The Nightmare

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The lovers stood naked in front of me kissing as if it were a fevered madness, their faces and forms familiar to me. I slowly approached them, my eyes not wanting to believe what I was seeing, but having no choice except take it all in in silent horror. They turned to me when I got close and swift as a snake's strike brought daggers to my heart and severed arteries that connect it. Blood spattered everywhere as they laughed happily and went back to their intimate embrace. I woke gasping for air, my entire body shaking. Inside my mind, I was screaming loud enough to break things. I got up and forced my legs to carry me down the stairs and into the light of the quiet kitchen where no one stood but me. I took in the space around me, allowing the comfort of well known things calm my racing mind and slow the rapid fire beat of my heart. Just a dream, I told myself over and over again as I grabbed my journal, sat at the bar and began to write.

I've been plagued by nightmares for as long as I can remember. This one was especially brutal...and triggered by events that have unfolded in my real life this week. I am sad to say for the first time in my memory, I have experienced a level of hatred so black and oily I could feel it seeping out of my body and coating my skin. It has damn near consumed me and if I'm honest I have to admit that the thought I'm even capable of such vile, viscous hatred scares the hell out of me. The people it was directed towards are not bad people at all. In fact they are two people I care for deeply (...putting it mildly). As I sit here eating granola to get the bile taste out of my mouth and attempt to vanquish the dream, I remember something my Aunt Debbie once told me. She is a retired police officer who spent many years on the job seeing the worst that humanity has to offer. She said, "Anyone is capable of anything given the right circumstances and people who don't believe that are just fooling themselves." It comforts me a little to know that. It helps even more to know that this hatred I'm feeling WILL pass...it will eventually be purged and replaced with happy things. Not today, but hopefully soon.  The fear, too, will pass and in its wake will be the knowledge that I must be much more careful in the future whom I allow to get too close to me. It is not in my nature to "hold back", but I can see now that for the sake of self-preservation it is a necessity to proceed with caution from this point forward. I never EVER want to feel such deeply destructive feelings again and will go to great lengths to avoid a repeat of this experience that has me even now shaking with its intensity.

May your weekend be full of light and joyous things and may your dreams be nothing but vibrant beauty.

Always,
A.