Solitude

Image from ipagination.com

It has taken me many years, but I've finally gotten to the place in my life where I can simply enjoy my own company, although it turns out when left on my own for long periods of time I'm pretty quiet. I know, don't laugh. It's news to me, too! These last few days we've had what teachers and students all over happily refer to as "Snow Days" (which means no work/school, well, except for my 'other' job but I don't count writer because I'm that ALL the time, even when I'm not physically writing). That has left me with a lot of time on my own. Being a military wife whose husband deployed a lot and was prone to long shifts, I am not unfamiliar with this. The difference now is, instead of being mindlessly lonely, I've found peace in the solitude. Don't get me wrong, I certainly miss that goofy man of mine who texts' me silly things off and on during the day, or just makes time to ask "Whatcha doin?" He goes out of his way to shower me with attention and silliness when he's home in the evenings, which I love and appreciate. I've discovered this week, however, that I can happily entertain myself without the alone time causing me pain. This is HUGE. Epic, even. Why is it such a big deal? Because getting here was a crazy long and arduous process.

For as long as I can remember, I've been a social creature. Part of that desire to always do things, be around people came from the desperate need to get out of my own head. Before I began this journey of writing and healing, in part, by that simple act, being trapped in my head meant sitting in some dark places with demons that caused me great pain. Staying busy kept those demons at bay, helped give me ways to hide from rather than face them. And still sometimes I spend too much time in my own head. The difference now, however, is that being there isn't such a dark and scary place anymore. Some pains are still tender if I "poke" at them, but I'm learning NOT to do that and just allow them to scab over, heal. That's new, too. Let me tell ya, I've had many years to practice poking at my pain to see if it will still bleed. You'd think I would have figured out long ago to stop it! In some matters, I am a very slow learner.

I don't know if I can pinpoint the moment where that internal switch flipped because I'd grown far enough to be content with my own company, in fact I'm not sure I even believed that was possible. Until now, I would have never considered myself the kind of person who could just "be" alone, which is ridiculous considering how much time I've spent in my adult life being that exactly. Before, it felt as if I was merely holding my proverbial breath, waiting for it to pass. Now it's like learning a new way to describe "freedom" (I hope that makes sense). Honestly, my world doesn't make a lick of sense without my Tribe, but they don't have to be physically with me for me to feel their presence in my life. So many of them influence me in ways they will never know. And God, it feels good to have them close, even if it's just tucked up close to my heart where I can feel their spirit saying to me, "We're here. Keep going, girlie."

Thanks for that. And thank you for all of you who are walking this path with me. Watch your step...ground's still a little slippery from all this snow and ice. And YES I've done fine unsupervised (although not having adult supervision much longer could be problematic)!