Know When To Fold 'Em

"Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know." --Pema Chodron

My Aunt Debbie calls herself a dream killer but I disagree. She is a realist and thank the baby Jesus some of that DNA rubbed off on me! I think I have about a 60/40 split of realist to dreamer ratio, and I believe it is okay to abandon a dream when it no longer serves its purpose.

When I was ten, I wanted to marry Batman. In my teens and early twenties, I wanted to be a police officer, partly because I so wanted to be one of Charlie's Angels (because they were the epitome of cool) and partly because I really admired Aunt Debbie, who was a police officer. In my thirties, I was determined to become a lawyer so I could fight the world's injustices. I was torn between Constitutional Law and Family Law, specializing in Child Advocacy. Becoming a teacher wasn't even on my radar. I took a detour on my road to Law School when I accepted a teaching job in Surprise, Arizona and fell in love with my students and the classroom (which I think actually happens all the time, discovering a new dream you never even thought of while working towards something completely different). I thought I'd stay on the teaching path until I was ready to retire and then, I stepped into the teaching job from hell! The only things that got me through that school year were amazing students I refused to abandon, several staff members who were very supportive, and a strong anchor with my family. Once I found myself on the wrong side of the political and philosophical bureaucratic quagmire that education in North Carolina, and perhaps nationwide has become, fighting for my teacher dream became nearly impossible. I tried, boy did I try! When that year was done, I interviewed all over in a neighboring county, while my former administration made sure I was "black-balled" from behind the scenes. I talked to two different Central Offices, attorney's, and professors at various universities about what I could do. All of them conveyed the same message, "You can't fight the system!"

In my righteous indignation, I thought, "This is America! Of course you can fight the system!" I proceeded to come up with various ways to fight--running for the school board, talking to local reporters, emailing Anderson Cooper from CNN to plead my case. I even entertained the idea of running for governor (and God bless my family for not having me committed)! Ultimately, however, I had to concede my dream of continuing to be a teacher because while I won't go so far as to say "You can't fight the system", I will say that taking on something so big and broken is messy, costly both financially and emotionally, and too much for me to do alone. Knowing when to push through all obstacles and when to walk away is a lesson I continue to learn.

I set aside my dream of joining law enforcement because I had a husband who deployed all the time and two little girls that needed me to anchor them. I abandoned my dream of going to Law School because I was unwilling to play by the "Good ol' boy" rules in order to get things done. I'm following through with my life-long dream of becoming a writer and it is amazing! I am, however, completely bummed about having to toss the dream of marrying Batman aside, although I did marry a "superhero". He wore combat boots, dog tags, and he fought every day of his military career for the rights of those of us living in America to pursue our dreams with reckless abandon.

*Image from joker_card_by_chronoperates-d4x0js9

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