Amy M. Schaefer
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From the Front Porch

I am an "accidental blogger". When I launched my writing career in March of 2014, one of the things that I decided to include was my journaling, which I have always found to be a comforting and therapeutic endeavor.  It was a big risk to open myself up in such a public forum, but it has taught me that, for the most part, we share far more experiences than we think. It's comforting to know I'm not alone!  (*the "Button Text" is the link to my first novel)
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Bedtime Blues

7/28/2015

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I'm not good at sleeping by myself. I frequently have nightmares, wrestle with bouts of major insomnia, and generally feel anxious when I'm trying to fall asleep alone. Part of the problem is childhood traumas that still haunt me, make me fearful of going to sleep and being utterly vulnerable. If I'm forced to sleep alone, I have to make a nest of pillows around me so that I get some semblance of my "back" being protected. When my husband is in bed with me, I have to have his back against me in order to relax enough to fall asleep. It's pretty silly, really, to carry such a thing around for so long but I know it will be one of the most difficult things to purge from year forty-five. Those fears go very, very deep and unlike with other things I can't just psyche myself out because that would require too much focused concentration, ergo leading to those insomnia issues.

Back when my  husband would go on long deployments, I spent days, weeks, months extremely sleep-deprived. I knew I was the one solely responsible for keeping our girls safe while he was gone and I was by God not going to fail at that task. I would often worry something would happen in the middle of the night, they would need me, and I wouldn't wake up in time to be there...so, I stayed awake. I'd nap sometimes when they were at school, but at night I'd rarely sleep and almost never for an entire night. When they were toddlers, I'd check on them every couple of hours and sometimes just stand at their door watching them sleep, reminding myself they were safe.

How do you cure a fear that feels like it's encoded into your brain? How do you assure yourself that it's okay to just let go and trust that nothing bad will happen during the night while you are completely unaware? Those are questions I continue to grapple with. As for tonight, I will just exhaust myself until I'm too tired to notice as much that the bed, the room, the night feels empty. If that fails, C-Span is pretty good at chasing away the bedtime blues...and boring me into a coma!
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    About The Author

    I grew up in rural North Carolina. When I was only nineteen, I moved away and became a military wife. My only aspiration at that tender time in my life was to create an adult life that "fixed" all of the "injustices" of my childhood. Secretly, however, I wanted to reach for the sky! I wanted to be a writer and find ways to "save the world" (my mother used to say, "You have Save the World Syndrome".). Mostly, I wanted to matter.

    Since then, I have learned to reach well beyond what I ever dared to think was possible. I've learned not to allow fear to stop me from whatever future I want to create!

    What keeps me grounded? My Tribe! What provides the wind beneath my wings? A well of reserves filled with unstoppable passion!

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  • Amy M. Schaefer, Writer
  • Blog: From the Front Porch
  • Novels
  • Short Stories
    • Children's Books
  • About the Author
  • Contact
  • Photo & Art Gallery