The Last Breath

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What would you say with your very last breath? Perhaps you would need no words at all and merely take that breath into your lungs, exhale and be gone. Often we think there is "time", time to do all of the things on our list of things to "get to", but really the only time is the now we're living in at this very moment. A recent tragedy close to me has had me thinking about this a lot over the last two days. Two days ago, one family's life changed forever. Two days ago, one young life came to an abrupt end. This is not abnormal, in fact there were, I'm sure, many more than just that one who ceased to be on Saturday and in the days that have followed. But this one was close and that puts an exclamation mark on it for me.

We often speak in terms of forever, but the truth is nothing in this life is permanent. Very little in this life lasts long at all..I think of those I've lost, either to death or for other reasons, and wonder if I was "present" every moment I had available to me. I wonder if I said what I needed to say. And I know that soon enough, the countdown of life will run out on me. If I peel back all the layers of inconsequential things to uncover the substance of my existence, I find that I haven't devoted enough time to the absolute JOY of living. Instead, I have wasted time on worry, or anger, hurt feelings or sadness, grudges, empty promises, and disappointments. I mean, let's face it, living almost any life comes with these things naturally, but how much unnecessary time and importance do we give them? I can only speak for myself when I say that it's been far too much. 

Aunt Mattie used to tell me that when she died, she wanted to be able to hear Jesus say to her, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." I have no doubt she got her wish, as she was possibly the best person I have ever known. For me, I want my life to have mattered. I want to know that in my last breath, I can recall all of the love I gave with every fiber of my being. I want to wrap myself in the love I have received throughout the course of my life and know that it may not have been perfect, but it was always honest and full-throttle. As that song from Sons of Anarchy says, "Gotta look this world in the eye. Gotta live this life, until you die."