I Don't Live Anywhere--I Live Everywhere

One of my Air Force sisters recently commented on her Facebook page that she was living in a town where she felt as if she didn't belong and went on to add that she wasn't sure anymore where, exactly, she DID belong. I can relate! While I was living in the town where she is now, I also often felt like a square peg trying to shove myself into a round hole. I did find bits of places where I fit in, i.e. the wonderful school where I taught, filled with like-minded people who shared my visions for education, but for the most part, I was constantly aware of being a half-step out of "phase" with many around me. It was an uncomfortable and discombobulating feeling! Perhaps the feeling of being dislocated is a side-effect of military life. I say that because even now, living in my hometown after twenty-four years of being away, I no longer fit here, either. Prior to moving back here, I believed that if there were anyplace on Earth I'd fit, this would be it. Wrong! I am not the girl who left here so long ago, and the woman I've become doesn't know her place in this space any longer. Being uprooted and living like gypsies in places around the world changes your perspective--at least it has greatly changed mine. As a military spouse, I learned how to adapt to the places where I felt comfortable, like Arizona, and the places I didn't. Being able to adept, however, is  not the same as feeling as if you belong.

My biggest hurdle in finding where I belong is that I no longer associate "home" with a place anymore. When I think of "home" now, I think of people-- and my people are scattered all over the place. Some live here in NC, but many live "away"--several FAR away. I'm not sure if it was military life that caused that change in me, or if something inside of myself came to that conclusion sans military life, but whatever it was, I cannot undo it. And even though it makes feeling "settled" nearly impossible, I wouldn't go back. On every stop along my journey, I have met people who've become woven into who I am. I have tasted culture and ideas all over the map of this great Nation and gotten to experience America from multiple lenses, listened to many diverse viewpoints, and learned deep respect for those who don't think like me, as much as I have for like-minded people. I am learning to make peace with the real possibility that there will never be any one place where I slip into seamlessly, but that is only possible by anchoring myself to the people near and far who've become my home and provide some semblance of stability as I continue on my journey.

*Image from artfire.com.

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