Determination Trumps Frustration

Driving home from work in the afternoons is usually a meditative time for me. I process my mornings with the short humans and contemplate what I want to write about when I get home. At the moment, the top thing occupying my "spare" thoughts is this Praxis exam I'm taking on 4 May (...and actually there will be two test sessions, one for General Curriculum and the other, a Mathematics Exam). I'm dragging my feet. I'm not proud of it, but whenever I think about it, my mind goes to thoughts of, "This isn't a fair determination of whether or not I'll be a good Elementary Teacher" or "Why is it our Legislators enforce hoops for people to jump through that they, themselves, can't or won't do". These lines of thinking are counter-productive and a waste of time, but they come anyway.

Today, when all of these "excuses" started to creep in, I forced myself to look past them. What is the REAL issue? I listened to random tunes on the radio as I played that question over and over. When the answer finally came, it was surprising. The real issue is, this whole exam thing is going to be half full of things that generally don't come easy or naturally for me. I'm used to being an exceptional student, my skills and abilities completely competent and above reproach. That is not the case, however, for every subject. I don't like it. I want it to be easy. All of it! And when it's not, making excuses for myself as to why I'm not going to do it is much easier than just accepting the fact that it's going to be a challenge. Now I'm not afraid of life's challenges. I have, in fact, tackled many things over the years and stuck with them until I conquered whatever it was in my way. And sometimes, I take on things just because they ARE challenging.

I remember when I was starting out Junior High. My Aunt Mattie insisted I take an instrument so I could learn  how to read music. She believed this was a handy skill to have, and since she was my hero, I went happily along with it. As it was discussed, what instrument I would play, one of her sisters looked at the list of options and made a comment, "Well, she won't be taking violin. That's too difficult and she's not smart enough for that." My young mind immediately went, "Challenge accepted," and I declared that violin was the instrument I wished to take. This sparked a huge discussion, my grandmother agreeing that violin was an unwise choice, but I would not be moved. Over the summer, she reluctantly bought me a violin, and when school started, I took lessons from the teacher there as an elective. For two years I studied and practiced, dedicating myself to sufficient mastery of something I'd been told was beyond my reach. At the final concert of the school year my second year, I received a reward for my efforts, and considerable praise from my teacher. The third year, I quit, having fulfilled my own idea of what degree of mastery would be an acceptable "Up Yours" to my Aunt who believed I would fail. I still have the violin sitting in its case next to the piano (...the instrument my daughters both wanted to play, as we carried out Aunt Mattie's tradition) in my living room. It serves as a quiet reminder that nobody gets to decide what I can or can't do, ability wise, and that nothing is "too big or too difficult" for me if I really put my mind to it. And on a side note, this is not just a "me" thing, this truth is applicable to everyone!

So, play that violin...publish that book...tackle the whole world with the dogged determination it takes to make each and every dream you have come true.