Ferocious & Fragile

I can be quite ferocious when it comes to some things, like defending others, especially children. I will do so fearlessly and without hesitation, but with other things, I am fragile (which annoys me to NO end)! I feel ashamed of my vulnerabilities and some would call me a "weak" person because of them. Those people who are natural predators when it comes to the way they approach life and people would see me as weak and are potentially dangerous to me and others like me. Usually this is not a problem, as like most "animals", I have fine-tuned my ability to identify these lethal threats and am pretty adept at avoiding them. It doesn't always work, though, as I've had a professor or two, random family member, occasional "friend" and a couple of bosses in my lifetime who are natural predators. When these types of people are put into a position of power over me, it has always had disastrous results. I hate the way these people make me feel. I hate their ability to render me helpless and throw me off balance. I go to great lengths to avoid putting my power into the hands of people who are not "worthy" of that gift, not trustworthy to protect me, instead using and discarding me as if I were a means to an end, or worse "trash" in their eyes (...and if you're reading this, asking yourself, "Is she talking about me?", then you already know the answer).

It's taken me a very long time and a lot of hashing out of issues created by people like this who've left various marks and stains on me, but I am learning how to use those experiences to build strength in places that were once vulnerable. I am also learning how to embrace the times when I feel vulnerable, giving myself permission to do so without seeing it as a weakness. I don't want to be hard, jaded, cynical, closing off myself from anything and everything that might hurt me, might not work out, or just may go "wrong" instead of "right". I'm learning how to love those soft, tender spaces inside of me. People who would take advantage of those? That's on them, not me. That's their weakness, their profanity on humanity, and ultimately their own cross to bear. Someday, I will forgive myself for allowing even one person the power to make me feel as if their actions were my fault. Until then, I will remind myself of something my husband tells me all the time, "Baby, we can't all be Jesus!" I am imperfect, flawed, human. This is a difficult thing for my Type A personality to accept, made even more so when I disappoint myself, not living up to my own expectations. All of this, however, does make me very much like everyone else, who are struggling in one way or another, similar to my own battles. That makes me feel more connected, less alone and gives me comfort. It also gives me hope that I will get there, even if I'm often unsure of where "there" is exactly! Guess I'll know it when I arrive!

*Images @ suggestsoft.com (lion) and smscs.com (kitten).

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