Relationships & the People I Used to Know

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Not long ago, my husband and I got into a discussion about those we allow close to us versus those we keep at a distance. He remarked that he had many acquaintances, very few friends, and only a select number of people ever whom he's allowed close to him. He said, "Investing in relationships is work, no matter what the nature of that relationship is. I have enough trouble keeping up with the few who are closest to me and you, my dear, are a full-time job." I laughed because I know he meant this in the nicest possible way. Besides, he's not wrong. I come with a host of broken bits and pieces that keep falling off every now and again. I am OCD about a lot of things (or quirky, as I like to call it...softens the blow just a little). And in regards to an intimate relationship, spending so much time alone has made me a bit needy, although my husband vehemently disagrees with me on this. He says, "It's not wrong to crave attention. Nearly every creature on Earth does in one fashion or another." I asked him, "Does that make me high maintenance, then?" He shook his head. "Not even close. You are the kind of woman who requires 'care', tender, gentle, and consistent. You require someone strong, who will nurture you without smothering, let you fly, while providing you with a strong foundation to land on. And maybe all women need those things, but I can only speak to the one I married when we were barely children. It has taken me many years to learn how to navigate you properly, and even now, sometimes it's like stepping into a mine field. Some days I get my legs blown off." "Why would  you go to all that trouble," I wanted to know. "That's easy. Because you're worth it and you do that for me. You do that for the rest of the people you care for, and sometimes I think you invest too much."

We discussed the distinctions between family (of the blood AND chosen kind), friends, acquaintances, and people we used to know. Sometimes my mind wants to rack and stack those designations in order of importance, but most of the time I've learned this is not the case. We all serve a distinct purpose in the lives of others that we cross through the course of our lifetime, even if the encounter is brief. We give them something they need and they return the favor, which is true even if neither party realizes that's what is happening. And often those relationships change. Some of the women who used to feel as close to me as a sister have fallen away, which is absolutely okay. True sister bonds hold, no matter how much time has passed since you've seen one another. Sisters are, to my mind, those women in my life who'd never let me fall when possible and if unavoidable, would happily pick me up, brush me off and shove me back on the right path. They would come no matter when I called, and keep me close across however many miles are between us, even if we don't speak often (...I happily do the same for them). With sisters, you can tell them anything and they will never judge you, although they also won't hesitate to tell you when you've done something epically stupid! The bonds of friendship are just as special, even if the nature of the relationship is not the same. Friendships come at go throughout our lives according to the circles we travel through and the common ground we share with them over space and time. You can count on a friend, but frequently there are 'terms & conditions' (which vary depending on how long you've known each other and what setting your friendship was forged in). Acquaintances can look like friendships, especially if you share an emotional experience with them, but acquaintances have no investment in you of any kind, and vice versa. The 'terms and conditions', as well as the boundaries are much tighter controlled.

It is the final category that gives me the most problems...the people that I 'used to know' (or thought I knew). It is especially problematic if I used to be extremely close to someone, but through whatever evolution or circumstance that relationship eroded. Ironic that I'm pondering this after the book I just finished (Brotherhood in Death by J.D. Robb), because it, too, dealt with the grief of learning someone you were once close to changed into someone you don't even understand. Two people come immediately to mind as I write, one who was my "off and on" best friend and the other a woman whom I've known since Kindergarten. My "off and on" best friend had a pattern of just vanishing from my life at completely random times, only to pick up again after a year or two as if nothing odd had occurred. There was never any reason or explanation for the vanishing act and right before I got married the last time we "disconnected" was the last time we ever spoke. Mostly I think we just finally outgrew any meaning in each other's lives. For a short time it bothered me a lot, but after that it merely became an "every now and then" idle curiosity. As for the woman I've known since Kindergarten, as a child I always thought she lived a dream life...happy family, mother and father who doted on her, older brother who loved and looked out for her. I was envious of the "safe, stable, happy" life she had, would have given almost anything to have it too, but I certainly didn't begrudge it of her. She, however, thought I was the one who lived the amazing life, and told me so once years after we'd grown up. Even now this makes me shake my head, because the truth is if she'd ever gotten even a tiny clue to the hell I grew up in she'd have known what an absurd notion that was. The point is for a brief time these people occupied an important segment of time on my lifeline. Being able to just abandon them to obscurity in some memory box is difficult for me, even if a relationship with them "now" is out of the question. Every life that touching mine has left fingerprints on me and I'm not always sure what to do with that. As I sat here considering where I wanted this line of thought to end, it occurred to me that a quote I have tucked in my "All-Time Favorites" folder fits just right...

"I don't know how to be anything other than intense.
I don't know how to experience without feeling too much and thinking too much.
I don't know how to sit still and quiet my mind and just be (although I am getting better at it).
I'm always searching, always questioning, struggling to find meaning in everything.
I am passionate, and I am deep, and even if I'm misunderstood, I am finally ok with that." ~author Unknown

People and relationships matter to me and it makes no difference if those relationships are deep or happenstance, I take them seriously. It is a constant struggle, but that too is getting easier.