Amy M. Schaefer
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From the Front Porch

I am an "accidental blogger". When I launched my writing career in March of 2014, one of the things that I decided to include was my journaling, which I have always found to be a comforting and therapeutic endeavor.  It was a big risk to open myself up in such a public forum, but it has taught me that, for the most part, we share far more experiences than we think. It's comforting to know I'm not alone!  (*the "Button Text" is the link to my first novel)
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It's Complicated

6/16/2015

3 Comments

 
Picture
My daddy as a little boy...
PictureMy daddy doing his favorite thing...
"There's just something about fathers and daughters that gets me ridiculously emotional." ~A. Schaefer

As I sat here last night on my deck beneath the sky full of stars I couldn't stop thinking about, "...doing what's right verses doing what's easy." This concept is an especially challenging one for me when it comes to people who evoke powerful emotions inside of me. My father is one of those people and for having such little contact with each other over the years, our relationship has still become extremely tangled like some wild ball of yarn a cat's strewn everywhere. I haven't spoken to him in several weeks, which annoys me greatly. He only lives eight fricken miles away. But he's too damn stubborn to call me and I dig my own heels in and take the exact same stance. He says I have a head like a rock, and he should know since he's the one who gave it to me! Damn those pesky genetics! This behavior, of course, gets us absolutely nowhere and he is running out of time.

So, I picked up my cellphone from the table and called him even though it was nearly ten o'clock. When he finally answered, I tried not to be snarky about not hearing from him but I probably was anyway. We talked awhile, mostly about topics he didn't want to discuss. I know I was pushy but all I could think of was how truly numbered our conversations were and I wasn't about to just back down. I'd rather have difficult conversations than none at all. There's no Hotline to Heaven. If there were, I'd have been phoning my mom daily since 1997!

Usually when it comes to people who aren't all that interested in having a relationship with me, I'm fine just letting it go. Hell, I've lost count of the number of people who've advised me to let THIS one go. I can't. I won't! When his time on earth is done, I will by God know I went above and beyond to eek out some semblance of a relationship with him. I will be able to look at myself in the mirror and be certain I tried my best, gave it all I had, even if it does absolutely no good. Some relationships are worth not giving up on, even if giving up would be a whole lot easier and less painful. That's now who I am, not what I do. Some people say that's being a martyr. I call bullshit! I am the kind of woman who does what I think is right, no matter how hard it is. That stubborn ol' mountain man will NOT shut me out. Considering how ill he is, I could probably take him and I'm not above testing that by tackling him to the ground and insisting that he engages with me. I won't just allow him to pull a "fade to black" on me. Period. I'm on your six old man, so be ready.

3 Comments
Michelle
6/16/2015 05:52:04 am

Amy.....OMG....yet ANOTHER thing we have in common....unbelievable that we were not from the same loins!! I have to say though that I have already come to the crossroads in my relationship with my dad that lead me in a different direction than "trying to make him like me, love me or even just want to have a conversation with me." I don't think I gave up, I just realized that some people don't deserve to be in my life. That's all....I do love him, but I don't like him. He has his own struggles that make it almost impossible for us to have any sort of relationship. He drank when I grew up, then quit drinking, found out he was manic depressive? and the alcohol masked it....now we go onto a whole new set of issues. I can't tell you how many years of my life I thought it was all my fault...no one told me any different....it was a horrible, horrific nightmare of a childhood and I can't un-see or un-feel a lot of what did happen and I KNOW my mind "hides" the rest for my own protection. Parents have NO IDEA what impact their actions at our young age have on us....all the way into adulthood...it's really sad....sigh....Happy Tuesday!! <3

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Mark
6/16/2015 07:59:24 am

Hugs both you and Michelle just because. I won't say I am a perfect dad by any mean. No one is. I adore both of my kids and have a special bond with my little girl. Seeing her grow and blossom chokes me up. Thinking of her heart being broken (which is inevitable if she puts herself out there) sends me to my knees. I am, and forever will be, wrapped around her little finger.

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Amy M. Schaefer
6/16/2015 09:04:42 am

Michelle,

Some of the things we have in common make me sad because it is not a good sorority for us to share but I can think of few people on earth I'd rather share anything with than you. You are and always will be a sister of my heart!

Mark,

Thanks for the long-distance hug. It has been an emotional ride for me today and the song I attached to this article played the entire time I was writing it. This is one of those posts where I bled all over. Thankfully, I've learned how to glue all of my pieces back on and when I'm too tired or bleu to do that, I have a whole Tribe full of people who'll bring the glue and fix me, themselves.

Sending you both MUCH love for your continued support! I hope you know just how much it matters.

Always,
A.

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    About The Author

    I grew up in rural North Carolina. When I was only nineteen, I moved away and became a military wife. My only aspiration at that tender time in my life was to create an adult life that "fixed" all of the "injustices" of my childhood. Secretly, however, I wanted to reach for the sky! I wanted to be a writer and find ways to "save the world" (my mother used to say, "You have Save the World Syndrome".). Mostly, I wanted to matter.

    Since then, I have learned to reach well beyond what I ever dared to think was possible. I've learned not to allow fear to stop me from whatever future I want to create!

    What keeps me grounded? My Tribe! What provides the wind beneath my wings? A well of reserves filled with unstoppable passion!

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  • Amy M. Schaefer, Writer
  • Blog: From the Front Porch
  • Novels
  • Short Stories
    • Children's Books
  • About the Author
  • Contact
  • Photo & Art Gallery