Amy M. Schaefer
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From the Front Porch

I am an "accidental blogger". When I launched my writing career in March of 2014, one of the things that I decided to include was my journaling, which I have always found to be a comforting and therapeutic endeavor.  It was a big risk to open myself up in such a public forum, but it has taught me that, for the most part, we share far more experiences than we think. It's comforting to know I'm not alone!  (*the "Button Text" is the link to my first novel)
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So, What Plan Are We On Today? Now & Then!

7/27/2017

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Picture
Now...
Picture
Then.
The crickets chirped their summer night-song, while the big dipper twinkled above my favorite tree in the yard. It all looked and sounded much the same as it did long ago from that front porch in Aunt Mattie's yard. In fact, if I closed my eyes and just breathed it all in, I could go back to those few but precious happy memories where the world felt uncomplicated and simple. While the setting felt familiar, though, so many things had changed. And this morning I woke full of nostalgic thoughts of the milestones from my past that have helped create this point in time in my life that I now call home. Thirty years ago today I'd just graduated from high school and was wrapping up the last minute details for my upcoming wedding in nineteen days, an image from the movie Labyrinth the guiding inspiration for what I just knew was going to be a fairy tale event. I was standing on the cusp of eighteen, my pending birthday merely a stepping stone to get me where I wanted to go...a place where I could finally get started on putting my world "right". For most of my childhood, one constant mantra at the forefront of my mind was to disappear as much as possible from my surroundings, making myself invisible so as to not be any more of a target to those predators around me until I was old enough to build a life where I actually belonged, where I was in control over my fate (figuring I couldn't do any worse than the adults who were supposed to be responsible for me), and where I could ensure my own safety. Actually, back then I pinned my hopes on the fact that the boy I was about to marry would save me...a foolish, childlike notion that I allow because at that time I was still a child. It's really strange to look back now, attempting to put myself into those long-ago shoes, and realize that for so long all I'd really wanted was to be saved. And knowing that in the end, I'd have to be the one to save myself. Seventeen-year-old me would have been terrified at this hard reality.

I remember one of the last in-depth conversations I had with my father. He said, "Things haven't gone the way I planned for me," his disgust at this evident in his voice. It has stuck with me because the more I think on it, the more absurd it becomes. I'm fairly certain I have never met another soul whose life has gone "as planned". Hell, if I had given up when that future I'd been so meticulously planning at the ripe old age of seventeen completely imploded, I would have spent most of my adult life wallowing in defeat. I am truly grateful that I learned early almost nothing is ever going to go as planned (I do believe I'm on about Plan Q at this point). In fact, most of the time you'll have to adjust that "plan" of yours at least a dozen times before you get back to a place of smooth sailing (which, of course, only lasts until the next snafu the Universe throws at you). And not only do those plans change, but we do, too (unless we're stubborn ol' mountain men who adamantly refuse).

If I could go back and whisper into the ear of that child I once was, I'd tell her, "Save yourself, little one. Don't wait for someone else to do it, and don't for one moment think you can't do it. You can. You will. Don't be afraid." I'd say this to her because it took far too long for it to sink into my stubborn brain. It wasn't until I was firmly seated in my forties that I became completely convinced of the fact that I could save myself. And somewhere along the way, I did without even realizing that's what I was doing. When I look back now, I know with utmost certainty I was the only one who could have done it. It may have been messy and somewhat convoluted, at times, but I got there!

I am days away from my forty-eighth birthday. My thirty year class reunion happens in September. And my thirty year wedding anniversary is fast approaching. I am not the woman I was when all of this adulting part of my life began. In fact, if you'd told that younger version of myself that this version of me was even possible, I would have laughed and laughed as if you had suggested we were all just a part of some alien's dream. It makes me smile to know that much of what I've accomplished would have been equally astonishing and sound impossible to my seventeen-year-old self. And yet, here I am. I don't know what's up ahead for me, but I am finally confident that whatever it is, I will adjust as needed, survive the storms, and be standing strong on the other side of this crazy thing we call life.

*On a side-note, watching this video again takes on an entirely new (and poignant) meaning for grown me. It was the inspiration for my wedding of long ago and has some pretty prophetic aspects to it on this side of thirty years.
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    About The Author

    I grew up in rural North Carolina. When I was only nineteen, I moved away and became a military wife. My only aspiration at that tender time in my life was to create an adult life that "fixed" all of the "injustices" of my childhood. Secretly, however, I wanted to reach for the sky! I wanted to be a writer and find ways to "save the world" (my mother used to say, "You have Save the World Syndrome".). Mostly, I wanted to matter.

    Since then, I have learned to reach well beyond what I ever dared to think was possible. I've learned not to allow fear to stop me from whatever future I want to create!

    What keeps me grounded? My Tribe! What provides the wind beneath my wings? A well of reserves filled with unstoppable passion!

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  • Amy M. Schaefer, Writer
  • Blog: From the Front Porch
  • Novels
  • Short Stories
    • Children's Books
  • About the Author
  • Contact
  • Photo & Art Gallery