just happens to me. When I was a child, I dreamed of a loving, stable home life where I felt safe, secure to be all of who I am without judgements or conditions. What I've learned is that in order to have that, I must actively participate in creating it. In fact, I must be the master craftsman of that foundation if it is ever going to hold firm.

I have always (or as long as I can remember) dreamed of living a life that matters and making a positive difference in the world. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to accomplish this, but I knew it was important for me. What I've learned is that being a positive difference in the world does not have to be grandiose. Some of the biggest changes in ourselves and others begins very small, with something as simple as learning how to keep true kindness in your heart. Sounds simple enough, but people sure don't make that easy. I am, in fact, quite amazed at how much I've allowed others the power to derail me through disappointment, or unrealistic expectations, or even by them doing things that hurt me, whether intentionally or not. Taking back my power has not been easy and I still struggle with it sometimes when it comes to something or someone that is particularly important to me, but I'm learning how to do it no matter what the circumstances. And I'm learning how to not allow my own sense of a loving nature be destroyed by pain.

I have always wanted a soulmate by my side, and it makes me smile to think I've discovered over this year that soulmates come in many forms. I have had more than one by my side the entire time, only I was too blind to SEE them. I have dreamed of "the mate" for me, only to discover this year that he'd been sleeping next to me every night and patiently waiting on his bench for me to catch up.

I dreamed of being a writer, and now that dream is in full swing. It has not turned out the way I imagined, but it is still one of the most amazing experiences I have ever been a part of. It's very strange to me how the foundation of this career I'm building is on the proverbial back of my life's narrative by way of this blog. That is a gift I wasn't expecting that still makes me pretty emotional. And even though there have been some serious disappointments along the way, they have not deterred me even a tiny bit. I can't wait to see how this career will continue to grow!

Now that I've reached the "end" (or the realization) of those dreams that have been building for a lifetime, I find myself...well, all out of dreams. At first, this depressed me greatly! But watching both of my daughters grown and beginning to chase dreams of their own is inspiring. They have shown me that the end of one set of dreams merely marks the beginning of new ones. They also remind me that when coming up with said dreams, I should get out of my own way and go as BIG as I dare! It turns out, when I do that my dare is ginormous! The tricky part is figuring out how to make them real. I am, however, less afraid of my ability to do so than at any other point in my life! While it is almost time to leave 2015 behind, there are new opportunities ahead that make me flat out excited to be alive!

So many things left undone...oh sure, the tree is up, the stockings hung, the presents are stashed in bags waiting to be wrapped and here I am stuck in my head while the time ticks down closer to "the Day". I would blame it on the rain, or the fact that we're about to have one of the warmest Christmases on record, but the truth is those things have nothing to do with my complete lack of motivation to get the rest of my Christmasing "done". I am distracted...by the fact that yesterday I went to lunch with my mother's sister to celebrate mom's birthday and learned that I have the same handwriting as my Aunt Barbara, who passed away not that long ago. I am distracted...by the fact that my little girl is almost gone. I keep thinking of the various Christmases spent when she and her sister were little. A military family does the holidays a little different than most, especially when you're often forced to celebrate things or special days on random days to work around a deployment schedule. My head is also full of childhood memories of this time of year, more so this year than ever. I remember one year when our tree arrived, I was so disappointed that it looked barely even like a tree, much less a Christmas tree. I cried when it went up, but Aunt Mattie promised me, "When we finish decorating it, I promise you it will be beautiful." She wasn't wrong. It was probably the best Christmas tree of memory from my childhood and taught me the valuable lesson of looking past the superficial to find the true "heart" of a thing (or a person).

