A Silent Reminder

The well worn, navy blue work coat hangs on the back of my kitchen chair. It's covered in random burn holes from when my father wore it while he was on a job welding and it still has the faint whiff of his cigarette smoke. This coat has been either on my person or on that chair since the day my father died, and while it is worth almost nothing, from a numbers standpoint, you'd literally only take it from me if you pried it from my cold, dead hands. As I was going about the business of cleaning my house yesterday in preparation for my summer break, Type A me whispered, "Wash the coat and put it away." Philosophical me, however, was having none of that. "Let me stop you right there. The coat stays," she insisted, so I cleaned around it. Why do I need it there? I played this question over and over in my mind as I vacuumed up enough dog hair to build a fourth dog, wiped down tables and shelves, eliminating dust bunnies everywhere in an attempt to put my home in "order". The endeavor amuses me in light of the fact that my mind, my life, my world from a surface standpoint often seem to be very much in order, unless you know me well and know to look deep, dig deeper. What you will frequently find is complete chaos. At any given moment, my head is abuzz with my worries, doubts, dreams, a thousand random thoughts of no consequence at all, and my pain.

I am fairly certain this is a much more common phenomenon than most people might think. I've lost count of the number of people over the years whom I've known well and appear from the outside to flat out have their act together, while on the inside are going through numerous things you wouldn't even imagine. I mean, think about it. How often throughout the day does your mind work like popcorn, bouncing from one thought to the next in rapid succession? Your struggles, worries, concerns, joys, irritations, etc. all bouncing around your brain at any given moment of constant activity embedded inside shell that carries everything uniquely YOU...which brings me back to the coat. Why do I need it there, out of place, hanging from a chair I see frequently throughout my every day, all the while hearing my Type A self's constant desire to put it away and ignoring it categorically?

I need the coat to remind me that when my father looked at me, he didn't see happy memories shared with his beloved daughter. When he looked at me, I reminded him of his mistakes and perhaps that's a big reason why we were never really close. This may seem like a form of punishment, but in truth it is a huge motivator for me, making me constantly aware of the words and deeds I direct towards others. My desire is to be a "positive" in the world, leaving every place I go a little better than the way it was when I found it, even if it's in a very small way, i.e. the person who smiled genuinely at you when you really could use a reason to smile, yourself. I need the coat to remind me that kindness to others is important, even when they make it difficult to BE kind to them because we almost never know what they are dealing with beneath the surface. The coat is also a perfect symbol, for me, of how we can go through many things, painful things (like those numerous burn holes), and still be productive, useful and happy. And when the weight of the coat becomes too heavy, too much of a hot burden... I can always take it off, wash it, and put it away.