Day Four: Stand the Wall

"The people who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused." ~Alan Cohen

Yesterday I was talking with a friend I've known many years and our conversation stirred up one of the worst memories of my childhood. When I say that memory was stirred, I mean that my mind instantly brought forth every detail of that moment in time, from the smells and sounds, to the panicked feelings, the fear tasting like bile in my mouth as I attempted to choke it back down. I sat in that dazed state, feeling vulnerable all over again and quietly attempting to talk myself off the ledge, reminding myself those events were long past and couldn't hurt me anymore (although obviously they do), when my phone buzzed with a text from my husband.

Brad: Whatcha doin?
Me: Working on Mattie's book and talking to Benjie. I'm trying really hard not to cry because I have to go to class soon.
Brad: I'm so sorry I'm not there to hold you.
Me: It's ok. I'll be O.K.
Me: It just makes me mad that I'm not done with this crap. That man is dead. He can't hurt me anymore and yet it still leaves me like this. Dammit!
Brad: If he wasn't dead, I'd gladly shoot him.
Me: Why am I not over this?
Brad: It's okay that you're not. It doesn't matter why. I love you and I'll stand the wall with you until you are. I have the wall covered.

Later in the evening, when we finally got to see one another, he met me at the door and hugged me for a long time because he knew I needed it. We didn't speak of it again, because the storm had passed. Today (and every day), I am happy for all who stand the wall without ceasing, ready to protect and defend those they love at a moment's notice, including Benjie, who jumped up to defend me on that fateful day that still gives me near panic attacks all these years later. I am happy for all who love me, through the highs and lows and don't give up on me, even when I'm ready to give up on myself. People like this not only make me happy, but also extremely grateful. I sincerely hope I do the same for others, as I know well the value of such a priceless gift.

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