10 Days in the Dark, 100 Days of Nothing But Light

"I loved you at your darkest." ~Romans 5:8

For the next ten days, I am going to speak of dark things, touching on some of the darkest parts of me that I've never shared, then I'm going to do a Halloween Special! After that, I will begin a series of articles that focus on 100 Days of Happy Things. Ten days of allowing myself the LAST of the dark, painful things that have hurt me over the years, a mini-pity party, and then not one more day of letting any of those things leave their claws in my flesh. Bumps in the road happen. Bad things happen to good people. That's life. The true test of who we are and what we're made of is in how we face those things and if we allow them to crush us, or help us grow!

I had an abusive childhood and I've been raped three times over the years. Those things are not my darkest secret. My darkest secret is that through all of those things, often in the back of my mind I felt like I deserved that treatment. I thought I had done something I shouldn't, said something I shouldn't and created those situations where people used me, hurt me, damaged me because somehow I'd "asked for it". I believed my grandmother when she said I wasn't loveable, something was wrong with me, and reinforced her words with the proof of parents who didn't want me, left me, and rarely came around. I believed her when she called me a slut, even though I wasn't particularly promiscuous, thinking every desire I had or even dared to consider made me slutty. I believed my mother when she told me I was ugly. I believed that I didn't deserve a man who loved me unconditionally, one who'd find me beautiful inside and out, cherish me and want to protect me, even at his own expense. I believed that I was damaged from birth, had little or no worth...a mistake that shouldn't have been allowed into this world at all and for a long time, my most ardent goal was to be someone who mattered and prove that I deserved not only the right to live, but also the right to love and be loved, to find and hold on to happiness.

I have overcome much of these self-esteem issues over the years as I experienced different view points from friends I've made and successes in my life that have helped to make me strong, but not all of that pain and self-doubt is gone. There are still shreds of guilt, ounces of doubt, and an occasional "what if" that still drift through my mind. This used to crush me, make me want to curl up into a ball and hide from the whole world. Now it just makes me angry! I am angry that anyone was allowed to damage "little me" in such an insidious way! I am furious at the people who've come across me over the years and used my damage against me when it suited them, but I am the most angry at myself for allowing it! Now that I've shared my worst secret, I am reclaiming all of my self-worth. Not one more moment will I give it the power to harm me, and not one more person will be allowed into my life who would use me in any way. To those of you who are facing your own darkness, take whatever light you need from whomever is willing to give it to you, then share that light with another. In that way, bit by bit, we have the collective power to heal the whole world one person at a time.

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