Riding the Wild Wave

I don't know how to feel anything in half-measures. That means when I do feel things the intensity can be seriously overwhelming! What I find so strange about that is that throughout my childhood and early adult life, I was a Master at heading any strong feelings off at the pass and shoving them down deep into some dark hole that I may or may not visit later. I did this for self-preservation and when "later" turned into years, and all those things I tucked away became this oozing, burning toxin in my body, I knew I had to deal with whatever was there or die. Clearly holding back wasn't healthy for me but now that I don't "bank" away my emotions, I'm left with a new kind of dilemma..what to do with them when their sheer magnitude becomes honestly so heavy I think it will just crush me underneath the weight of it all. The strange part is the discovery that either option for dealing with emotions, i.e. shoving them down and ignoring them, or letting them flow freely is fraught with hazards.

I don't know whether I should scream at the absolute top of my lungs, or curl up and weep and ocean of tears until my entire body lies spent and exhausted. Is there, like, a control valve somewhere that better regulates the flow or a shut-off switch that puts it on hold without poisoning and killing me in the process? I just don't know. My solution at the moment, however, is to shut down completely all external factors that create more noise than I can handle and ride the waves of what is left. Whether this strategy will work or not remains to be seen, but I'm going to give it a go and see what happens. Wish me luck!

Love,
A.