What the Hell is Real Love?

From fairy tales to modern-day romantic comedies with proverbial happily-ever-afters, it's no wonder we have such a high divorce rate and so many unrealistic ideals about what "true love" is supposed to look like. Today is my twenty-seventh wedding anniversary and while people congratulate me about "making it so long", they also frequently ask me, "What is your secret?" The truth is, there is no secret. Sustaining a long-term relationship of any kind with someone you love requires so much more than just the "love" part. That part is actually easy and requires zero effort. We feel what we feel. Period.

It's not about our feelings, it's about what we do with them that's the "key" to longevity. Relationships are work...all the time...no vacations...give and take...compromise and understanding, or at least making a sincere effort to understand one another. Hell, in my experience, the real love doesn't even start until the first time the "shit hits the fan"! That is when you truly see what your relationship is made of. It's easy to be in love with things are going great, but that's merely a surface kind of relationship. If, when every goes awry (and you can bet that sooner or later it absolutely will...repeatedly), the relationship crumbles to bits, then whatever you had wasn't love at all. Infatuation? Maybe. Puppy love is what Aunt Mattie used to call it because the initial encounter with an adorable puppy is fantastic, but the work involved in carrying for one...not so much!

Love, deep and long-lasting is something "we" choose with another human being...day after day, through fights and hurts and pain, as well as laughter, joy and white-hot intimacy (if it's that kind of relationship). Love says, "I see you, all of you, the good, the bad, and the ugly in you and I still choose YOU." That is a love worth nurturing, a love worth protecting and building and keeping. As for my Salty Bones man...thank you for seeing beauty in me when I feel ugly, for holding me when I feel broken, for your patience when I need it, for gently, lovingly calling me on my shit, and for never judging me, no matter what I tell you, even when you disagree. Thank you for opening doors for me (proving chivalry is NOT dead), wolf-whistling at me when I walk by, caring for me when I'm sick, and treating me like a princess, even when I don't deserve it. Most of all, thank you for showing our daughters by your living example how a man treats a woman that he cherishes. You have taught them that all men (and women) make mistakes, but the most important lesson is in how we make amends for those mistakes when we cause harm to others. And when all else fails, you've taught all three of us the magic and value to be had in a good bottle of Gorilla Glue!

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