Weekend Conversation Under a Starry Sky

Starry Night Sky painting from etsy.com

The days slip by in a haze of southern summer humidity. It frequently crosses my mind that I am living on borrowed time now. Why? Because I'm now at the precise age when my beautiful mother slipped from this life into the next nearly twenty years ago and without warning. The below conversation took place this weekend out on my back deck in the wee hours of the morning:

My Husband: You look all serious. What are you thinking?
Me: How much my mother has missed. She would have been so over the Moon at Sarah (my youngest daughter) flying. And Lord knows she'd have been crazy about that baby Hannah (my oldest daughter) brought into this world. I don't know how many years are supposed to go by before I don't miss her like crazy. Like, is there some magic number nobody bothered to tell me?
Hubby: No, babe. You feel what you feel. I'm sure you're not the only one.
Me: Even though she drove me bonkers, I have a thousand things I want to tell her.
Hubby: So, tell her. She will hear you. I know, it's not the same. Say it anyway.
Me: It feels so weird to think that at the age I am right now, she was gone. Not another sunrise, or birthday party. She never found a place where she felt settled and I hate that she died feeling so lonely and isolated. I feel like every day I'm allowed to live, I'm getting away with something she wasn't privy to. I don't even understand what that means, but that's how it feels. I also feel so guilty if I spend even a moment taking anything for granted. Like I should be ashamed because here I am with every day stretched out in front of me filled with opportunities, and in a moment, a flash, without warning, I could be gone.
Hubby: That's true for any of us, babe. You know as well as I do, there are no guarantees. In anything!

I nod, and look to the stars for answers to questions that perhaps the human race has been asking since the dawn of our existence, only to find bright spots of twinkle that have been around long before I was born, and will sparkle on well after I am ash and dust and memory.

The world is a tumultuous place and life is so very fragile. I don't know why I'm allowed the days I am given, but I am extremely grateful. How ever many more I have before me, I fully intent to make the most of them. That is all!