Twenty-eight years ago today I spent my Friday running around like a crazy person trying to finish the last details for my wedding day on Saturday. I was nervous, but mostly about the ceremony itself, not really thinking about the life beyond that flashpoint. And honestly, I was very ill-prepared for what came next. I was an eighteen year old high school graduate, whose biggest dream was to marry the love of my life and get as far away as possible from a broken mess of a childhood. In my rush to run away, I didn't even bother to look where I was going and stepped into an even bigger mess...Matrimony! Had I known then what was up ahead, I'd have probably totally pulled a Runaway Bride and headed for the hills. I'm really glad I didn't, as that would have been an epic mistake. Back then I thought that love would see us through whatever challenges we'd face and in that detail, at least, I wasn't wrong, although it's a bit more complicated than that. Love alone does not "see you through". If any marriage is going to make it, there's plenty of HaRD work involved, mixed with healthy doses of stubborn, forgiveness, tenacity, and investment. The love part is a given...the rest is a choice, one you must both make over and over again.

How many mistakes can one relationship withstand before it crumbles beneath the weight of the pile up? Turns out the answer to that question is A LOT! If there's a secret to making it work, to rebuilding when you inevitably break things it's this...treat each other as if you were best friends and planned on remaining that way. It also doesn't hurt to embrace the WILD West spirit that frequently accompanies that matrimony thing. You know, the whole "keep following on the adventure no matter what hardships or crazy tangles you come across" thing. My husband is a Master of both these. He is also a man that truly practices the art of unconditional love and never gives up on the people or things he wants. He's also a mighty fine shot, when necessary (which can come in quite handy out on the trail). Even though he can be ferocious, he's got a gentle soul and would never intentionally harm those he loves. Every time he's hurt me, he's worked doggedly to make it right and fix what he broke. This is a trait about him I admire greatly! He is not intimidated by my wild spirit or strong will, but he doesn't allow me or anyone else to walk all over him. He knows how to lovingly quiet my hot temper and constantly reminds me not to be too hard on myself when I make mistakes (...because I'm such a Type A personality, I can be a bit ridiculous about beating myself up over them). Slowly, with great patience, he is coaxing out my carefree, frivolous side and giving her a safe place to play. 

Twenty-eight years of this big, muddy, gloppy marital mess and yet my world just flat out does not make sense without him. It's easy to choose someone when they're at their very best. It's a different thing entirely when you see someone at their worst and still gladly choose them over anyone else in the world. Thanks for not giving up on me, my Salty Bones man. I choose you, today and every day that follows.

"What the caterpillar perceives as the end, the butterfly perceives as the beginning." ~author Unknown

We have a butterfly bush in our backyard that attracts those brilliantly coloured winged beauties all throughout the day in summertime. Its actual name is Chasteberry or Vitex, but to me it's just the butterfly bush. There used to be three of them until our harsh winter killed all but one, which is much smaller than it ought to be. The butterflies don't seem to mind. They visit and land, happily dipping in for the nectar found deep within the pretty purple flowers, then continue on to wherever butterflies go.

Many cultures around the world have ancient legends that suggest butterflies are really our visiting ancestors come to watch over us and provide comfort in times of need. With my cousins here for a visit, I can't help but wonder if the butterflies I've seen are his mother and mine popping in to say hello and lend their approval. I like to think of what a happy reunion it must have been for my mother and her older sister when they were finally together again. I also hope it brings them joy to know how close a bond I've forged with my cousin, his gorgeous (inside and out) wife, and their adorable little boy. We are more like brother and sister now than cousins and it's a connection that makes me happier than I know how to express.

The butterfly bush is easily my favorite growing thing in our yard, with the mighty trees a close second. I don't know if those old legends are true, but it doesn't really matter. The comfort they give me is very real and that's enough. Sometimes when I sit outside and write, like I am today, I can almost feel the quiet encouragement, love, and strength of those who've passed from my life and this world, especially when I catch a glimpse of vibrant colour from those fluttery flybys. It's a perfect reminder that my ancestors aren't really lost, they're merely hanging out "elsewhere" and sending me good vibes.

