What Does an EOG Proctor Do? Why Mediate, of Course

Today I was a Proctor for the EOG (End of Grade) test at the school where I teach reading. Basically, a Proctor's job is to help the teacher monitor testing and let me tell you this is about as exciting as watching grass grow! Since I'm still pretty itchy from my Poison Ivy, I had to find a way to pass the time besides scratch. Since my options are vastly limited, I decided to mediate. There have been a whole boatload of things going on in my head of late and mediation is always a good way for me to help calm the chaos. After taking a cursory stroll around the classroom, I came back to my desk, sat with my spine completely straight, shoulders back, palms pressed together and began to breathe deeply. About two minutes into my breathing exercise, God popped into my head. The following is most of that conversation:

God: Someone is in a snit and has been for days. Let's have it, Little On. Talk to me.
I look down at the new tattoo on my left wrist.
Me: You already know what's wrong.
God: Clearly. But I'm not sure YOU do. Let's start with the tattoo, though. See where that takes us.
I sigh and rub a fingertip over the delicate lettering on my arm.
Me: Okay. I'm upset because here it is, bold as brass, and what it represents is gone now.
God: Is it? What does it truly represent and think hard about your answer before you give it. You may lie to yourself about the answer, but you can't get away with that with me. I want you to look at it and focus on the very deepest meaning behind why you chose that symbol, that word.
I go back to rubbing the mark on my arm while concentrating on each cleansing breath of oxygen I take in, carbon dioxide I exhale, and how my lungs feel as I do this. Many answers come to mind but they only skim the surface of the deeper meaning that sits way down beneath them in the very HEART of who I am.
God: Do you have your answer?
Me: I do, I think.
God: No. Don't step into it with uncertainty or an out. Give me the real answer and then own it.
Me: At its heart, this symbol represents the part of me that is wild and free and all of the manifestations that entails. Freedom from responsibilities. Freedom from having to say no to things I really want to say yes to, even though no is the better choice. It represents the part of me that doesn't hold back...feelings, words, actions. The part of me that often people have judged harshly, labeling those desires as immoral, irresponsible, or just plain wrong. But they're not. They are wild and beautiful, even though I must frequently reign them in because I have others to consider. There are many layers of meaning behind this mark tied up in things as well as people, one in particular...
God: Stop right there. You got to the core of the mark on your arm, and that is enough. Clouding it with other things serves no useful purpose in your life. Tell me about the Marine. You are unhappy. Angry?
Me: No. And sad is a better word than unhappy.
God: Why?
Me: Because of his callous, careless words. His assholedness is showing and I don't like it when he directs it at me. It hurts. It diminishes all of the things I fought for where he was concerned.
God: And you're unhappy that he didn't fight for them as hard as you did. What you fail to admit is the fact that he didn't know how, and he doesn't have the Faith in his heart that you do. Do you blame him for that? Hold it against him?
Me: Not really, no. I love him and respect that in many ways he and I are very, very different. That is not to say that his way is right or my way is right. His way is right for HIM and mine is right for me. I want him to do what is best for him and maybe all along that never included the path we seemed to be heading for which makes me sad.
God: Do you want to walk away from your life? Brad? What you two have built together? Really want that?
Me. I would have.
God: That's not what I asked and you know it. What is Brad to you?
Me. He is my person. I can tell him anything and he won't even flinch, even if he doesn't like what I have to say. He is the best man that I know, which is not to say he is without flaws. It just means that where he finds flaws within himself, he never stops trying to correct them. When he loves someone, he does so with a conviction that I am in awe of. He doesn't have conditions attached to his love, nor does he exert judgement, even if he disapproves. Not once in three decades has he ever thrown a mistake I've made back at me to cause me pain, at least never intentionally. He certainly doesn't agree with me on everything, nor does he like the things I have done, but he respects my right to be my own person without his approval and loves me anyway. He looks at me as if I am the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Recently he said to me, "Without you, I am an empty shell. You give me purpose. You bring joy, light, and beauty to my life. Every morning when I wake up, I strive to be a better man...because of you, because of our girls. I'd go on living without you if I had to, but my existence would be empty. And I'd let you go if I knew I couldn't make you happy. I will live out the rest of my days finding ways to do that...bring as much happiness into your world that you've brought into mine."
God: Still in a snit?
Me: No, and thank you for taking time to poke around in my head. I know you're busy and have far more important things to see to than me and my junk.
God: I'm never too busy for you or your junk, Little One. You are on the path you're on for a reason, all of you. The Marine's path and yours have almost always been heading in opposing directions. Whether it continues this way remains to be seen, but neither your, nor him, nor anyone else can live in the now based on the what might be's. That's not living and you know it. Be happy for his journey and your own and be at peace with the fact that you have given your very best in all of the situations you've found yourself in, even when the outcome many not have been what you wished. That's life, a fact of which you ALSO know.

So, while the children in my class were getting their standardized test on, I was getting my brain decluttered from the Master of Zen, himself. All things considered, I think I got the better deal!

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