Amy M. Schaefer
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From the Front Porch

I am an "accidental blogger". When I launched my writing career in March of 2014, one of the things that I decided to include was my journaling, which I have always found to be a comforting and therapeutic endeavor.  It was a big risk to open myself up in such a public forum, but it has taught me that, for the most part, we share far more experiences than we think. It's comforting to know I'm not alone!  (*the "Button Text" is the link to my first novel)
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Curtain Call

10/28/2015

2 Comments

 
Picture
Taken outside my house 28 October 2015
As I drove home today it was impossible not to be in awe of autumn's final act. It's like the trees burst into vibrant flames before they are stripped bare and left to nothingness in the cold winter months. I thought about life and the seasons we live, if we're fortunate, wondering if my mother was afraid in her final moments. I wondered if prior to her last breath she thought, "Well this didn't go as planned at all!" I swear I could hear her in my mind chuckling. It felt as if she whispered, "It didn't hurt, baby. I came to a place where people I love were already waiting for me and knew that those I left behind would be along shortly." It has taken me many years to be able to have these kinds of thoughts without the blinding pain that used to accompany them and I can't tell  you how grateful I am for that.

Some might say the direction of my musings is maudlin and sad. I think, however, that we don't weep for the leaves strewn around on the ground, or the trees that will spend the next months naked. We know that every facet of life has seasons, cycles and that no living thing is immune to them. For the most part, they are as beautiful as those wildly colourful leaves, although I can't say I intend to grow "old" gracefully. If I get to grow old, I'm going to do it in a manner that would make autumn proud...vibrant and boisterous. I'm going to make my own curtain call something to remember well into the cold, heavy snows of winter, but hopefully not for quite awhile.
2 Comments
Tracie
10/28/2015 05:41:42 pm

Amy, my mom and I spoke just today about life and her impending death from congestive heart failure. She told me that she's content, that she's lived a full happy life. As I sat listening to her talk I realized that she is in fact at peace.
She has raised 4 children, burying one when he passed away at 37 from a heart attack, she watched helplessly as her oldest daughter (me) struggled to survive on a vent. She has buried her own parents, a husband and younger brothers and a sister.
Mom had a loving upbringing, having been raised in a home full of love. Six brothers and a sister tormented her through adulthood!
She struggled to find love and the deep happiness that comes with it and when she finally found it, she lost it way too soon.
Her one regret? It's odd that I asked her that question because I have never been her favorite and when she replied "watching you have children of your own" I finally broke. I miscarried six times and always wanted children. For her only regret to be my greatest regret moved me immeasurably.
I asked if she was afraid of dying, her response was an emphatic "NO!" She says she is tired and wants only to rest. We aren't getting religious but she believes there is a *heaven*. She believes that she will once again be with my stepfather, Jack, my brother, Michael, her own parents and brothers and sister. She looks forward to seeing them once again.
As I watch her in the *winter* on her life, I know I can't fathom a world without her in it yet I also know I cannot fathom a world where she suffers.
She has lived as she sees fit, doing as she pleases and while she may not be going out with a *bang* she is going on her own terms. I can only hope to follow in her footsteps.

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Amy Marie Schaefer
10/30/2015 11:30:29 am

Tracie,

Thank you for sharing her story! So many times since I brought my writing into a full-time career, I have seen how there is POWER in the sharing. There is also this sense of connectedness that I'd never felt before and it is quite magical. I'm glad you feel safe sharing her story and your part in it here.

Love,
A.

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    About The Author

    I grew up in rural North Carolina. When I was only nineteen, I moved away and became a military wife. My only aspiration at that tender time in my life was to create an adult life that "fixed" all of the "injustices" of my childhood. Secretly, however, I wanted to reach for the sky! I wanted to be a writer and find ways to "save the world" (my mother used to say, "You have Save the World Syndrome".). Mostly, I wanted to matter.

    Since then, I have learned to reach well beyond what I ever dared to think was possible. I've learned not to allow fear to stop me from whatever future I want to create!

    What keeps me grounded? My Tribe! What provides the wind beneath my wings? A well of reserves filled with unstoppable passion!

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  • Amy M. Schaefer, Writer
  • Blog: From the Front Porch
  • Novels
  • Short Stories
    • Children's Books
  • About the Author
  • Contact
  • Photo & Art Gallery