The Past, The Present, & The Future Walk Into A Bar...

The Past: Aunt Mattie & Me, 1973

The Present: My Husband & Me, 2016

There have been so many changes in my life the past several years, sometimes it leaves me breathless, trying to catch up. Things to this point have not turned out the way I expected. I'm coming to realize I would do well to just expect that is always going to be the case, because in forty-six years that's been one constant trend. And there was a time when I felt like I needed to run from my past, or hide from it. Yeah, that doesn't work out well, either. Unpacking and living in the past isn't good, but not dealing with it is even more destructive. I have come to accept that I am the person I am today because of my past. I have also come to realize that the parts of me that always felt "ugly" were due to the fact that I hadn't dealt with whatever it was that needed tending before I could find a way to love myself in spite of my mistakes, misgivings, or misinterpretations from others that I took too much to heart.

What amazes and comforts me about these realizations is I have read many, many other stories of self-discovery from various people, many of whom are complete strangers, who have reached the same space I'm in now (or they are on various timeline points in that process). I think back to times when it felt as if I was the only one who didn't seem to have my shit together, now realizing that truly we are all just winging it. Some of us are just more vocal about it than others. Even more profound, to my mind, is how often this part of my story is parroted around the country, around the globe. You would think considering all of the things we have in common, we would be at a place where we no longer, as a people, kill one another for our differences. In a world that feels like it's spinning out of control, how is it that its people, humanity, have yet to discover our common ground? And how is it that with all of this, I still feel detached AND connected at the same time? It's an odd, odd feeling, for sure.

I don't know what the future holds, and even if I had a crystal ball to tell me, I'm not sure I'd look. The uncertainty of not knowing helps keep me sharp. It also keeps me focused on today, now, and the things I CAN control (although it still drives me bonkers to know there are many things utterly out of my control that could go horribly wrong and me with not a damn thing to do about it). Wherever this article finds you today, I hope it includes pieces of hope for what will be, joy for what is, and solace in what has been.

Always,
A.

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