Amy M. Schaefer
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From the Front Porch

I am an "accidental blogger". When I launched my writing career in March of 2014, one of the things that I decided to include was my journaling, which I have always found to be a comforting and therapeutic endeavor.  It was a big risk to open myself up in such a public forum, but it has taught me that, for the most part, we share far more experiences than we think. It's comforting to know I'm not alone!  (*the "Button Text" is the link to my first novel)
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10 Days in the Dark, 100 Days of Nothing But Light

10/20/2014

7 Comments

 
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"I loved you at your darkest." ~Romans 5:8

For the next ten days, I am going to speak of dark things, touching on some of the darkest parts of me that I've never shared, then I'm going to do a Halloween Special! After that, I will begin a series of articles that focus on 100 Days of Happy Things. Ten days of allowing myself the LAST of the dark, painful things that have hurt me over the years, a mini-pity party, and then not one more day of letting any of those things leave their claws in my flesh. Bumps in the road happen. Bad things happen to good people. That's life. The true test of who we are and what we're made of is in how we face those things and if we allow them to crush us, or help us grow!

I had an abusive childhood and I've been raped three times over the years. Those things are not my darkest secret. My darkest secret is that through all of those things, often in the back of my mind I felt like I deserved that treatment. I thought I had done something I shouldn't, said something I shouldn't and created those situations where people used me, hurt me, damaged me because somehow I'd "asked for it". I believed my grandmother when she said I wasn't loveable, something was wrong with me, and reinforced her words with the proof of parents who didn't want me, left me, and rarely came around. I believed her when she called me a slut, even though I wasn't particularly promiscuous, thinking every desire I had or even dared to consider made me slutty. I believed my mother when she told me I was ugly. I believed that I didn't deserve a man who loved me unconditionally, one who'd find me beautiful inside and out, cherish me and want to protect me, even at his own expense. I believed that I was damaged from birth, had little or no worth...a mistake that shouldn't have been allowed into this world at all and for a long time, my most ardent goal was to be someone who mattered and prove that I deserved not only the right to live, but also the right to love and be loved, to find and hold on to happiness.

I have overcome much of these self-esteem issues over the years as I experienced different view points from friends I've made and successes in my life that have helped to make me strong, but not all of that pain and self-doubt is gone. There are still shreds of guilt, ounces of doubt, and an occasional "what if" that still drift through my mind. This used to crush me, make me want to curl up into a ball and hide from the whole world. Now it just makes me angry! I am angry that anyone was allowed to damage "little me" in such an insidious way! I am furious at the people who've come across me over the years and used my damage against me when it suited them, but I am the most angry at myself for allowing it! Now that I've shared my worst secret, I am reclaiming all of my self-worth. Not one more moment will I give it the power to harm me, and not one more person will be allowed into my life who would use me in any way. To those of you who are facing your own darkness, take whatever light you need from whomever is willing to give it to you, then share that light with another. In that way, bit by bit, we have the collective power to heal the whole world one person at a time.

7 Comments
M
10/20/2014 08:18:39 am

It's amazing how many of us have gone through similar events and believe it's something we did... Glad you're flying so high lately... It's your time! ((HUGS)) :)

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Amy M Schaefer
10/20/2014 10:53:07 am

M...love you very much. Thank you.

As I sat here and read this post to my husband, here is what he had to say, "If there is one thing I'd tell you to go back and add, it is the power to forgive yourself...the one thing I noticed you did not say is where the healing starts is when you give yourself permission to forgive yourself...that's where the REAL healing begins. By throwing it out there, you have accepted the consequences, the things that you were responsible for and the ones that were completely out of your hands. It's not up to anybody else to forgive you, judge you, stroke your ego or any of those things. It is up to you to forgive yourself and let the healing begin."

He is a wise man and I'm really happy he didn't give up on me.

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M
10/20/2014 02:06:07 pm

Yes he is... AND he looks good in Levi's! :D
I still struggle with that part...forgiven others more than myself most times. How many times do we say that we should have known better? Ugh

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Amy M. Schaefer
10/20/2014 02:16:20 pm

I lost count. I think the feelings of shame come from thinking we should have been able to prevent this or that from happening...if we were just _____ (insert whatever here) then it wouldn't have happened. Part of us knows this to be illogical but that internal dialogue can be a real bitch. Brad keeps telling me, as we talk all these things through, "You can drag your own bags for as long as it takes to deal with them, but STOP dragging other people's junk. That is theirs to own, not yours." I'm still learning how to identify my "mess" and then SLOWLY teaching myself about healing and forgiveness. The anger part, however, that's going to take some time, especially at those who have caused me harm simply because they could.

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M
10/20/2014 10:17:51 pm

Agreed on all counts. The anger and hurt still pops up, usually sneaks up unexpected.

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MB
10/27/2014 09:17:11 am

Amy, I admire your courage in brandishing the sword of your life and knowing it's tarnished- also knowing the sword is useful. You gave me the same advice Brad gave you ya know. You told me I'd done what I needed to get through my dark times and it was time for me to let go. As far as some of the hurts I have endured over the years, I wrote a letter addressing many of them. While that didn't "cure" the ails, it helped to put into perspective my part in it all and to own my part, thereby knowing what it was I needed to forgive of myself.

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Amy M. Schaefer
10/27/2014 10:18:25 am

MB,
I cry while I type my response to your post, because I am afraid every time I "open a vein" here in this space and let spill the blood of things that have harmed me, haunted me...but it is getting easier. Remember what you told me about being brave? I am learning how to do that, too. One day, in the not to distant future, I will reclaim the fearlessness I lost as a child, I lost over and over again as an adult. Every time my mind slips, whispers to me, "You don't deserve happiness", I use that tarnished sword to vanquish those thoughts and make them quiet. I ache sometimes to return to various circumstances and warn my past self. I am also not yet "cured" but I'm closer than I've ever been. I send you whatever love and support you need to help you get where you need to go.

Always,
A.

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    About The Author

    I grew up in rural North Carolina. When I was only nineteen, I moved away and became a military wife. My only aspiration at that tender time in my life was to create an adult life that "fixed" all of the "injustices" of my childhood. Secretly, however, I wanted to reach for the sky! I wanted to be a writer and find ways to "save the world" (my mother used to say, "You have Save the World Syndrome".). Mostly, I wanted to matter.

    Since then, I have learned to reach well beyond what I ever dared to think was possible. I've learned not to allow fear to stop me from whatever future I want to create!

    What keeps me grounded? My Tribe! What provides the wind beneath my wings? A well of reserves filled with unstoppable passion!

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  • Amy M. Schaefer, Writer
  • Blog: From the Front Porch
  • Novels
  • Short Stories
    • Children's Books
  • About the Author
  • Contact
  • Photo & Art Gallery