I began this year with a trip to San Fransisco, California that I'd wanted to take for a long time. I enjoyed four of the happiest days of my life. What I've discovered is that the Cali trip has set a precedence for the months (...and hopefully years) that followed. In the time since January, I've lived a more wide open, authentic life than ever. I've added many more of those "happiest days" doing things I wanted, trying new things and truly focusing on having meaningful, conscious relationships with those I love. It's strange, in a wonderful kind of way, to meet "Amy Full-Throttle" but that's exactly what it feels like. It's also scary and exciting trying things that I'd been afraid to do before or simply never got around to/was allowed to as a child (...which truth be told usually involve getting dirty). I didn't know my life could be like this, I could be like this, but now that it's happening I wonder what took me so long to get here! I have Mama Schaefer in my ear constantly telling me, "Don't wait", the way she did before she died. Silently, in my mind I promise her I won't. Why are we here if not to live a life wide open, as full of love and experiences as we can possibly manage? For me that answer is simple...this is exactly why I'm here and it's long overdue! 

In the illustrious words of Tim the Toolman Taylor, "Arrrr..Arrrr...Arrr..."


While out running errands this morning in preparation for our big trip to Lake Fontana in the Great Smoky Mountains this weekend, I stopped in Kohl's to purchase a new purse. The strap on my old one was about one thread away from snapping and I knew it was probably not even going to make it to the end of the day. As I picked and sorted through about a hundred bags trying to find the right one, I grew increasingly more frustrated! There are so many styles, colours, etc., and yet I'm extremely picky in what I feel is "right" for me. It has to have pockets for the things I carry and a special one that fits my phone/wallet. It needs to be in a neutral colour and the clasps have to stay closed. I like a place to put my pens that's easy to get to. I finally found one that was practically perfect! I was so excited, I immediately wanted to call my husband (...who is at work) and tell him ALL about it. Then I remembered our recent adventure to the Auto Parts Store and stopped myself.

Several days ago we had to make a couple of runs to the Auto Parts Store near our home and as we walked up and down the aisles looking for whatever it was my husband was looking for, I was completely amazed at all of the bits and pieces, parts and supplies that were completely foreign to me! What on earth could anyone possibly do with all that crap, I thought! And bless him, in his enthusiasm to enlighten me, my husband began to explain the uses for things we came across. I tried to look interested, really I did, but he could tell by my facial expression that I was about to slip into a coma. He chuckled and spared me the rest. Honestly, I WAS very impressed that he knew what purpose all that stuff served! The next time we had to go, I patiently waited in the car and played on my phone. He didn't mind a bit.

This is what we do for the people we love. We support them and the things that excite them even if they don't interest us at all! It is enough that THEY are excited! As I sat at our bar having lunch, I decided to spare him the "I'm excited I found a purse that's just right" conversation. I know he doesn't give a rat's ass about it and I'm totally fine with that. He knows I feel the same way about the ten billion widgets that go on various vehicles! I find it super sexy that he knows that stuff and he's pretty happy when he needs a pen to write with and I produce one, like magic, from the depths of my purse!

I'm becoming quite addicted to doing yard work! I know, I know...it's weird! I can't help it. I really like the sweat and dirt, but mostly I love how great the activity is for my mental health. I spent five hours being "yard lady" today and even though the edger finally defeated me, once I'd showered and no longer smelled like a goat, I felt fantastic!

Being sedentary or alone with my thoughts for too long has always being a dangerous thing for me. I am a consummate worrier and a Level PRO at over-analyzing anything, so I'm constantly looking for ways to stay active, busy, and focused on productive things that challenge my mind and keep me from slipping too deeply into my own head space. 

I could give you tons of stats on medical research that offers the science behind why vigorous activity is good for you (...or me), but that would just feel preachy. I could say I mowed grass, pulled weeds and edged the driveway (...half of it, anyway) so that my husband wouldn't have to do it, but that would feel "magnanimous" ($5 dollar word for the day). The truth is, I did it because I like it. It's dirty, smelly, and a boatload of work that I find fun and challenging. It makes m body happily sore and gives me an opportunity to play with power tools! Oh, and the yard looks fantastic (...if I do say so myself).

We should do stuff every day that takes us to our happy place. I'm glad the stuff that does it for me is legal (...well, mostly) and simple, because frankly I'm complicated enough for three people! In fact, I get the most pleasure out of simple things...fresh cut grass, chirping crickets, wildflowers, a sky full of stars, a bottle of bubbles, sharing cookies with my dog Jack, the quiet of 3 a.m., etc. And tomorrow? Me and the edger are going for Round #2!

