Gettin' My Mad On

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It is never a good idea for me to write when I'm angry and today I'm hoppin' mad. Like, my heart is pounding, my mind is having a tirade that's bouncing off my skull, and now that I'm fuming, it seems like everything is fuel to that fire. I really, really despise when this happens. For one, it makes me feel out of control. I don't like that feeling at all. It's not liberating. It's not freeing. It clouds my judgement and makes me worry about what crap will come out of my mouth if I speak. Also, when I'm this angry, I don't know how to purge those feelings, many of them lingering long after my "mad" is over like scattered crumbs. And finally, the worst part is when my anger is so intense it makes me cry. Then I'm pissed AND feel vulnerable...not a good combination. Think cornered, feral cat!

I am not going to share the details of what created this current state of mind, mostly because when I started these blogs with a journal writing intent, I promised myself they would never become a "gotcha" kind of dialogue. Besides, it would be horribly unfair for me to present my side without the benefit of second party rebuttal (which in this case will never happen). Honestly, I'd vent here in full force if I thought it would be helpful, but instead it would involve a lot of swear words, make little sense, and tomorrow I'd regret that I laid it all out unchecked. It's funny because I can hear my own "little voice" reminding me right NOW to continue checking myself until the intensity has died down to a slow burn and my head is more clear.

I share this with you today mostly because growing up I remember the lessons taught to me about anger and expressing it were very ugly. As a child, I saw adults close to me who used anger as an excuse to cause harm and tear down anyone around them, feeling justified due to their state of mind. The lesson was that lashing out, wreaking havoc, saying mean things was completely O.K. under those circumstances...only it's not. It wasn't easy to find a way to allow myself a full-on mad without causing harm to anyone else, including the person who made me angry in the first place. Mostly it involves keeping my mouth shut until I'm ready to speak about it in a logical, rational way.

Here's hoping your day went better than mine.

Always,
A.