Blank Pages

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I stared down at the empty page of a letter I wanted to write to my daughter who is currently going through Officer Candidate School. I didn't know what to say. There are no words left unspoken between us, and she is one of the rare gems in my life who needs few words from me anyway. She knows what is in my heart. She sees what's in my eyes. And it seemed silly to write, "Come home!" I wanted to tell her that what I really need is for someone to figure out how to turn back that damned clock and give me more time with the tiny Freckles, who snuggled in my lap during story time and thought I hung the moon just for her. Logical me knows that's impossible but the mama in me screams, "It wasn't enough time. I didn't get to savor all those fleeting moments and now they are gone."

She's only been away for a couple of weeks, but I slog through mundane events that have happened since she left in order to fill the empty page. I remind her that her big carpet of a dog whines for her at night sometimes and that we are all so proud of her. I want to ask if strangers are yelling at her from morning to night, but merely thinking it makes me angry and ferociously protective, which is silly too, but doesn't stop me from feeling it. I fill the page with inconsequential things knowing that the most important part is the fact that I have reached out to touch her from so many miles away. I hope it will be enough.

It occurs to me that our lives are full of blank pages...days, weeks, months just waiting for us to write our story on them. There was a time, not too long ago, where her story and mine were writing themselves together. Now she's moved on to a book of her own and I go back to writing mine alone. Perhaps that was always the case, our pages merely overlapping for a brief moment. I don't know how my story or the ones each of my daughters is writing for themselves will go. Sometimes the fear of that is like a fist choking me with panic. I've named this year "Fearless", and am determined to keep within the spirit of that frightening prospect of tackling anything, everything up ahead with that kind of gusty. That being said no matter what's up ahead, I will face it, bite back any fears, and make the most of my story. I hope my girls will do the same!