Amy M. Schaefer
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From the Front Porch

I am an "accidental blogger". When I launched my writing career in March of 2014, one of the things that I decided to include was my journaling, which I have always found to be a comforting and therapeutic endeavor.  It was a big risk to open myself up in such a public forum, but it has taught me that, for the most part, we share far more experiences than we think. It's comforting to know I'm not alone!  (*the "Button Text" is the link to my first novel)
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Day Four: Stand the Wall

11/6/2014

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"The people who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused." ~Alan Cohen

Yesterday I was talking with a friend I've known many years and our conversation stirred up one of the worst memories of my childhood. When I say that memory was stirred, I mean that my mind instantly brought forth every detail of that moment in time, from the smells and sounds, to the panicked feelings, the fear tasting like bile in my mouth as I attempted to choke it back down. I sat in that dazed state, feeling vulnerable all over again and quietly attempting to talk myself off the ledge, reminding myself those events were long past and couldn't hurt me anymore (although obviously they do), when my phone buzzed with a text from my husband.

Brad: Whatcha doin?
Me: Working on Mattie's book and talking to Benjie. I'm trying really hard not to cry because I have to go to class soon.
Brad: I'm so sorry I'm not there to hold you.
Me: It's ok. I'll be O.K.
Me: It just makes me mad that I'm not done with this crap. That man is dead. He can't hurt me anymore and yet it still leaves me like this. Dammit!
Brad: If he wasn't dead, I'd gladly shoot him.
Me: Why am I not over this?
Brad: It's okay that you're not. It doesn't matter why. I love you and I'll stand the wall with you until you are. I have the wall covered.

Later in the evening, when we finally got to see one another, he met me at the door and hugged me for a long time because he knew I needed it. We didn't speak of it again, because the storm had passed. Today (and every day), I am happy for all who stand the wall without ceasing, ready to protect and defend those they love at a moment's notice, including Benjie, who jumped up to defend me on that fateful day that still gives me near panic attacks all these years later. I am happy for all who love me, through the highs and lows and don't give up on me, even when I'm ready to give up on myself. People like this not only make me happy, but also extremely grateful. I sincerely hope I do the same for others, as I know well the value of such a priceless gift.



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    About The Author

    I grew up in rural North Carolina. When I was only nineteen, I moved away and became a military wife. My only aspiration at that tender time in my life was to create an adult life that "fixed" all of the "injustices" of my childhood. Secretly, however, I wanted to reach for the sky! I wanted to be a writer and find ways to "save the world" (my mother used to say, "You have Save the World Syndrome".). Mostly, I wanted to matter.

    Since then, I have learned to reach well beyond what I ever dared to think was possible. I've learned not to allow fear to stop me from whatever future I want to create!

    What keeps me grounded? My Tribe! What provides the wind beneath my wings? A well of reserves filled with unstoppable passion!

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  • Amy M. Schaefer, Writer
  • Blog: From the Front Porch
  • Novels
  • Short Stories
    • Children's Books
  • About the Author
  • Contact
  • Photo & Art Gallery