Amy M. Schaefer
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From the Front Porch

I am an "accidental blogger". When I launched my writing career in March of 2014, one of the things that I decided to include was my journaling, which I have always found to be a comforting and therapeutic endeavor.  It was a big risk to open myself up in such a public forum, but it has taught me that, for the most part, we share far more experiences than we think. It's comforting to know I'm not alone!  (*the "Button Text" is the link to my first novel)
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This Ain't Your Average Fairytale

2/18/2015

12 Comments

 
PictureBeauty and the Beast, Image from deviantart.com
No, this is not some torrid tabloid-style affair, although that would have been bitchin' fun to write, and not so much to experience first hand, i.e. like a train wreck you can't look away from, but are glad you weren't sitting in THAT car. It's also not some epic surprise that would make those close to me want to hang their head in shame or freak at the revelation (*insert pause here for dramatic effect). Today's article is a love story. And it occurs to me that Love is such an inadequate four letter word, not even coming close to the sentiments it ought to convey. We paint pictures, write poetry, create songs trying to capture the essence of a word that falls flat of the nuances and depths we feel. We grasp aimlessly, endlessly to find ways that better express our messy human connections to one another. I am, however, going to try and explain the parts and pieces of the complex puzzle built inside of me, in an effort to do justice to the "story", because frankly I think it's a pretty good one.

I love the people who make up my tight inner circle, those my heart knows as my "Tribe", comprised of friends and family who fit into my world, my life in a myriad of ways. My love for them is not the "same", each person whose face I can quickly conjure to mind having their own unique mark on who I am, as well as who I'm becoming. It feels as if these people have been traveling, their soul with mine, on some plane of existence for countless millennia. My Tribe is made up of people with whom I am not afraid to be wholly myself. I don't have to wonder if they will judge me or accept me because I know when they look at me, all they see is my light (and vice versa). I know that the thread of a bond that connects us is so strong that it makes any of my flaws and/or short comings completely moot. They are my definition of Safe Harbour.

Several years ago I met a man, a former Marine, and upon that meeting my heart kinda went, "Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you" (*Note: The first four blog articles I ever wrote, from March 2014, are about that meeting, if you're interested in reading about it). He is one of those people you meet who become a defining moment on your lifeline, a before and after that marks a complete change that has occurred just in the meeting. Making him and all he loves a part of my Tribe was a bit like revealing their names that had previously been written there, just in invisible ink. I love him. It's as simple and complicated as that. Certain things about the man he is resonates with me at a frequency I didn't hear before I knew him. His presence in my life has healed old wounds that had been hemorrhaging inside me for many years. I spoke with one of my sisters not long ago, and she told me she keeps waiting for someone to come along and save her, a feeling I know well. I told her I'd learned that the someone we wait to save us, in the end, is ourselves. My Marine, however, taught me what that means. That being said, you can see how this could make for quite a complication in all of our lives. 

Every step of the way, those closely involved to this have maintained a steady, open dialogue...sometimes quite heated, but always out in the open. I share it with all of you now in such a public forum for two reasons: 1) I will not have this hidden in my life like some "dirty little secret" to be ashamed of, when the love involved on many fronts is so beautiful it absolutely takes my breath away; and 2) Never again will I apologize for how I feel or conform to ANY system that tells me what my love should look like or issue me rules in regards to how that love is directed. My mother died at the age of forty-six and in August of this year I will turn forty-six. She died alone and unhappy, buried under a mountain of pain, words gone unsaid, regrets. and so much life she never got the opportunity (or took the opportunity) to live. That will NOT be me. Every morning when I get up and put my make-up on, I say to myself, "Today we're going to love with reckless abandon, do no harm, and be true to ourselves." I remind myself of these three things because they represent the absolute core of who I am and what I believe. They are values written on my soul, as necessary to me as breathing. As for the love story, which includes all who are connected to me by bonds forged in love, may it never end, continuing to write itself long past our meager lifespans.."Till the last petal falls."

12 Comments
Marie
2/18/2015 04:00:10 am

Love all those you love!! Simple as that. We are not born with a set amount of love, it continues to be abundant in us.

