Love fiercely...

Time is such a precious thing and yet so often I forget its utterly priceless value. I become wrapped up in the "day to days", washing dishes, planning lessons, folding laundry, or idly staring at a TV screen, watching, not watching, whatever trash is on it while the moments and hours, days and weeks of my life-clock tick tock. How many moments have I wasted being angry, or afraid to try something I really want to do? How many blank spaces have I allowed, as my focus was elsewhere, on the inane, the mundane...a pointless meeting here, a fruitless mound of paperwork that took me hours to amass? To what end? And what does anything that I do actually mean? I have spent a lot of time over the course of my life asking myself that last question. It is one that comes up almost daily!

In the evenings I frequently sit on the back deck with my husband and fire philosophical questions across the proverbial bow of this small speck of land we call "ours" and he takes them all in stride, for the most part indulging my musings, although sometimes he will have a tidbit of his own beliefs to interject. We talk about the overall state of the United States and the current climate set by the disgusting leadership, fueled by division, hate, and lies. We talk about the broken education system of our nation, that's driven by politics and a bogus spit-shine image, with little regard to the betterment and welfare of our children. And when I've been watching way too much political news, I stew about how at least on a surface level it would seem nobody gives a shit about what is "right" (ergo a new Supreme Court Justice who lied under oath in his confirmation hearings, and a President who openly victim shamed a Professor as the butt of some twisted joke he was telling). I rant, sometimes most passionately, about our lack of care or concern for our planet (...because, you know, according to some, Global Warming is made up-OH and the Earth is flat, right?), real justice, and a seemingly total disregard for compassion. One constant in these discussions is the struggle internally I have in regards to solutions. What am I doing to make any of these things better? How am I part of the "change" I want to see? What can I do, anyway?

I am one tiny no one in a sea of over seven billion people on this planet, one small voice in a sometimes very backwoods town. I have thought of running for political office as a way to exact real change, but the thought of what doing so would turn me into makes me want to throw up. I have even contemplated selling the little I own and moving to somewhere in the world with great need for teachers, giving whatever place that was all I've got for as long as I have left. But I remember...the student I hugged yesterday, who has moved on to another grade but still seeks me out when he can, just to get a hug. I told him I was proud of him and rooting for his success. He smiled down at me, a bit embarrassed, and said, "Thanks," before heading off to class. I remember the students from my 1st Period telling me to have a great day as they exit my class, "See you at lunch" one of them calling out to me from the hall. I remember my grandbaby, that wild, adorable mess of a tiny human, asking me to make him chocolate pie and then smiling at me while he licks the plate clean after eating the piece I gave him when he'd finished his lunch. 

I'm never going to sit in the Oval Office making grand decisions for the United States (and wouldn't even consider it until it was fumigated by HAZMAT after this current POTUS departs). I'm never going to build schools in third world countries (...because let's face it, in this lifetime I'm not going to have access to Warren Buffet kind of money). One thing though that is not out of my reach, however, is to love fiercely, because "this" all ends.  And when the cacophony of crap that doesn't matter gets too loud, or makes me feel overwhelmed with its very wrongness, I can remember to have faith...even if it's just the size of a Mustard seed.