The house is quiet, with just me and the dogs here to pass the day. The talking heads are on TV, but I couldn't tell you even ten words they've said in the last two hours. My "to do" list is glaring like some cheap, flashing motel sign and I won't be able to ignore it forever. But honestly, if I had my way, I'd slog through the holiday traffic, make a pilgrimage to the book store, come home and spend the next handful of days with my nose in a book...or five. Alas, the characters of my own book are waiting for me to finish telling their story and send them off to an editor. No more time for "wool gathering". I hope your holiday season is filled with joy. One of my most treasured gifts is all of you who share this journey with me.

Merry Christmas.

Love,
A.

It's strange to feel happy and sad at the same time. For the last few days, I've been on the verge of tears nearly every waking moment due, in part, to equal measures of both. You see, this time when my little one leaves home, she won't be coming back except to visit and while I've been prepping her for this moment nearly her entire life, she's totally ready and I am not. Apparently I forgot to prepare myself. Is that even possible? Saturday evening she'll be gone and my mind is a mess of those ramifications...not hearing her happy chatter through dinner, or her complete goofiness in the grocery store, her snuggles with me on the sofa, or her loud music (usually something in Spanish with a Latin flavoured beat) wafting down the stairs. How empty these walls will feel without her...

Have I said everything I needed to say? Told her I loved her enough? Reminded her how wonderful I think she is? As I pick through the 22 years of her life, I look for the ways I could have built her up and the times I'm pretty sure it worked. I sat on the deck with her last night before bed, listening to her run various plans by me and her father. When she was quiet for a moment, I said, "I hope you know how proud I am of you." "I do, mama. And thanks," she replied. I looked at her and repeated it, "You have done such amazing things already. You've worked hard to open doors that are opening for you now, and I mean it, I want you to know that I'm over the moon with pride at your accomplishments. I don't remember either of my parents ever saying that to me even once, and it's important, I think. I promised myself long before you were born not to make those same mistakes but besides that, I genuinely mean it." "I understand," she said, giving me a patient "Oh MOM" kind of smile. I tried to explain how strange it is to let go of your whole world, as all parents must eventually do with their progeny. But really, until she stands in the very spot I'm standing in with her own children someday, it is an attempt made in vain. She has no basis of comparison, yet. And someday, when she does, I hope she'll remember me. On Saturday, amidst a flourish of holiday celebrations, I'll have to mostly say goodbye to that little girl who was my shadow for so long. Somehow, I'll find a way to plaster a smile on my face and let her go with grace. I can fall apart after she's gone. Her dad has some pretty potent gorilla glue standing by for just such occasions and he's used to having to put me back together!

Creating a better world has been on my mind a lot lately. Since doing so is a difficult, complicated process with many parts and pieces, it's extremely overwhelming to decide where to start. I suppose, however, it's fair to say my place in doing this began the moment I became a teacher and started influencing young minds. Another layer in my part of the process is by creating a website where my voice is being heard (...averaging 3,000+ hits per week, thank you SO much to my readers).

My grandson has invigorated my desire to leave behind a better world, although my mother used to always say I had "save the world syndrome", even when I was a child. The message below comes from the perfect source...a short human with a big, brilliant mind, a compassionate heart, and charisma that can't help but be inspiring.

To all of you students out there heading off on Winter Break: Be safe, read often, and have a wonderful vacation.

To all of the teachers out there about to get a break: ....same message!

And finally, to my tiny human: Your Nana's working on it and I won't stop until it's accomplished!

Ever have one of those days where there's just so many things going on in your head it's almost impossible to actually concentrate on any one thought? That's me today (and this happens to me quite frequently). Usually when I have days like this, I need to keep a notebook handy because often I'll have about a hundred ideas flood me at once. I've gotten to that age in life where if I don't write it down as soon as I think of it, I'll never be able to get it back later. So, I walk around like a complete goofball with a notebook and pen in hand, praying I won't forget which notebook I put it in when I want the information later (which happens more than I care to admit).