Reply
Amy Marie Schaefer
2/18/2015 04:59:05 am

I don't know how to do anything else, Marie. And it makes my heart hurt to even try to pretend that I'm sorry for my feelings. The no kidding "truth" is rarely easy and never simple but it's important, even when it's HaRD! Thank you for being my sister and loving me no matter what. If I had the words to tell you how much it matters, I'd say them but I don't and it doesn't matter because I know YOU know.

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Nancy
2/18/2015 05:50:50 am

Amy - wishing you lots of love in all it's manifestations.

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titanboss
2/18/2015 07:45:27 am

Truer words have never been spoken. The people you meet in your life that can give you that certain connection a bond that will always be there. I am someone who was forced to grow up quickly because my parents were gone when I was young. It made me a more self reliant person but when you meet someone that you can relate to or even love it can be the most fulfilling feeling you will have.

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Tink
2/18/2015 09:24:31 am

Thank you! Your words speak and touch me in such an inspiring way..Your are an amazing person...

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Gunner
2/18/2015 09:42:42 am

No matter what you do in life, you need to be you. We have such a short time here. Hiding who you are or how you feel would forever keep you locked away and hidden from "life". When you are your true self and honest about who you are and how you feel, you will be free and happy. You're well on your way Angel. no turning back now.

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Amy Marie Schaefer
2/18/2015 10:02:52 am

Nancy, your support means so much to me. Thank you. <3
Titan, I can't even imagine how I'd face any of this...the good, the bad, and the ugly without those who love me unconditionally. Not everyone can do that, so I am beyond grateful for those who do.
Tink, your friendship over the years inspires ME. It is my honor to do the same in any way.

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Amy Marie Schaefer
2/18/2015 10:06:11 am

As for you, Marine, I agree with every word you said. Knowing you, loving you is and will forever be a defining moment in my life. Thank you for loving me and showing your support in such an open way. Throughout this, you have not had much of an opportunity to have YOUR say. I'm glad you're taking it now. It feels as if you're holding my hand long-distance like, squeezing tight and reminding me everything's going to be O.K. I don't want to turn back, Marine. Forward...that's the way we're going and one way or another, we're going there together. You gave me the key to my cage...I've found that I'm quite addicted to flying! Who knew?!

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Gunner
2/18/2015 10:47:17 am

Well, you wouldnt think we'd be here at this point today, after reading the raw emotion in those first few blog posts. But sometimes the worst struggle is in ourselves when we try to understand an extreme change in our way of thinking and feeling. We tend to fight for what we know. What we're comfortable with. Since i've known you, I've experienced it myself. More than once.You're not the only one set free because of this. Ive learned a hell of a lot about myself thanks to your love, your strength, your stubbornness. And i wouldnt change a thing. ... Well, maybe one

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Amy Marie Schaefer
2/18/2015 11:09:45 am

Tell me, Marine...what would you change if you could?

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Gunner
2/18/2015 11:22:32 am

I'm not sure this is the place for details on that answer Amy. But in general, I'd think less about others and more about taking happiness to fill whats left of this short life. Thats about as honest as i can be right now

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Amy Marie Schaefer
2/18/2015 11:36:17 am

I understand. Believe me, I know how difficult it is to open a vein and pour out things from deep places in such a public way. Sometimes it is truly terrifying! I am learning, however, the unbelievable freedom in just hand's down, no holding back bravery. Often my hands still shake, tears streaming down my face almost impeding my ability to write the words, but I keep going. Thank you for what you HAVE said. I know you know what it means to me, better than most.

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    About The Author

    I grew up in rural North Carolina. When I was only nineteen, I moved away and became a military wife. My only aspiration at that tender time in my life was to create an adult life that "fixed" all of the "injustices" of my childhood. Secretly, however, I wanted to reach for the sky! I wanted to be a writer and find ways to "save the world" (my mother used to say, "You have Save the World Syndrome".). Mostly, I wanted to matter.

    Since then, I have learned to reach well beyond what I ever dared to think was possible. I've learned not to allow fear to stop me from whatever future I want to create!

    What keeps me grounded? My Tribe! What provides the wind beneath my wings? A well of reserves filled with unstoppable passion!

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  • Amy M. Schaefer, Writer
  • Blog: From the Front Porch
  • Novels
  • Short Stories
    • Children's Books
  • About the Author
  • Contact
  • Photo & Art Gallery