Day Twenty-Three: The Square Peg

"Eventually, everything connects." ~author Unknown

While I was working this morning on the pirate book, I got the opportunity to speak with a friend I haven't had contact with for many years. In fact, the only "me" he knew before today was that broken little girl I was when we were children. I remember him as a handsome, shy, sweet boy whom I've discovered has grown into a wise, kind man (that handsome part stuck). At one point in our conversation he asked me how long I'd been home. I told him I'd been back two years and wasn't sure I fit in here anymore. He asked me if I had to "fit" in order to be happy, and I can't even tell you the huge impact this question has had on me. I'm still wearing the smile it put on my face.

Ya know, this is exactly how that whole "angels watching over us" thing works, because he had no idea the context of my life at the moment that makes his question utter perfection. Not once in forty-five years has trying to "fit" ever made me happy. In fact, the rare times I've done it, I was miserable and looked exactly like that picture up top...parts of me broken off for my efforts. Yesterday another insightful friend suggested to me, "You're trying too hard, babe." These two things put together are exactly the "answers" to questions I've been asking myself for a LONG time converging together from two separate conversations at exactly the "right" time (Oprah calls these "a-ha moments").

I am, have always been the square peg. From the moment I got here two years ago, I've been trying to shove myself into countless round holes all over my hometown with ridiculously frustrating results. I like being a square peg and fit great in puzzles full of people who feel the same. I hate the round holes and nothing about trying to shove myself into them makes me happy. This is one fact that "little me" and "big me" share. But when I was little, I felt I had to try and do it in order for people to love me, find me worthy. I felt as if I had to force myself to conform to the ideals and notions that create the shape of those round holes. "Big me" is at my most happy in the freedom of being a square peg and embracing the differences it entails. Sometimes I falter, stumbling over those old insecurities about what or whom society expects me to be, but most days I relish my utter squareness. To those angels who continue to whisper in my ear and remind me of who I really am, thank you! Today I am happy that those angels keep putting pretty feathers into my own wings.

*Images from architart.blogspot.com (red peg) & romanticfae.diviantart.com (wings).

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