Day Thirty: Mama Motivation

My mother could be the Queen of Lazy Indifference, especially when she was in a funk (and frequently, she was). She's been on my mind a lot today. I woke up this morning to grey skies, damp air, and a chill that reminds me it is clearly December. It was tempting to stay snuggled and warm in my bed and just let Tuesday pass me by. Nobody would notice and the dog certainly would have been on board with this plan, as he sleeps most of his days away already. While I kept my eyes closed tight, debating on what to do, I could see my Mama's beautiful face, a mask of sad detachment from a life she was unhappy living. I wonder if she'd have felt the same if she'd been aware of just what little time she had left. Perhaps it wouldn't have mattered and she'd have remained locked in that self-imposed prison reel that was forty-seven years of her life. Sometimes I will see a picture of myself so strikingly like her own face staring back at me that I'm hyper-aware her fate, her footsteps could have easily been mine. This thought sparks me to action. I get up, make the bed, put myself together, and plan out a productive day that I will show up for, despite the siren's whisper of a nap that still lingers.

While putting on mascara, I remember this exchange from one of my all-time favorite book series Harry Potter. In it, Harry is talking with his Godfather about his fears for the future and what he's becoming:

Harry: "...this connection between me and Voldemort, what if the reason for it is that I am becoming more like him? I just feel so angry...all the time. And what if after everything I've been through, something's gone wrong inside of me? What if I'm becoming bad?"

Godfather: "I want you to listen to me very carefully, Harry. You're not a bad person. You're a very good person who bad things happen to. You understand? The world isn't split into good people and bad people. We've all got light and darkness. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are."

These words resonate with me because many times over the years I have wondered if the same things that had gone wrong with my mother had been passed down to me. I could have easily ended up just like her, but I didn't. I could go back to bed today, but I won't. I choose...to follow my own path, to be someone above the bad things that have happened to me (...and the ones I'm sure will come in the future), and to show up for Tuesday (...and every other day I am fortunate enough to wake up). So, here I am Tuesday! Let's do this!

*Images from mediabistro.com (Tuesday) & awakeningfromduality.com (dark & the light).

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