Text Message Exchange from 4 August 2015: (*all permissions obtained to share*)

Hubby: Relax today. Did you do your blog yet?
Me: I just took a shower. Going to give myself a facial and paint my toenails. Not yet on the blog. Got an idea for me?
Hubby: Birth. Yours and your grandson.
Me: *cries* ...that's a wonderful idea.
Hubby: No crying today. A beautiful day like you.
Me: Happy tears. And those are always allowed.
Hubby: They taste sweeter too.

Some people are not fond of birthdays. For a myriad of reasons they are put off in regards to being reminded that they're getting "old". To me, though, they are such a celebration of life! It's not easy being a human. I'm damn glad I made it to forty-six and frankly that amazing feat should be accompanied by cake! All morning friends and family scattered around the world have taken a moment out of THEIR day to wish me a happy birthday on MY day. It makes me feel inside as if I'm being tickled by a thousand happy little effervescent bubbles.

The baby in the first photo above is me when my slate was "clean" and my story hadn't really gotten started. I'd love to be able to go back in time and whisper in her ear, "Don't be scared now little one. It won't be easy what's up ahead but it's worth it. I promise." Not that little me would remember any of that. The second photo is of my oldest daughter shortly after she was born (...also in August). While pregnant with her and her sister, my husband frequently whispered secrets to them that he never shared with any of us (...and probably doesn't even remember now). I picked up his habit, as my daughter is now expecting a child of her own (...due, you guessed it, in AUGUST). Whenever my daughter comes to visit me, I lean down and whisper secrets to the son she's carrying. He won't remember his Nana talking to him while he's still growing in her tummy but I'll know. And when he comes into this world, I'll be here to encourage him as he grows to be a man. He already has his own Tribe of people in his corner who'll be there to help guide his steps. Those who've helped guide mine are priceless!

The song below captures exactly how I feel today..."It's a new dawn. It's a new day. It's a new life for me...and I'm feeling good."

Aunt Mattie's favorite saying was, "Your life is what you make it, and the world is how you take it." I am finally at an age where I can fully appreciate all of the little nuances hidden inside such a simple concept. Let's face it, when bad things happen it's really difficult not to let them suck you into their black pit of pain or be bitter because whatever it was happened in the first place. When people we love don't behave in a way that meets our expectations or worse do something to harm us, it's a serious challenge to just let that shit go, because it hurts and there's just no getting around that reality. Those things, however, are out of our control. Life...the good, the bad, and the ugly happens to all of us. How we deal with those things is absolutely in our control, though. That is not to say controlling them is easy, but it is possible (and for me completely necessary). It is in that spirit I begin a new year of my life. Today is the last day I allow anything from my past to hold me hostage from my future. today I will let go of:

• Friendships and loves I have lost...
• Grudges, period...
• The childhood I didn't get to have...
• People who have used or harmed me intentionally...
• Hateful words spoken to me by others that caused me pain...
• Judgements others make about MY life...
• Pretty lies people have told me...
• Anything that does not help me, grow me, or make me happy!

Tomorrow I go into forty-six without carrying any of the "baggage from my past. I go into it knowing I am fully responsible for every step I make and in complete control of each destination I visit. I choose whatever roads lead to happiness with my eyes wide open. Who's coming with me?

P.S. I'm channeling Aunt Mattie today, so I'm cooking "Mattie Spaghetti" for dinner! Here's the recipe:

1 to 1 & 1/2 lbs. ground beef
Olive Oil
1/2  large, sweet onion (cut into small cubes)
1 can of Tomato Soup
Salt & Pepper to taste
Ground Italian seasons, if you like
Water for sauce consistency preferred

*Your favorite pasta, I'm using thin spaghetti

1. Brown the ground beef in a cast iron skillet in about 2 Tbsp. of Olive Oil (must use cast iron).
2. When the meat is nearly browned, salt and pepper it, then add the onions.
3. Finish browning, then add the can of Tomato Soup (do not drain grease from the cooked meat).
4. Add water using the soup can, until sauce is preferred consistency (...I usually do about half a can).
5. Stir well, season with Italian seasoning if desired. Turn burner down on low and cover.
6. Cook pasta noodles, checking your sauce while the noodles are cooking to make sure it's not sticking to the bottom of the pan. Stir and add water, if needed.

*Note: Once all of this is done, I put a bit of the oil from the sauce on my noodles and mix them. Then make my bowl and cover with Parmesan cheese!