 "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So, throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."--Mark Twain
My entire childhood, my biggest dream was to put "right" all the things I felt were wrong in my little life. I wanted to grow up, marry a man who would find me worthy of loving, and have babies, giving them a home where they felt safe and loved every day. I wanted them to never know a day of fear that I looked at them and saw them lacking in some way or that I didn't want them. It was a hunger deep inside me to re-set a course that had veered way off track. I found an old journal written by twenty-two year old me right before and just after I found out I was pregnant with my first child. In it, I wrote the following entries: Feb. 21, 1992 Today is my husband's birthday. I bought him a card and later we're going over to our friends' house for steak and homemade birthday cake. He is going to be twenty-four. The thing I want to give him the most is a baby. Maybe then he will see me and want to be with me. I hope these fertility pills work. March 1, 1992 Well, we're going to have a baby! It's growing inside of me right now. I still find it hard to believe...I have prayed for this day for four years. Now I don't have to wait another day because I'm finally and completely pregnant. Aug. 5, 1992 (the day after my twenty-third birthday) It's been too long since I wrote in this book. There are many blank pages waiting for my love and attention. I guess the most important thing I want to write about for now is the birth of this baby I'm carrying. I feel him/her moving inside of me every day and I watch him/her grow healthy and strong. I have loved this baby since before he/she was ever conceived, when his/her little soul was still in Heaven with God. I feel very special that God has trusted me and Brad with this wonderful gift. It's really strange how life changes in an instant when you know you're going to be a parent. I feel bonded to life, a part of creation. I feel like maybe I'm special. It has taken me the better part of two decades to realize that it doesn't matter at all if I'm special. All that really matters is that I leave behind something special when my time on Earth is done. I've done that already and know that's true every time I see those wondrous, kind, sweet, intelligent girls who walk around shining their light on this world and carrying half of my DNA. I know I've done that every time I've helped a child fall in love with reading or taught them how to do something they didn't think they could do. To my girls and my students, I say, "You are the closest to magic I will ever come." and to my twenty-two year old self, I say, "The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away."--Pablo Picasso...As for my forty-four year old self...I am now a ship sailing towards the horizon with the wind in my sails and the stars above to guide me.
2 Comments
Michelle Paramore
4/10/2014 12:58:06 am
I find myself waiting to see your entries. I have read many books, novels, weekly readings but it is soooo much better actually knowing the person writing. The part that caught my attention in this post is "Maybe then he will see me and want to be with me". That makes my heart hurt. Even if that was not the feeling of those words at the time, it made me re read it three times. I'm sad that your younger self had these thoughts. I guess that is all I have to say about that, dumb as it may sound. Have a Happy Thursday Amy. The more I read, the more I see how very similar we are. <3
Amy M. Schaefer
4/10/2014 08:30:26 am
Michelle, first let me say that nothing you've posted sounds dumb at all! You are a warm, intelligent, beautiful lady and I respect your feedback tremendously! Most of the feedback I've gotten about the blogs over the last two weeks has been amazing! But a very few have suggested, "Why would you air your dirty laundry in front of the whole world? It's embarrassing and makes some people uncomfortable." I would say to that, what I've spoken of so far isn't MY dirty laundry. That belongs to those who have caused me (and others) harm over the years. And it should make people uncomfortable. If just reading it bothers people, imagine how carrying it around feels! I decided to do a blog for two reasons. One, I've been carrying around these burdens nearly my entire life and I've gotta say, I'm pretty tired of lugging them around. This is my way of purging them and taking back my power. Second, if my experiences resonate with even one other person who reads them and helps THEM to heal, then opening myself up to the whole world was worth it! I am happy and sad that they resonate with you. Happy, because it makes me feel even closer to you than before but sad because no one should have to feel some of the horrible things you and I (and a lot of other people even if they suffer in silence) have experienced. I'm really glad you're coming along this amazing ride with me! I love you very much! Always, Amy Leave a Reply. |
About The Author
I grew up in rural North Carolina. When I was only nineteen, I moved away and became a military wife. My only aspiration at that tender time in my life was to create an adult life that "fixed" all of the "injustices" of my childhood. Secretly, however, I wanted to reach for the sky! I wanted to be a writer and find ways to "save the world" (my mother used to say, "You have Save the World Syndrome".). Mostly, I wanted to matter. Archives
December 2017
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