 “You can't fly if your wings are holding the baggage of yesterday. Let go. Fly.” ― Steve Maraboli My bag is packed. Seeing it sitting there ready to go reminds me of how much you loved to travel. I think of you moving far away from home after you were married, an experience we shared, and how many new destinations you added to your adventure of a life. I'm pretty sure you never looked back. I'm afraid to fly, Mama. It makes me very uncomfortable putting my life in the hands of a stranger, although tomorrow I promise I will get on that plane fearlessly! I was nervous when you took me on my first cruise, too--all that ocean around and under me, full of unknown things. You said to me, "Sweetheart, it's okay to be afraid of things that are new. Lots of people are. Just don't let your fears get in the way. Use them to be mindful, but not to stop you." We had that conversation many times over the years about a variety of topics, i.e. marriage, love, parenting, military life, going to college, etc. You and I would play the, "What's the worst thing that could happen" game, and almost always came to the conclusion that even if the worst did, in fact, happen, all would not be lost. It was a great strategy and I have conquered many of my fears using it. This is our final trip together. I thought I was ready for it, but I'm not. I don't know how to say goodbye. Your ashes have been here with me, sitting on the piano and I didn't realize how much comfort I felt just having them close. Tomorrow, they will be tucked safely inside Brad's "Go-Bag", while we make our way to your childhood home. I wish we'd made this trip when you were alive and could show me new things in a place I've never been, show them to me through your eyes, so that they could stick in my heart the way they lived in yours. I wish I'd recorded your childhood stories, so I could hear you tell them over and over again, like the one about when you and your friends would put bathing suits on and lay out to tan on top of the pig shed in the summertime. That one still makes me smile, and I can clearly picture teen-you with your girlfriends up there scandalizing the hogs by giving them quite a show. The opportunity to do those things with you, however, has passed. It makes me even more grateful that we took advantage of many other chances to do fun things together and share our stories, weaving them together into a bond between us that will last the rest of my life. I will hold tight to the things we got to do, like a child clinging to a security blanket, and let go of the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" baggage, leaving it behind on some fluffy cloud over southern skies. 
Mom & Dad's First Cruise--July 1972
2 Comments
Michelle
7/24/2014 03:10:23 am
Amy.....I had to do this very same thing a year ago this past May with DeWayne's mom. I was not as close to her as you were with your mom in law....but she was always there when I needed advice, needed to talk to someone that would give me a pep talk like a normal mom or dad would ( if they weren't such assholes, but that's beside the point, for now)...She was very southern, spoke with a sweet drawl that could not be duplicated. She said things like "over yonder", "youngin's", "supper" just to name a few and she'd fry every meal in some sort of grease and slam down sweet tea like she's never get another glass. She died VERY suddenly....I was not going to go to the funeral with DeWayne as we were anxiously awaiting the birth of Ryder and I wouldn't leave Mike alone to deal with that on his own.....but when DeWayne got there, he called me and I could hear in his voice that he needed me to be there with him...so off I went. It was a Tuesday when we ( I took Ashley with me) flew in....time with family that I hadn't seen in so many years I lost count...it was a very comforting feeling to be there, even thought the circumstances were not the happiest. Her funeral was on Wednesday and DeWayne's male cousin sang a hymn that made me fall to my knees. We said our goodbyes and off we went, back to Birmingham to hop a plane home. I was so happy that I was there to stand by DeWayne's side..at yet another major thing to happen in his life. Ryder was born that Monday...and I got to be in the room when he was born...I will never forget the day I watched my son become a father....OMG....tears are streaming down my face. Having shared all of this with you....that is TOTALLY OFF TRACK.....makes my heart hurt for you....death is never easy and I am saying extra prayers for you and your family. God bless you all and I wish you safe travels...I, too, hate to fly!!!! <3
Amy M. Schaefer
7/24/2014 03:49:28 am
Michelle, Leave a Reply. |
About The Author
I grew up in rural North Carolina. When I was only nineteen, I moved away and became a military wife. My only aspiration at that tender time in my life was to create an adult life that "fixed" all of the "injustices" of my childhood. Secretly, however, I wanted to reach for the sky! I wanted to be a writer and find ways to "save the world" (my mother used to say, "You have Save the World Syndrome".). Mostly, I wanted to matter. Archives
November 2018
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