Something's Missing

My mental theme today has been entrenched in the word ache, or more specifically in the act itself. What makes us ache? Is it necessary for us to ache, and if so, why?

ache---v. 1. to have or suffer continuous, dull pain. 2. to feel great sympathy, pity, or the like. 3. to feel eager; yearn; long.

The first of these definitions immediately calls to mind the loss of people I love, i.e. the death of my mother, miscarrying my son, the people who've walked out of my life for various reasons, etc. The second one reminds me of our humanity, specifically how we feel when we see others suffering, in pain, or in danger. The third one sits inside of me and stretches back along my timeline. Since childhood, I have ached for protective and unconditional love. By adding the words protective and unconditional, I realize just how inadequate the term "love" is all by itself...so many meanings, applications, and connotations; not unlike the theme of the day--aching. If love comes with conditions, then it is something other than "love". As for love being protective, I catch myself thinking, "No, that's not right because I can come up with many ways in which that's not the case." Love of someone may inspire us to be protective of them, but that depends on the person and their nature, not on the depth of their love.

Perhaps what I ache for doesn't even have a name, which is strange because I can feel it, whatever it is, missing. I can feel the absence of it, even as I lack the words to accurately define it. I can also feel the pull, the drive inside of me to fill up that empty space, and great frustration in not having the faintest clue as to how I go about filling something I can't even identify or define.

I have grown very familiar with these questions and sensations, as they've frequently come at times in my life when growth needs to happen. Imagine yourself as a billion piece puzzle that you're painstakingly putting together over the course of your life. You have a section that's almost done, but you're struggling to find two or three pieces that belong in that spot.Unfortunately, all of that section is composed of varying shades of blue, so you really aren't sure, based on the picture, just what you're looking for. You are, however, eager to find them and excited about completing that part...so, you doggedly search for what will silently, perfectly slide into place and lock together the bonds of everything around that space. I will find that which is missing, that which is responsible for the ache I'm experiencing at the moment--my biggest hurdle is my utter lack of patience.

*Image from www.mediawebapps.com.

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