Anyway, one of those Lord knows how many things in my mind, is to create another website in 2016 devoted entirely to children and including but not limited to: the best advice I can give about helping struggling young readers & writers; a list of recommended books that I've read myself with students and feedback they've given me on how they liked them (or not) and why; wordplay games children and parents can do together at home; the children's books I'm writing and any artwork for them; and finally, various silly quotes and jokes for kids to enjoy. I'll keep you posted on this upcoming project and can't wait to see you there! 

Note: I will also keep this site up and current with writing for a grown-up audience! Whew! Glad I got that out without all the other clutter in my noggin getting in the way!

I remember watching Aunt Mattie sit at our kitchen table and hand-write special notes on each Christmas card she sent every year. And when I moved away, I was added to her list. It was an exciting moment when I found the first card from her in my own mailbox and a special gift every year afterwards until the year I got her last card. One reason this was such a big deal was when Aunt Mattie was young, she got her hand caught in one of the sewing machines at work and it greatly damaged the entire hand. The bones were never set properly, so it didn't heal like it should. As she aged, arthritis set in and it was extremely painful for her to write, or use that hand at all. It also made her words very difficult to read. None of this deterred her from writing letters to friends and family who lived away, and writing out those Christmas cards every year. Anyone who really knew her understood that every stroke of every word was filled with "Mattie-love".  I never threw a single one away. Now that she's gone, I'm even happier I still have them all! Some might say, "It's just a card", but they would be mistaken. When each word causes great pain to pen on a page, if you are the lucky soul who has received such a gift, then you know part of the very essence of love.

In this crazy technology age we live in, a world of smart phones, email, etc., the handwritten Christmas card is a dying tradition. Aunt Mattie would be sad to see it go, and so am I. One thing I do enjoy about making my Christmas cards each year using technology is that I can go online and personalize them with photos that are not generic. I am very meticulous about the ones I choose, wanting them to tell the "right" visual story from our family to whomever I'm sending them to. I'm not a fan of the generic newsletter, but I always read them if they are included in the cards we receive. Mostly, what makes me happy about getting a Christmas card is this...someone took the time out of their busy lives to think of me. Maybe it was only for a moment or two, but even that is...beautiful. As I address labels for my cards this year, each name written on the envelope gives me pause as I think of things about those people that make me smile, memories of them that touch me. I lick the icky glue with enthusiasm because to me it's like sending everyone a noisy wet kiss, much like a baby would give your cheek when they're happy to see you. For me, it wouldn't be Christmas without this tradition, even as I watch it slowly fade away.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Love,
A.

I came home today, mama, and this was not what I had in mind to write...then life happened. I was looking through items on my Facebook feed, heard a song that reminded me of you ("You Should Be Here" by Cole Swindell) and when the video was done, you were all I could think about. You should be here for this amazing journey of my writing career, celebrating the big and little milestones every step of the way. You should be here for the wondrous growth of that beautiful boy who is your great-grandson. You should be here to see all the exiting things both of your granddaughters are doing now, gushing over their accomplishments and adventures with your over-the-top dramatic flair. And deep down, I know your spirit IS here...but it's not the same.

Every day I think of at least a dozen things I wish I could share with you. Sometimes I want to scream them so loud I lose my voice trying to make you hear me. And sometimes I just want to scream, period. Dad doesn't give a rat's ass what I do. Brad's parents, who would be over the moon at all of the things happening in our lives are gone, and I am reminded, especially on days like today, that no matter how old I get, sometimes I just need my mom. Your sister is all I have left in this life of you, except for my memories. She has been such a blessing to me, mama. It's good that the one person left behind who is so strongly connected to you is also the one person who knew you best. She holds out on me with some details about you, but it's okay. Sisters have a totally different bond than mother's and daughters...your granddaughters taught me that. With your birthday only eight days away, I've been thinking about how I'll celebrate it this year. It's always a difficult process because on that day your absence is the most potently felt. It doesn't put me in a very celebratory mood, but I do it anyway because it's important. I'll figure something out before then that would make you smile.

I miss you, mom...not a day goes by when I don't.

Love,

Your Daughter