When Your Voice is Not Enough

My last day as a middle school teacher, June 2013

There are days, like today, that I feel as if I have utterly failed nearly a decade worth of students because I didn't fight harder to bring to light so many things that are horribly wrong in our public schools. I tried, dug under every rock, looked in every nook and cranny, spoke with lawyers, activists, other teachers from around the country, etc. to no avail. Finally, after beating my head against what felt like a giant brick wall, I gave up. Peace of mind and personal healing became more of a priority than being right. And while absolutely no one else seems to blame me for this, I blame me. I don't like it. At my core, giving up is NOT who I am, not what I stand for. How many times did I tell a classroom full of short humans, "When you are passionate about something, stand up for it, even if you're the only one standing." I bet I said it at least a hundred times, and yet after facing so many road blocks, what did I do? I sat down, bowed out, or as my husband would say, I took my box of crayons and went home.

Educators in the state of North Carolina have absolutely zero recourse in the fight to "fix" what is wrong with a system that is horribly wrong, i.e. our public school system. The power wielded in regards to education, especially here in a "right to work" state, lie solely with those who play the "politics game" well. They are the ones who create the climate and hold control over who or what is "in" or "out". In my time here as an educator and parent with two children going through the various school systems, I have seen many people of a political nature say one thing out loud that is a complete lie, while doing something else "behind closed doors".  One principal even cautioned me when I first started teaching here, "Be careful who you piss off. This is a 'good ol' boys' club and it will only bend so much before you are black-balled and shut completely out." He had been in education in some form or another for nearly forty years, so I trusted him at his word. Meanwhile, educator working conditions continue to deteriorate, student learning is in a complete free fall, and at nearly every level, those responsible for this big mess are not held accountable. As our children, the couriers of our future, struggle to keep up with whatever new set of standardized testing is the flavor of the month (...which, by the way, has zero credibility in regards to measuring student growth, a fact backed up by years of credible evidence), we continue to plunge down a steep, mud-crusted crevasse into pit of intellectual obscurity. What can be done to fix such a monster of a mess?

It is possible that I could devote the entire rest of my life towards answering that question and possibly helping attain the goal of making "it" right. From the research I have done up to now about the various problems with public education, of which I could fill an entire room, it is clear to me that there are so many moving parts and pieces, it's nearly impossible to decide where to start. And since I wield almost zero political "clout", the options become even more limited. Education of our youth is a subject that I'm extremely passionate about, but do I want to give it the rest of my life, make it my mission in life to change? I have read about many who have taken up the mantel of doing just that and it makes me happy to see these warriors for our youth do their thing and do it well. I have no intention of going into politics, my voice is small (although it's getting bigger all the time). This space, i.e. my writing, and the classrooms I still go into, the students I gain as I take on a lesser role...that is what "I" can do. That is what I am willing to do. Some days it does not feel like enough. It feels like an epic fail on the worst of those days. Then I watch a video like the one below and remember one of my favorite Shakespearean quotes, "Though she be little, she is fierce (--A Midsummer Night's Dream)!" Hopefully, the little bit I can do will grow into "enough". And if not, I want to say to all of my small people, many of whom are no longer small, I'm so sorry that I let you down. When YOU grow up, do better, be better. I'm cheering for you and love you to the Moon and back.