What's In Your Closet?

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Five days to go until it's time for me to leave anything and everything behind that does not add something positive to my life. I've been mentally cataloging everything for days now, deciding what absolutely has to go...relationships that cause me pain, friendships that are a lie, old hurts, grudges, or jealousies, etc., all of that shit takes up way too much space. It is inevitable while cleaning debris off my own path, my mind drifts back to my mother. What would she purge if she knew she had only ten months left to live? Would she treat people differently? How would that knowledge have changed her?

I'm sad to say I say I didn't know her well enough to accurately predict those answers. What I do know is despite the fact she was lonely and unhappy, she spent a lot of time with my girls and it filled her with joy. It showed clearly on her face. She was patient with them and very tender. Her love was evident as I watched the way she played with and spoke to them. I'm so grateful they could give her that before her time was up. It also helps me to better clarify my "list".

If tomorrow was your last day, what would matter right now? We can't live every facet of our days this way because "ordinary" things still must get done. We can, however, apply this philosophy to many aspects of our lives. Fifty, sixty, seventy hour work weeks, harsh words that put a wedge between us and someone we love, trivial "wrongs" we feel have been done to us...the list of irrelevant things is almost as long as the one filled with wondrous details that remind us we're alive and that life is finite, precious. I want to live each day with conscious intent rather than merely being dragged along in a tide of arbitrary waves. I want my words, my days, my relationships to matter. And every day I want to be fully present and invested. Pull the weeds, cull the clutter and debris and fill each hole you create with tiny little loving gems. I want my body to contain a treasure chest full of lovely things instead of a dusty old closet full of dirt and trash. And I've learned that even some pains can be beautiful when they inspire us towards something wonderful. I'm closer now than I have ever been to having a truly authentic life, free of everything that has held me down or held me back from being completely who I am and it feels fantastic! I'm also getting to know the real me, including all of those parts I'd hidden away out of fear, for the first time. It's interesting coming face to face with ALL of me...kind of like running into an old friend you haven't seen in a long time but missed terribly. I can almost hear her saying, "There you are. What took you so long to catch up?"