It's Complicated

My daddy as a little boy...

My daddy doing his favorite thing...

"There's just something about fathers and daughters that gets me ridiculously emotional." ~A. Schaefer

As I sat here last night on my deck beneath the sky full of stars I couldn't stop thinking about, "...doing what's right verses doing what's easy." This concept is an especially challenging one for me when it comes to people who evoke powerful emotions inside of me. My father is one of those people and for having such little contact with each other over the years, our relationship has still become extremely tangled like some wild ball of yarn a cat's strewn everywhere. I haven't spoken to him in several weeks, which annoys me greatly. He only lives eight fricken miles away. But he's too damn stubborn to call me and I dig my own heels in and take the exact same stance. He says I have a head like a rock, and he should know since he's the one who gave it to me! Damn those pesky genetics! This behavior, of course, gets us absolutely nowhere and he is running out of time.

So, I picked up my cellphone from the table and called him even though it was nearly ten o'clock. When he finally answered, I tried not to be snarky about not hearing from him but I probably was anyway. We talked awhile, mostly about topics he didn't want to discuss. I know I was pushy but all I could think of was how truly numbered our conversations were and I wasn't about to just back down. I'd rather have difficult conversations than none at all. There's no Hotline to Heaven. If there were, I'd have been phoning my mom daily since 1997!

Usually when it comes to people who aren't all that interested in having a relationship with me, I'm fine just letting it go. Hell, I've lost count of the number of people who've advised me to let THIS one go. I can't. I won't! When his time on earth is done, I will by God know I went above and beyond to eek out some semblance of a relationship with him. I will be able to look at myself in the mirror and be certain I tried my best, gave it all I had, even if it does absolutely no good. Some relationships are worth not giving up on, even if giving up would be a whole lot easier and less painful. That's now who I am, not what I do. Some people say that's being a martyr. I call bullshit! I am the kind of woman who does what I think is right, no matter how hard it is. That stubborn ol' mountain man will NOT shut me out. Considering how ill he is, I could probably take him and I'm not above testing that by tackling him to the ground and insisting that he engages with me. I won't just allow him to pull a "fade to black" on me. Period. I'm on your six old man, so be ready.

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