Leslie

Mom (left) & her Youngest Sister

"You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, something not everyone knows how to love." --Warsan Shire

With Mother's Day fast approaching, my mom occupies my thoughts a lot. When she died, many people told me that someday I would find closure. Oh, how I've come to loathe that word! Some people, when they leave our lives for whatever reason, leave a hole inside of us that can never be filled. We learn to live around it, things grow up that cover it, like fond memories of the one who's gone, but the empty space remains.

Mama could be a hard woman to love and even more difficult to understand, especially when I was a child. She needed constant praise and reassurances to combat her numerous insecurities and she also needed to be the center of attention in almost any situation. She was prone to serious bouts of jealousy, even of  her own child, and dealing with her required a lot of patience. When she was angry, she could be extremely cruel and she was very adept at finding a weakness in someone and exploiting it, a lesson she learned from her own mother. I was grown before I understood the reasons behind all of these things.

As an adult, I remember frequently picking the brain of Mama's youngest sister, whom she was very close to, in order to find a way to make peace with Mom.Learning about my Mom's many demons helped to heal the deep anger and resentment I felt towards her as a child. I didn't live with her very long when I was growing up, but the brief times that I did hold no fond memories for me. Thankfully, I do HAVE fond memories of her and I am learning to embrace and be joyful for some of the qualities she's given to me, such as my artistic abilities, although compared to her I have only novice skills.I have her hands and her soft skin. I also have her deep love and appreciation for a wide range of music. Wherever she is, she's smiling at my headlong spiral into a love affair with the Blues!

Mom was a talented artist and had the singing voice of an angel. She was breathtakingly beautiful and had a fire in her heart, a light in her eyes that people responded to, and a gentle way with animals. She was an amazing cook and knew how to throw a party where all of her guests felt welcome, special, and had a great time! She was also a dreamer, although she didn't have enough realist in her, or drive in the face of frustrations, to see any of those dreams come true. The few times I remember her showering me with love made me feel invincible! I miss her sparkling personality, although she'd have hated "getting old", and I still mourn all of the opportunities she will never have. She died lonely, alone and afraid and I would give almost anything to be able to have the last five minutes of her life with her so that I could tell her this:

"I forgive you, Mama, for leaving me and hurting me and making me feel afraid to shine, myself, because I didn't want to take any of the light 'away' from you. I'm sorry I was so angry at you because you didn't live up to my expectations as a child and I know now that if you love someone, really, deeply love them, then you accept all of them, and all that comes with them for as long as you live, even the things you don't like. I miss you...every single day, but I'm glad that where you are now, light and love have finally chased your demons away."

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Mom's Painting-Sailboat In The Bahamas